How can I convince DP we need help?

[Bearsinmotion]

DP has OCD. This is currently focussed on recycling. He washes everything, sorts everything' but then never puts it out. It's piling up in the living room, the kitchen, our dining table is unusable. I have been putting up with it because he's trying so hard to sort it out, and he does put a bit out. But not as fast as it accumulates.

We have one DD, who is at nursery full time, but I am pg with DC2, due in a few weeks. And I cannot live like this when I'm on maternity leave. DP is taking a week off "to sort it out". But I can't believe he will. I am genuinely scared about the midwife, health visitor etc visits. What if they think we are unfit parents?

I think we need counselling. DP is on medication, but it doesn't seem to work well. He has had CBT in the past, but says it won't help any more, he knows how it works etc. but we can't go on like this :(

Why shouldn't she get rid of a fire hazard and vast mess in her own home? There is a small child there. She is pregnant.

Are you certain that he is taking his meds?

Is there a shed or garage he can put all this stuff? Could you get it out of the house somehow?

How much are we talking about? Recycling for 2 adults and one child?

It sounds as if it's hoarding crossed with OCD. Hoarders actually can't throw anything out, so he's able to do that, but not in a reasonable timescale if you can't use the dining table. I'd be concerned that he might get to the point that he can't throw things away.

Has he ever had a full psychiatric assessment?

I would talk to the GP on your own first to see what the options are.

the gp wont be able to discuss this with the OP, i had serious concerns about my mothers mental health and the gp had to be very vague and cryptic in her discussions with me.

Dear OP,
I have enormous sympathy and empathy for you. My DH has OCD (although his anxiety focus is different from your DH) and I know just how difficult it can be to live with. As I am sure you already know his problem is not the recycling at all. It is an underlying anxiety that is being expressed in a way he feels allows him control.

My DH had a short course of CBT for his OCD a few years ago and for a while it helped but then gradually it got worse until it became all consuming. We had some underlying issues in our relationship but the effect of the OCD was so pervasive they couldn't be addressed. I tried EVERYTHING to help him and to try and get him to ask for help. I changed my behaviour to try and make it easier for him, I tried logic (utterly pointless in the grip of OCD), I tried ignoring it and directly challenging it. Nothing worked. He was unable to either accept that there was a problem or was too scared to admit it.

In the end it got to the point where it was damaging not only to us but also our DD as he was unable to "contain" his anxieties around her. In the end after a particularly traumatic few days I told him that I loved him dearly and didn't want to break up but I couldn't live with it anymore and I wouldn't let my DD be exposed to it anymore and I asked him to move out.

This was actually the best thing I could have done as he was suddenly faced with what was essentially a clear choice get some help or move out. We went to the GP the next morning and he was started on medication and referred for a much more intensive programme of therapy. This has made a real difference to him and to our family. Things are certainly not perfect but they are infinitely better than they were. As he is still in therapy we face the challenge in a few months of "going it alone" as such but I am now more confident that he is building better resilience than previously.

You are in a very difficult position. The best advice I can give is to make the best decision for you and your DC. To use the Al Anon saying You didn't cause the OCD, You can't control it and You can't cure it. Only your DH can make the decision to seek help and unless or until he is ready to do that there is nothing you can do about it. Take care of yourself and your DC's and be prepared to make a difficult decision. Xxx

What a GP can't do is discuss a patient's current medical issue with the partner, but she can certainly flag issues with the GP that need medical help. I had a productive discussion with my father's GP about his health, she called him in for an appointment.

The OP needs to discuss with the GP whether the GP will either a) see him at home, b) call him in for an appointment, or c) she, the OP, has to get her partner to the GP herself.

She can discuss the fact that he is reluctant to seek help for himself, and flag with the GP if he is likely to minimise the extent of his issues at his appointment. She can also accompany him to his appointment.

^That was to lemisscared.

Just wrote a long reply but it vanished . Princessdeb, you are spot on. I need to think on this.

I had a call from the HV today, which is partly what triggered this. I'll try and talk to her tomorrow, and the GP in a week or so (I have an appointment booked).

Hi op

Sorry your going through this, to be honest CBT isn't going to work, there's a deep seated reason why your husband is doing this and it's in his back ground somewhere. Some of it will be around his having control over the recycling, as he might feel he is not or has not been able to have control over other factors in his life.

He needs an integrative counsellor who can look in to his childhood and past, this hopefully will reveal triggers for his current behaviour. CBT is good for something's bit this is a lot deeper and needs to be treated as such.

Agree with guiltypleasures, if he accessed CBT on the nhs it is likely to have been 'low intensity' which means focusing on behavioural therapy, in this case something called exposure and response prevention. I would say this is sufficient in only the minority of cases. He really needs therapy that will get to the root of this. High intensity, longer term CBT may be effective with this but an integrative therapist would be advisable. You'll have to go private though, I would have thought. And if I was you, I would ask him to move out while he gets this sorted, it's an unacceptable way for you and your children to live.

I watch a lot of "Hoarders" programs and it does sound exactly like that, where they cant do it and wont let anyone else help because it wont be "right". Definitely try and get what ever help and assessment you can on that basis before it becomes an entire house crammed full of recycling "to be sorted".

My husband doesn't have OCD or anything like that, but does have a tendency to hoard stuff. Often it is newspapers which are his thing. He doesn't have time to read on the right day. They pile up.

I keep it under control by surreptitiously putting the papers from lower part of his mountain pile out in the recycling bin on collection day (or the evening before). He doesn't tend to notice, and it keeps some semblance of control.

He also does seem to have an aversion to throwing anything out (I'm talking about complete shit junk, not family heirlooms). I have to do it when he isn't around.

My daughters and I helped him to clear out his mother's house for sale after her death last May. That way we did have some control over what came back, and could persuade him that not everything had to be taken back to our house. We wouldn't have been able to move at home otherwise as he would have kept every tiny little piece of string, keys which no longer fit the current locks, old carrier bag, birthday or Christmas cards going back donkey's years etc.

I can live in a chaotic house, but not with large amounts of rubbish piling up around me.

I do that to an extent topseyt - I just shift stuff out gradually, but there is still too much. I tried to talk to him about it this morning but didn't get anywhere. To him it's all about the mess and me "wanting it perfect" rather than recognising he is ill.

Mine is always going to do something about it. He has these delusions that he can eBay it all and make money. He has the odd splurge trying, but it never lasts and I end up telling him he either clears it by X date or I will bin it all.

That usually brings on a sulk, but then maybe a little more gets done that weekend (if I am lucky). Not sure how someone with OCD would cope with that though.

I think he's so in the grip of it that he's actually decided it's easier to force you and his child and unborn child to live in an intolerable and risky manner, than to be brave enough to get help.

It probably seems mean to put it that way, but it's true. He's decided that everyone he loves must live in an awful risky way, as his OCD is more important... I'm sure it's scary to be him at the moment, terrifying. But he has to be brave and put his family (& his own wellbeing) above his illness. He is letting his illness win, hands down.