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Original poster

How do you manage to feel the same way about dh when you have a teen and life gets in the way?

44 replies

nowitsenough · 27/01/2015 16:49

Sorry, I know that's a long and complicated heading, but I can vaguely remember how I felt about dh when we had no kids and no worries and I just don't know how to get that back. Now I seem to be tired and feel resentful all the time.

A bit of background: We've been together twenty years, dd is 13. We've had lots of financial problems due to unemployment and now have heaps of debt, but dh is working in a permanent job and hopefully things will improve. I work part-time from home on a self-employed basis, as I suffer with depression and anxiety and find I can cope with this, not earning heaps of money, but it helps.

I really want to feel the same way about dh as I used to, but we never have time to ourselves, dd is a night time person, doesn't sleep well and goes to bed very late. I keep trying to get her to go to bed earlier, but she is then hungry or thirsty or someone has upset her with tweets etc that she needs to tell us.

We had a rule about no mobiles in her room until recently, but she hates her alarm and now uses her iphone to wake her gently, making her slightly less grumpy in the morning, but ideally I would like her not to have her phone in her room, as I am sure she is using it to text/tweet her friends (some live far away) and generally stay awake.

How on earth do you get a teen to go to bed on time, so that you can have quality adult time?

We seem to only start watching TV at gone 10 pm, so get to bed very late, hence why I am tired all the time, I guess. We don't DTD very often, due to tiredness, but also I have a slight prolapse and find it quite uncomfortable and am embarrassed about my body, although lights off generally solves that.

I just want to have a happy marriage again and would be really grateful for any tips on how others have managed this.

I still love him, but am just generally grumpy and would love to get back that feeling of not worrying about anything sometimes, just spending time together. At the moment we sit in front of the TV, playing games, catching up etc on our mobiles at the same time. We do go to a dance class together once a week, but otherwise can't afford to go out/go away and have no family nearby to help out with dd and pets.

Sorry, this is a long one! Thanks for reading Smile

OP posts:
Bowlersarm · 27/01/2015 17:01

Aw, OP, you sound so down.

I think you have the basics there to get back on track. You still love him, and presumably he does you, you still have sex, you spend a lot of time together, your financial situation is improving. All good.

We have teens too, but I am really happy in my relationshio with DH. We have always prioritised our relationship and even when the DC's were babies we would go out once a week just the two of us. Just wondering out aloud but if your Dd is an only child could you have included her in everything you do meaning you've missed out on couple time? And continuing to do it now?

I don't know how to help really, but maybe have a heart to heart with him and tell him how you feel? All relationships take some work; in a way the more you are able to put in, the more you get back, I think.

Original poster
nowitsenough · 27/01/2015 17:09

Thanks Smile

I guess we have included her in a lot of things we've done. Now I feel she's slipping away, as she prefers to be alone in her room or at the computer than spending time with us, so encourage her to spend time with us - but don't want that to be at the expense of our relationship.

It has been really hard and things are finally looking up and I am determined that it will be okay, we will get the mortgage arrears paid and sort things out.

Even finding time to talk is difficult! Our dd has ears like a dog - hears everything and lets us know that, so we have to close doors to have a private conversation, especially as she's always awake!

OP posts:
Armpitt · 27/01/2015 17:10

Why do you need to shove the kid off all the Time? Doesn't she just opt to go elswhere?

BackforGood · 27/01/2015 17:16

I actually think the real bonus of teens - in terms of spending time with your dh - over having littlies, is that you can go and leave them.
You might not want to spend much money at the moment going out for a meal or other treat, but you could go for a walk round the block every night after your evening meal..... good exerise, good to get out, good to get some air, and 30 - 40 mins EVERY DAY you are spending with each other, talking, holding hands, and having a bit of time to remember why you got together in the first place.

Original poster
nowitsenough · 27/01/2015 17:18

I don't "shove the kid" off all the time??

OP posts:
Original poster
nowitsenough · 27/01/2015 17:19

Backforgood that is a really good idea. When dh was unemployed we walked the dog together and always talked then, now that has stopped since he started working, but maybe I will try and get him to come with me again.

OP posts:
Jan45 · 27/01/2015 17:21

She is 13 so will well understand adult1 time, sounds like you've let her rule the roost a bit and are paying the price now, you are entitled to time alone and she would respect this without being stroppy.

Babysitter once a month so you can both go out for a nice meal?

Twinklestein · 27/01/2015 17:22

I would stop pandering to the hungry thirsty nonsense, that's a device of 6 year olds.

What's happening in your evening that you don't sit down until 10? What time does your husband get home?

Fairylea · 27/01/2015 17:25

I think your dds excuse about needing her iPhone as she hates her alarm is a little bit sneaky to be honest! Get her another alarm. Enforce the no phones in the bedroom thing and make sure all electronic gadgets are handed to you before bed. She can read (or watch TV if she has one) in bed but she needs to get to bed at a decent time and wind down so you can have some decent adult time.

Our dd is 12 and she goes to bed at 9 pm at the latest (sometimes 8.30/8.45 ish weekdays) and she is allowed another half hour of reading or whatever. Obviously some nights we all watch a film together and bedtime may be 10.30 or whatever but we do need that bit of adult time together.

