has anyone stayed with cheating husband and how did you get over it?

[charlie2405]

Okay here goes,

I've recently found out my husband of four years and partner of nine has been sex ting and arranging to meet a girl at work. I found this as I knew something wasn't right with him and checked his phone. I found enough to make me physically sick. I checked the rest and found messages to old work colleagues laughing about the prostitues they used to 'share', FYI this was our best man btw.

We've discussed and it turns out he used to be a heavy drug user when working away. He's apologised and said he wants to be a better man and it was in the past. I feel cheated having spent my life raising his kids and putting him first when he clearly hasn't done that with me.

I want to get over it and start a new but how do I do this? He's looking for a new job but still has to work with the colleague at present. He's promised total transparency but I thought we had that any way. What have others done? X

How can you - not only was he unfaithful he shared prostitutes. This man has no respect for women. And sorry to say you need sti testing pronto.

How could you ever trust him again. He won't even accept responsibility, just blames the drugs. And saying he will be a better man, or maybe just a better liar in future.

Drugs, prostitutes, texting girl at work....

You want to get over it?

Why? Does he have any redeeming features?

I think sometimes people just revert to 'must try and save marriage' because 1. They have children with a loser and 2. Fear of the future.

Is that the case here?

Why do you want to get over it?

Has he offered to move out to give you space to think?

Was he a heavy drug user while married to you? Spending your family money on it?

Thank you for replying

The prostitutes were before we were married. He was in an environment where it was 'acceptable' and encouraged. I just felt secure enough in our relationship that I never thought he would. Stupid I know. I feel like I want to try and give this a chance. He's opened up to me about other things.. terrible abuse he suffered from an older male before we met and I feel he's finally being open and honest... I just want advice about what to do and how to renegotiate this relationship especially because of our kids. Does anyone think this can work? Xx

Yes for a short time. Didn't really support us at the time he was away but left of his own accord and I never understood why until now. He said he realised what he had done. Until the texting I thought he was an awesome husband and dad...

Oh well, if he was abused then it is ok for him to mistreat you.

It doesn't make any difference what we think. It depends how sincere he is and whether he can stick to his new leaf. We all want to be better people, whether we manage it is a different matter.

Are you ever going to be sure when he's away that he's not using drugs or having sex with someone else?

Personally for me, there's just too much wrong-doing to be able to have any further faith in him.

I can't abide it when people use past abuse to justify despicable choices, personally.

You deserve better and so do your dc

You really think he is being open and honest now? I very much doubt it. And even if the prostitutes were before you were married it still shows he considers women as nothing more than a commodity to be bought and used.

Why don't you think you deserve better than this?

He is neither an awesome husband or dad - time to take off the rose tinted specs isn't it?

He's no longer away he left that life after we got married.

I thought the same, but my attitude has softened over the last week. I watch him with our kids and my heart breaks at the thought of breaking our family apart. Everyone that knows (best friend, mum and brother) has said leave him but I do love him. It's sad that I obviously have so little self respect. I'm trying hard to trust him but I have explained that he has no right to a private life or any more secrets until I get to know him like I thought I did.

In all fairness he didnt use the abuse to justify the cheating. He told me as I told him I wanted to know everything. I know his work colleagues and its no excuse but the are worse than him when it came to prostitutes and drugs. I think e compartmentalised home and work life too well.

so you are going to justify and minimise and brush it under the carpet until you find he has done it again.

And he broke the family apart, not you....

I don't think you have little self respect, I think you love him and want to make it work. Whether he does what it takes to make it work, and whether the trust can actually be restored is another matter. You might try really hard and it's doesn't work, if so don't beat yourself up. It's not you who fucked up.

Charlie, I do not have advice on how you can get through this. My thoughts in the matter however is that although you might temporarily patch things up, the damage is done and so too is the longevity of your union (well any semblance of a happy one).

I truly, truly believe that a relationship cannot survive cheating. You may PLAY happy families but that bond will be well and truly broken.

Sorry I can't provide an optimistic outlook.

Sounds awful, hope you are being nice to yourself.

Of course the thought of breaking up your family is awful, but it is not your fault. He has behaved unacceptably. If you decide to split up, it's down to him. No guilt for you.

I don't see how you can regain the trust I'm afraid. So the choice is split up or live in paranoia. And he's the one that has created this choice.

It is interesting that you feel compelled to make excuses for his behaviour. Surely there are no excuses and he is absolutely responsible for his actions and his decision to treat you this way.

This girl at work he's be sexting. He's stopped now, I take it? Why? because you found out? So he's sorry because he got found out?

He seems to have an answer for everything. Anyway, what I think will happen here is that you will end up taking responsibility for repairing the relationship because you don't want be a single parent for your kids, and he may (or may not) be grateful for a while, until he reverts to type (I'm afraid) and it all kicks off again.

I'm very for you. Good luck with it all.

I really hope I'm not doing that Alabastergirl. We have had loads of discussions and arguments over the last two weeks about it. I'm exhausted. I want to think i'm starting to resolve my feelings rather than giving in and justifying it. I did do that at first wondering if it was my fault but I very quickly nipped that in the bud.

So after a whole 2 weeks you are getting over it!? I am astounded. he has had no repercussions has he. Why don't you get him to leave and really appreciate what he stands to lose.

In all fairness I do think your all right. He has stopped with this girl but yes only because I found out. Im sad for our kids.

I read your text and I want to hug you. First of all I admire you for wanting to try and redefine your relationship for your kids' sake. Now how to proceed?
There are so many facets to his behavior. I do not know what to say.

What worries me most is that it looks as if he has unresolved issues. You know to keep clean from drugs is not easy and neither is it easy for a male to overcome abuse from an older male. What does he do to stay away from drugs? Has he overcome the trauma of abuse? Does he go to some support group? Does he have some professional help? If I were you I would focus on these two issues first. At the same time I would have tried to build some little family nice traditions (going/walking to some little restaurant/park with the kids every so often; sitting to eat as a family every Sunday either at home or in a restaurant; watching some TV show as a family every so often etc etc ) When you feel that there are procedures in place to help him control his old demons (drugs and the trauma of abuse), and that he is becoming more connected to the family then you and him will have to discuss what you are looking for in a relation. Remember: you cannot oblige anyone to be trustful/honest. They have to want to be honest and trustful. They have to show true remorse, a will and power to change. There is a book called ''how to help your spouse heal from your affair''. The author is Linda J.MacDonald. It is very good. I bought it for my cheating H. You have to read it and to make your husband read it. You must read it every so often and make sure that your husband (and yourself) stick by its guidelines. It helps a lot. If he really try to use the guidelines in the book to help you heal then your marriage is on a very good path. But again in your case the issues of drugs and abuse must be dealt with first - on a permanent basis I would think. Good Luck! Big Hugs!

Thanks for that Twinklestein. It is nice to hear that perhaps i'm not a total fool xx

Thank you MaMaof04! I will get that book and try what you have suggested. I feel I owe my kids the chance at family life before I walk. Don't get me wrong if I find it again he's gone. No looking back x

He hasn't (as far as I know!) used drugs since he left his job. The abuse he didn't recognise as abuse until he told me and I told him thats what it was. I def think he hasn't addressed these issues. He suffers from axiety and anger issues and I think this is why x

If your daughter told you her husband had done this what would you be advising?