Porn issues...

[kittykatblonde]

Hi there, really not sure if I'm posting in the right place as I've never posted on a forum, but I really wanted to talk to some other ladies about this.

Basically my partner won't stop watching porn. He's so caring and loving and affectionate, but I've told him it makes me feel very uncomfortable, and it's completely destroyed our sex life. For 12 months now hes said its unacceptable and will stop, but never does.

I understand it can be normal in relationships, and for some its completely fine. But I absolutely hate it, and our sex life has gone so down hill over a period of months because of it. Now I've just found out I'm pregnant (which I'm overjoyed with!), but I'm now so much more keen to sort this because it's not fair on our little one.

Does anyone else have this issue? People tell me I'm wrong to feel this way, but it's my feelings and Ive tried so hard to be ok with his porn but it hurts me so very much. I've begged him, I've cried, but he doesn't stop. He says he wants to "have his cake and eat it".

Has anyone been through this and have any advice for me? I'm at my wits ends and I'm so depressed at the moment because of all this and the rows it causes. I wish more than anything that I wasn't bothered by his actions but I just find it disrespectful and hurtful. Now I'm beginning to think I'm the strange one for feeling so hurt by all this.

Sorry girls for the rant! Don't have anybody else to chat to about this.

Any advice at all is much appreciated.

xxx

Hello Kitty,

You are where I was a few years ago. My soon-to-be XH became addicted to online porn. He had huge caches of it. He didn't care how much his addiction distressed me. One morning, after viewing porn over breakfast, he left a site called Monster Dildoes open on his laptop. My three-year-old, looking for a Peter Cottontail video, came across pictures of young girls being sodomised by various kitchen implements.

When I decided to end my physical relationship with him, he didn't seem to notice. At least, he didn't mention it. By that time he was impotent anyway; I believe it is called Porn ED.

XH's porn addiction intensified, and crossed over into real life. Last year, he was headhunted for a very desirable job in England. For the sake of keeping the family together, I agreed to the move. I let him go on ahead while I packed up our house in Australia and found a tenant for it. Then, fortuitously, or because his internet access in the UK was via our Australian account, I found a bunch of messages from a UK dating website called BBW Love. He had posted his profile just hours after landing and was busily setting up rendezvous with women all over England.

Strangely, when I told him our miserable sham of a marriage was over and why, he was indignant. Today he emailed me to say he had engaged a lawyer to fight me for the assets.

Kitty, is this what you want to happen to you? If you are distressed by your DH's porn, that is a perfectly valid reaction. The longer the addiction continues, the more miserable, isolated and ugly you will feel. It will destroy your self-esteem. Other people, perhaps DH's family, will tell you that you are over-reacting. DH himself will probably tell you that too. If they do so, they are gaslighting you -- trying to make you believe that you are mistaken in thinking there is a problem. That's what XH and his parents tried to do to me.

You are pregnant -- congratulations :) Think about what sort of home environment you will be bringing your child into. Think about whether a man who spends so much time feeding his addiction, and so little time thinking of you and what you deserve from the marriage, is going to make a good father. Think about whether you want to stay in a relationship where you are treated with such contempt, for that is what it is.

I feel for you. I wish I could give you a big hug. Good luck, dear Kitty.

Thanks groovergirl
I literally welled up reading your reply. Everyone keeps telling me I'm over reacting and it hurts me so so much. I am so sorry to hear your story, I am so scared our relationship is going to end like that. I want nothing more than a loving home for my little one. I am going to ask him to go to his parents for the week while I think things over. You're right, I don't want my child around that kind of behavior, or to think that it is right to make people feel that way. Thank you so much for your reply, it means so much to know I'm not alone feeling this way. Lots of hugs and love to you xxxx

Fundamentally this is a compatibility issue. Something that you really don't like and he really does. In isolation neither of you are right or wrong in your reaction to porn - all kinds of views are held - but as two people trying to make a life together you've got a very serious incompatibility

If he was discreet about his behaviour and it didn't affect other areas of your relationship, you might be able to find some kind of compromise. As it is, he is adding insult to injury making false promises to stop, ignoring your distress and also letting it destroy the physical intimacy in your relationship. So now you can add mistrust, disrespect, and physical rejection to the incompatibility...... Not good.

There is only one way to change someone's behaviour and even then it is not guaranteed. It's to threaten consequences so dire that they have no choice but to comply. In this context, you have to be prepared to say the relationship is over and mean it. If he still prefers wanking over a computer, he's really not worth it.