BackforGood · 27/01/2015 17:31

Thanks

I am a bit confused by this though (x-posted so hadn't read it before I posted 1st time)

as she prefers to be alone in her room or at the computer than spending time with us, so encourage her to spend time with us

I have 18,16, and 13 yr olds. This really is very normal - they disappear into their rooms at about 13 and re-emerge at about 17. It's nothing personal, it's just what they do. It seems odd to make her come and spend time with you, and then complain you don't have time together Confused. I also agree that if she is hungry or thirsty that it doesn't need to involve you - she's 13 ! She can surely pour a drink or make some toast. Same with 'tweets' - if she's not emotionally mature enough to handle it, then she needs to stop using it - even if that means you resort to taking her phone off her at a set time, or turning the wi-fi off.

Original poster
nowitsenough · 27/01/2015 17:50

I guess it's just that she has previously spent most of her time with us and I miss the sweet chatty little girl she used to be. Now she's sullen, moody and unwilling to put her phone down. It doesn't help that she's "having a long distance relationship" and also that she has worried us in the past with slightly depressed behaviour.

Sorry if I didn't express myself well.

Dh gets in at 6.30. We usually eat at about 7, then tidy the kitchen, make sandwiches for the next day, I walk the dog, supervise homework, the usual stuff, chase dd into the shower ... (She's not keen on washing yet! Blush ) And suddenly it's nearly 10 pm ...

I'm going to try setting her radio alarm for tomorrow and taking her mobile off her.

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 27/01/2015 18:04

At 13 her homework can't need much supervision and she's old enough to be responsible for her own shower.

But 13 is very young for a 'long distance relationship', I wouldn't be happy about that. Have you met him?

I assume you've talked through all the dangers of sending explicit pics, filming herself etc

Original poster
nowitsenough · 27/01/2015 18:10

It's a her, it seems very innocent and I'm keeping a close eye on it. No naked pics etc.

If I don't remind her to shower, she won't and then she smells. Her homework doesn't get done unless we remind her and then she gets stressed and unhappy. I'm trying to get it right, but have no one to discuss with, no siblings myself.

OP posts:
Original poster
nowitsenough · 27/01/2015 18:13

By the way, I didn't mean I help her with homework and her shower, just that I remind her about both. But she is constantly wandering off, distracted by something and an hour can pass before anything gets done. I want to throw her mobile and the pc away! Angry

I know, I'm not a great parent, but I'm trying to change.

OP posts:
BOFster · 27/01/2015 18:29

Hey, you don't need to give yourself a hard time- you sound like you're making a reasonable fist of this parenting lark, of course you are! Evenings are just busy in many families.

I think the walk suggestion is brilliant.

DistanceCall · 27/01/2015 18:50

"I guess it's just that she has previously spent most of her time with us and I miss the sweet chatty little girl she used to be. Now she's sullen, moody and unwilling to put her phone down. It doesn't help that she's "having a long distance relationship" and also that she has worried us in the past with slightly depressed behaviour."

That's teenagehood for you. It will get better. But she isn't a little girl any more.

Original poster
nowitsenough · 27/01/2015 18:56

I know. I just wasn't expecting such a change and so quickly Shock

OP posts:
DistanceCall · 27/01/2015 18:59

As my monster put it, "I used to have a lovely little girl, and not I have a monster!" Grin

No one expects the Spanish Inquisition teenagehood, but it comes. Like a tsunami.

DistanceCall · 27/01/2015 19:00

Now, not not, obviously.

InfinitySeven · 27/01/2015 19:00

She'll change back just as fast. It's par for the course. Don't fight it :)

Infact, use it to your advantage. As long as she's done everything she needs to do, leave her to play online and spend time with your husband.

DistanceCall · 27/01/2015 19:00

Urgh, "As my mother put it, 'I used to have a lovely little girl, and now I have a monster'". Scrambled brains.

Original poster
nowitsenough · 27/01/2015 21:55

God, it goes against everything I thought I should be doing. I thought I should limit her online time ... Hmm I thought I should be showing her how much we love her by wanting to spend time with her. But she wants to talk to her friends, not us. It's just all different ...

Tonight was a good evening though. I took heed of the good advice here, laid down some rules, walked the dog with dh, set dds radio alarm .. Feeling positive and empowered Wink Grin

OP posts:
GnomeDePlume · 27/01/2015 22:19

That is all sounding good and positive nowitsenough. I have three teenagers (19, 16 & 15). I do think that boundaries are good with teenagers. They sometimes do need to be reminded that they arent the centre of the known universe.

I dont think there is anything wrong with shutting the door so that you and your DH can chat amongst yourselves. Perfectly acceptable in my book to take the dog for a walk then come back in and have another hour or so to carry on the chat when you get back in. This can be the time when DD should be getting on with homework and having a shower.

morethanpotatoprints · 27/01/2015 22:35

I think the posts so far are brilliant mine are older but we had 2 teens together, they are 3 years apart.

We found the same at first and then said hoy to bed.
The difficult thing was them still being awake etc when we wanted sex.
Just got them out of the way for a bit and dd is now old enough to want to be up late.
So we are just getting her room sorted.

My friend has to book her and her dh into a hotel room for their adult time Shock. They are very rich and go on quite a few breaks each year Grin

I don't agree with social media being unsupervised though, I don't mean you being there but access to and checking regularly.
But thats just me and my experience of what I hear from people.

Original poster
nowitsenough · 27/01/2015 22:50

Thanks.

What did you mean, "hoy to bed"?

what do you mean by sorting her room?

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