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Relationships

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Original poster

How do you manage to feel the same way about dh when you have a teen and life gets in the way?

44 replies

nowitsenough · 27/01/2015 16:49

Sorry, I know that's a long and complicated heading, but I can vaguely remember how I felt about dh when we had no kids and no worries and I just don't know how to get that back. Now I seem to be tired and feel resentful all the time.

A bit of background: We've been together twenty years, dd is 13. We've had lots of financial problems due to unemployment and now have heaps of debt, but dh is working in a permanent job and hopefully things will improve. I work part-time from home on a self-employed basis, as I suffer with depression and anxiety and find I can cope with this, not earning heaps of money, but it helps.

I really want to feel the same way about dh as I used to, but we never have time to ourselves, dd is a night time person, doesn't sleep well and goes to bed very late. I keep trying to get her to go to bed earlier, but she is then hungry or thirsty or someone has upset her with tweets etc that she needs to tell us.

We had a rule about no mobiles in her room until recently, but she hates her alarm and now uses her iphone to wake her gently, making her slightly less grumpy in the morning, but ideally I would like her not to have her phone in her room, as I am sure she is using it to text/tweet her friends (some live far away) and generally stay awake.

How on earth do you get a teen to go to bed on time, so that you can have quality adult time?

We seem to only start watching TV at gone 10 pm, so get to bed very late, hence why I am tired all the time, I guess. We don't DTD very often, due to tiredness, but also I have a slight prolapse and find it quite uncomfortable and am embarrassed about my body, although lights off generally solves that.

I just want to have a happy marriage again and would be really grateful for any tips on how others have managed this.

I still love him, but am just generally grumpy and would love to get back that feeling of not worrying about anything sometimes, just spending time together. At the moment we sit in front of the TV, playing games, catching up etc on our mobiles at the same time. We do go to a dance class together once a week, but otherwise can't afford to go out/go away and have no family nearby to help out with dd and pets.

Sorry, this is a long one! Thanks for reading

OP posts:

morethanpotatoprints · 27/01/2015 22:59

Sorry, just sent them to their rooms, they played x box, watched tv etc.
Either together but mostly on own. They did homework upstairs, we made it really inviting for them.

Now we are doing it with dd room, she is 11.
She likes music so she has a small stereo up there, she reads etc.
Not really much on internet but only 11 and still not in her room.

Once they got used to it they didn't really bother us.
They made their own supper, always shouted good night, a rule in our house.
You know they've gone then.

BackforGood · 27/01/2015 23:01

I think the walk suggestion is brilliant

Thanks BOF

sadly, not often I come up with something brilliant

crje · 27/01/2015 23:07

We 'borrowed' a do not disturb sign from a hotel .
Teens have been told if they come in they can't unsee what their parents are doing. Works a treat

Password protect the wifi - only give it as you see fit .

It's not you it's her lol
Teens are evil genius'

Take care

Original poster

nowitsenough · 27/01/2015 23:10

Ah ok I see. Dd has a room, tv and dvd Player, ipod dock, radio, nice double bed (courtesy of GPs) to sit/lie on. She does like being in there. The only thing missing is a laptop, but we can't afford one for quite a while, she has to use the pc we all share, when I'm not working on it.

I've told her tonight that the new rule is that at 9 pm she has to go to bed and the kitchen is closed and she has to bring her phone downstairs. She wasn't happy, but it was great to have some time to ourselves. Now we've just got to stick to it.

OP posts:

notonyourninny · 27/01/2015 23:12

I have a 13 year old and a 10/5/2 year old Dd is a nightowl but during the week she goes up at 9, she is welcome to faff in room and does pop down but is sent back up!

Soon you and dh won't need a sitter so will be able to go out more. Can you both take a day off when dd at school and do something together?

Original poster

nowitsenough · 27/01/2015 23:51

Maybe some time, but dh has just started his job, so not yet. We do leave her for brief spells, ie when we walk the dog or if I pop to the shop, so it won't be long.

A Do not disturb sign is also a good idea

OP posts:

notonyourninny · 27/01/2015 23:54

It really won't be long, chin up. im looking forward to my teen babysitting in the future.

Original poster

nowitsenough · 28/01/2015 07:57

At what age would you leave her in the evening for about 3 hours, when you're only 10 mins away? (We have a great pub 5 mins walk away and friends we visit 10 mins drive away. )

OP posts:

MyballsareSandy · 28/01/2015 08:13

I have two 13 year olds and we've left them a few times to go out, but it's prob different with two. Mine never go to their room in the evening they seem to like being down with us and we don't mind. But they do have a 9pm bedtime on school nights with no gadgets upstairs.

GnomeDePlume · 28/01/2015 08:30

Pub 5 minutes away? I would say start now. Just go for a drink for an hour to start with both for your sake and hers then build up the time away.

10 minute drive away? Again just build it up slowly perhaps during the day.

Just make sure that she knows what to do for different eventualities. Talk through different scenarios. (eg what to do if a light bulb blows so all the lights go out)

Its all about building her confidence so that when the time comes she

wideboy26 · 28/01/2015 08:42

Gnome - did the light bulb blow there or something?

GnomeDePlume · 28/01/2015 09:00

wideboy26

In our house if a lightbulb blows then the lighting circuit will flick out on the consumer unit. Knowing where the CU is and how to switch it back on is just quick, simple and stops major panics.

Original poster

nowitsenough · 28/01/2015 09:37

Thanks. Our house is the same, if one bulb goes, all the lights on that floor go out and you have to flick a switch on the fuse box, so definitely something she needs to know.

Maybe we will try going to the pub for a quick drink this weekend

OP posts:

notonyourninny · 28/01/2015 12:24

Agree, gradually build it up. If she has a friend over, i'd say the full three hours!! Enjoy.

GnomeDePlume · 28/01/2015 12:43

Sorry wideboy26 I just got your point!

ouryve · 28/01/2015 12:48

Is your DH doing his fair share of the parenting, btw, or do you feel like all the organising and nagging is on you? It can make a big difference to a relationship if you feel like you are a partnership.

newstart15 · 28/01/2015 13:02

Practical point - I think teens should have a cut off of technology after certain time as it's difficult to sleep and teens need their sleep. 12-14 years old are difficult ages but it will come good.

You can set-up your wifi so that certain devices have no access after a certain time. We did this and it helped our teen sleep as had no wifi distractions.

Original poster

nowitsenough · 28/01/2015 13:03

He's not really doing his share tbh, but I'm working on it and he is happy to back me up when I lay down rules, but tends to keep out of things most of the time.

OP posts:

BackforGood · 28/01/2015 15:11

At what age would you leave her in the evening for about 3 hours, when you're only 10 mins away?

Well, my 13 yr old has been comfortable with this for some time. We've built up to that though.. you don't go from 'never leaving child on own' to 'leaving for 3 hours in evening' in one step necessarily. Also things like the fact we have lovely neighbours all around, helps.

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