When did things return to normal after having a baby?

[Writerwannabe83]

Me and DH had a baby 10 months ago and things just feel different between us.

It was hard when DS came along, as I imagine it is for most couples, but something still feels like it is missing.

We are happy, we laugh together, are affectionate with each other etc and it feels natural to be like that with him but underneath the surface I feel like there is a tiny wedge between us that never used to be there.

Our sex life was never brilliant but we haven't had sex since DS was born. I know he wants to get the intimacy back but I feel so nonchalant about it.

He's a fantastic dad and in the first few months after DS coming along I was in quite a bad way and DH was amazing. I don't know how I would have coped without his love and support.

We have the usual differences in opinions and our little bickers but certainly nothing major. Sometimes though I feel I am unnecessarily critical of him when it comes to looking after DS but I think that's because I like things done my way.

I just don't understand why I feel like this. Maybe it's because we never get to spend anytime together anymore. I think we have been out together three times since DS was born.

We sleep in separate beds 2-3 nights a week (related to his work) so maybe that doesn't help either.

I don't even know what question I'm asking, I'm just getting it all off my chest.

I started back at work last week and I'm kind of hoping that by doing so it will even out the parenting (as before I did 90% of it) and this may help things.

Has anyone else ever felt like this in their relationship after the arrival of a baby?

Just go for it, you might find you really get into it. I rarely wanted sex when my DCs were small, like you have said there are lots of demands on your body and time and sex seemed like an additional 'chore'. But on the occasions when I just went for it, it was surprisingly good and definitely helped me and DH feel warmer towards one another. We get snippy and tetchy with each other if we go ages without any sex. And by that I don't mean a few days, I mean a few weeks. Our kids our early teens now.

I recommend talking to him. It's awkward and embarrassing but I found that 3 months after having dc1, after trying and failing (it realllly hurt!!) to have sex at 4 weeks pp, I had to address why we weren't having sex. We had a very good, regular sex life up until the day dd1 was born. I had to sit with a cushion over my face whilst we discussed it but he was bloody amazing. He was just relieved I hadn't gone off him. Tbh I found sex a bit meh for about the first year after dd1 but hen it got back on track....then I had dd2!!! After her though, we waited until 7 weeks pp for the first try and just kept chatting about it- which gets easier! Now dd2 is 6 months and out are life is almost as good as pre kids. So it will get better op!!! Talk to him!!! You might be really pleasantly surprised x

I actually feel quite nervous at the thought of doing it. Our sex life involved TTC in July 2013, one DTD when I was 20wks pregnant in November 2013 and absolutely nothing since.

I almost feel like after having no sexual contact for 15 months it will be really uncomfortable, like having sex with a stranger. I know that sounds weird.

We are going out for a meal next Friday so I will find a secluded corner and broach it then, it's probably easier that way as there's no TV or baby to distract us.

Yes hi writer!! Pm me! Lots to catch up on x

I can so relate to your post about just feeling that after looking after a demanding baby all day, once they finally went to bed you just want to be left ALONE by EVERYBODY!

I remember fantasising about just walking off into the fields near our house and having NO ONE bother me at all about ANYTHING as I just wanted my own personal thoughts for a bloody second, which it felt like I never ever had!

I guess I just wanted to say that I do empathise/understand how you feel.

Also wanted to say that 10 months for me was a particular low point.

The 6 month sleep regression nearly killed me in terms of tiredness but 10 months was when the volcanic explosion of resentment erupted in me - EBF, poor sleeper, etc etc and I just felt soooo MEH about my DH I scared myself. My baby was being lovely and interactive and cuddly so I felt that in a way he was replaced. This probably doesn't make much sense. But your post reminded me soo much of that indifferent feeling of just - meh, leave me alone, I can do without you and sex etc.

I don't think it's a good thing and I do agree you just need to get on and do it or else you will regret as he sounds lovely and you sound like you were happy before the carnage that is having a baby.

I wish you all the luck in the world.

I too am aghast at all my friends pregnant with no 2 - how? when?

Good luck OP

Also OP sex doesn't have to be the old, ahem, 'in out'.
Why not let him practice getting you in the mood a bit and work up to full sex over the next month? I bet that would be nicer than you remember.

It depends on how you define "normal". DS is 13 months now and I would describe things as normal but they aren't how they were before ds was born. I think tiny cracks that were there pre-baby are widened, small issues when you're both enjoying your jobs with plenty of free time and some spare cash become big issues when you're both knackered, you have no time to yourself and the housework needs doing.
You say that your sex life wasn't brilliant before your ds was born so having a tiny little attention machine, stitches, night feeds etc won't make it better!! The first year is hard so go easy on each other. We DTD after 8 weeks because I wanted to know everything was ok before my post natal check. It wasn't and it was another month before we even attempted it again. We found that once we bit the bullet the more we did it the more we wanted to do it, but it's still not how it was pre-ds. It's different again now I'm pregnant again so you've got to adapt to your new life with a baby. The over whelming response to my pregnancy has been " you must be mad", closely followed by "How the hell has that happened!!!" so I really don't think that couples with small babies are at it all of the time!!
I find myself nit picking at dp a lot. There's a lot of "are you going to pick that up????" and "Am I getting up with ds again???" but I know underneath it all we're solid.
A Friday night out sounds lovely, flirt a bit and try talking to him about it. Maybe he's worried too???

I almost feel like after having no sexual contact for 15 months it will be really uncomfortable, like having sex with a stranger. I know that sounds weird.

Nope. Not weird at all. He might feel the same.

I had anxieties about how my body had changed too. He was worried that he had become a fat unsexy slob because he no longer had time or energy to exercise. It made us both hesitant.

It got better for us when we realised we had to start again, a bit like dating, lots of chatting, eating together, doing stuff together, laughing, talking about something other than babies, poo and washing.

I stopped bf at 12 months and my sex drive came back pretty quickly afterwards, so it could well be the bf that's stopping your desire. We were still having sex though but I found that I could not stand my breasts being touched until after stopping bf.

Try not to be so hard on yourself, you've also recently started back at work, and that change takes a bit of getting used to as well - especially if DC isn't sleeping through yet.

My advice would be just to get on with it (in the nicest way possible!), accept that the first time probably will be strange and meh and that it can only get better. And talk to your DH about it.

I felt exactly the same as you. The many demands on me mentally and physically plus sleep deprivation, meant that sex just felt pointless and unwelcome. Ten months is still early in terms of you coming to terms with all the changes in your life, your body and your relationship. Things that changed how I felt about myself, motherhood, sex and relationship included going back to work (when DS 11 months), end of breastfeeding (for me 10 months), more time to myself (work, socialising), DS being big enough that we went away for a few nights here and there without him (where I found that without the presence of DS, the prospect of an early wake up and with space to actually talk to each other, sex was still something I desired and enjoyed). We did have sex a handful (maybe five?) times in the first year of ds's life. I would say it is worth making the effort to have sex to get over the worry that it is dead forever, but ideally when you are not under time pressure and when you are already relaxed (could you get a massage after work perhaps and not come home till after baby in bed so that you are not in baby mode beforehand?). Things will change, and do discuss how you feel. Any partner worth having will want to know how you are feeling.

I haven't experienced this and I believe it is due to dh doing over 50% of housework and childcare. If you have time to yourself, see your friends, maintain your interest then I will expect you will want sex all the time.