How can I convince DP we need help?

[Bearsinmotion]

DP has OCD. This is currently focussed on recycling. He washes everything, sorts everything' but then never puts it out. It's piling up in the living room, the kitchen, our dining table is unusable. I have been putting up with it because he's trying so hard to sort it out, and he does put a bit out. But not as fast as it accumulates.

We have one DD, who is at nursery full time, but I am pg with DC2, due in a few weeks. And I cannot live like this when I'm on maternity leave. DP is taking a week off "to sort it out". But I can't believe he will. I am genuinely scared about the midwife, health visitor etc visits. What if they think we are unfit parents?

I think we need counselling. DP is on medication, but it doesn't seem to work well. He has had CBT in the past, but says it won't help any more, he knows how it works etc. but we can't go on like this :(

What is his fear if he puts it out? I'm thinking that's why he won't do it??

Arrange an appointment with the health visitor or midwife or GP - tell them what's going on. They will try to help.

Why don't you put it out?

How much recycling do you have? We only just about fill our wheelie bin up every two weeks. Why don't you chuck it in a small bin or bag in a cupboard and take it out each day?

I think he's afraid it won't be recycled if it's not done "properly", and I won't do it properly, which is why I can't do it.

I don't get on with the midwife, might try GP or HV. Not sure what they can do though...

No - this is not on. What would happen if you just chucked it out?

I would make a GP app for him tomorrow and go with him. If he wi t go, go yourself and request help for him. Also make sure you let the HV and midwife know too

It won't be recycled properly? How many recycling bins have you got? We've just got one wheelie bin for recyclables, one for compost and one for rubbish. Have you got those daft separate bins for plastic, glass, paper, etc? How hard is it to chuck it in a bin?

If I chucked it out he would have a breakdown or leave. Literally. Just imagine, a wheelie bin full every 2 weeks, not being put out. It doesn't take long to build up.

He definitely needs to see someone. He clearly has a problem, it's just manifested itself into the rubbish. The rubbish isn't the cause. Hope you get it sorted.

Every tin, every bottle, every plastic food wrapping has to be spotless. Every piece of mixed recycling (cardboard and plastic sandwich wrappers) must be separated. And it all has to be checked. Again and again and again.

Have you explained to him your fears about the midwives/health visitors etc seeing the house in that state?

Oh my god, you're a saint. I would have walked a long time ago.

Yes he needs help
It's a fire risk too

That's the thing with OCD he thinks if he gets rid of it something bad will happen.

He certainly needs a different kind of intervention to the one he is receiving.

Personally I would ask him to stay elsewhere until he can do something about it.

The midwives will certainly be doing a home visit as will the HV have you asked what he intends to say to them?

The fire risk really bothers me. I have told him this, he just says he is trying to sort it out. I know he's trying but we just don't seem to be getting anywhere.

But..he isn't trying :(
He won't have cbt.
This is mo way to live op.

He can't sort it - he's not well. Please seek help from the GP - you obviously dint need this particularly at this time

Ask him to apply the CBT techniques that he learnt. That would mean doing the exact opposite of what he is doing right now. Ie not washing anything and even mixing up the recycling.

If he can't apply the techniques he needs to see his GP for another referral or see a private therapist. This time make sure you are also invited in for at least one session to see how you may be 'enabling' the OCD and what would be more helpful.

What medication is he taking? what dose? poor guy, it must be shit in his head just now. Poor you too, it is very difficult living with someone with mental health issues.

Can you come up with a system by which he can sort the stuff outside of the house?

If the stuff is clean then the midwife/hv wont have a problem with it, of course that doesn't help you but don't worry about them thinking you are unfit parents.

I think you need to take this out of his hands tbh. Warn him and do it on bun day so it can't be retrieved. Talk to him and tell him he needs to see the GP - make the appointment of necessary. Ocd is hideous and a relief when help arrives

He won't seek help you say?

You are scared and are thinking about hiding his MH problems from HV, midwives etc. It is so bad you are living with fire risk and risk of being seen as an unfit parent.

He has a serious MH problem. You are about to have a baby. Baby comes first. Sorry. You will be at serious risk for PND if you are dealing with this after baby arrives.

You don't have time to muck about. Force the issue. Chuck it out. If he has a breakdown or leaves that is OK, it means you can both stop pretending it isn't a serious problem and you can get serious help from the GP, HV and others.

Ditto the above - if he won't seek help you need to force the issue - chuck it out and he can deal with the consequences...just keep calm

I have a dh with severe anxiety. Totally different scenario to yours but similar in many ways. (Mine is phobic about being sick and germs and won't touch a bin etc and washes hands multiple times).

In these cases you need to show them their worst fear isn't going to happen and not let the ocd gain control. At the moment the ocd has control. So take it back. You literally take all this shit and bin it. Yes I know you say he's going to leave and go ballistic but to be honest he may need to do that to realise how out of hand it's got.

With my dh for example if he's sitting there saying he's going to be sick I used to say to him don't worry you won't be but actually that's giving the phobia / thought power as it's saying yes that would be awful to be sick. What I say now is well you might not be, and shrug it off. I try not to make a big deal over it.

We still have a very long way to go!

Don't let the ocd bully you both.

I'd chuck it out and let him leave.

Tell him he can come back when he has sought proper help. I know it's an illness but it will destroy you and your children's happiness.

He had CBT, it didn't work. He's on medication which doesn't help.
Time to try something new.

Speak to GP, your DP does need help. He needs a different sort of therapy to dig out the root cause of this behaviour.
It sounds really bad and I'm sure he is very unhappy about it but unable to change. Please don't chuck it all out, it's probably giving him a feeling of being in control. Especially the checking.

It sounds really bad, drag him to the GP, there is no other way, you cannot live like that.