Firstly, congratulations on your pregnancy. Secondly, you do not need to explain your feelings regarding pornography. Your feelings are valid and reasonable.

I think you need to accept that this is ultimatum time. I'm not sure what your boundaries will be, but whatever they are you need to be prepared to stick by any consequences you say you will. All I know is that the current situation can't continue - it sounds as though it's making you unwell.

I'm afraid you need to be prepared for him to choose the porn over you.

To be honest I think even if I left him he would happily jack off the same night to it. After I had my last miscarriage he did it like 2 nights later. I would do anything to understand, but I just can't anymore. Thanks for your reply, I feel so much better knowing that other people think this behavior isnt right. Hugs to you xx

he isnt going to stop.
Some people are fine with it, but youre not obliged to be. Your feelings are valid.

If he stops for you and not because he wants to or thinks its bad, then it wont work.
If you have to pretend youre ok with it and you're not, then it wont work.

I think its a compatibility issue

Kitty, you are not over-reacting. It is time to distance yourself from those who say you are, and find some supportive friends.

His behaviour has already done you damage. Don't let it get any worse. It's a good idea of yours to move him out to his parents' place for a week so that you can have space and time to think clearly. Of course, he will tell you that it's not necessary, that you are over-reacting, all the defensive shitte that I heard from my XH.

You can't cure his addiction. You might not be able to change his behaviour, but you can decide how you respond to it. Put your own well-being first.

I suspect that you might enjoy your week of freedom. ;)

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

I'm afraid it's unlikely to stop. If it's affecting your sex life and he still won't stop, he has a problem. I think there's a website somewhere for men who have given up porn, but I don't know what it's called, it might help to point him in that direction, if any other posters know what it's called. However, ultimately, unless he wants to stop for himself, it will never work and he'll just start hiding it from you.

Some people are fine with porn, but I think few people would be fine if it started to affect their sex life. Your feelings on this are perfectly valid. Remember, it actually doesn't matter if other people disagree with you, it's your relationship and if it's making you unhappy you can end it for whatever reason you like, you don't owe anyone an explanation beyond "I wasn't happy".

Groovergirl - I hope you're happier without him.

For what it's worth you are not overacting. It's a total deal breaker for me to. Some people are fine with it, but it's totally normal to not be fine with it.

There are men who don't watch porn - don't let anyone tell you that all men do it.

I feel for you - I think if it was me I would want to kick him out, although I realise that probably isn't helpful. Wish I had more advice

For resources on overcoming pornography addiction, the "Your Brain Rebalanced" site (google it) is a good starting point.

If he does decide to do something about it, the "your brain on porn" forum is a useful support group (for men and their partners).

Hooty -- it was like being let out of a coffin after being buried alive and half-zombified. It has been a year, and tho I still have my bad days, my health is much improved, thank you. :)

Kitty -- I'm off to bed now, as I'm in Melbourne and it's late. Chin up, good luck with whatever you decide. I'll check on you in the morning, my time.

Thanks guys. Groovergirl- Even the idea of him being away makes me feel a little more relaxed, like i can just laze around in pajamas without feeling underattractive, eat pizza without feeling fat ;)

Thanks for your congratulations! I really am so so happy to be pregnant, it's all ive wanted for a long time now. Hooty- that website sounds promising, I'll do some googling see if I can find it,he says he wants to stop and I think he means it, but its like its just too good to stop. I have a feeling its like when I try to diet and eventually I think sod it and eat a chocolate bar. But if eating chocolate destroyed my partner I don't think I'd ever eat it again.... He says he just wants to look at other things and women.....:( I'm wondering if some time alone will make me see if I actually still want to be together or not.

Its so hard because we're totally fine with everything else, he looks after me, does anything for me (apart from this), if i ask for a cup of tea at 4am he jumps right up to get one. In every other way he's perfect, and I do love him so much. This has just destroyed us...

Blackcoffee- thanks so much for that I'll look it up now!

I avoided putting my own views in my first post, but if it makes you feel any better, porn would be a deal breaker for me regardless of how good a partner he was in other respects. I don't like the argument that if a man is in other ways a great guy, that then entitles him to do whatever he wants on the internet. I know that plenty of people don't have a problem with porn and that's fine, their choice, but you have two issues here. Firstly, you're not ok with it, that's a valid stance to take and don't let anyone tell you differently. Secondly, it's affecting your sex life, nobody would be fine with that.

FWIW, if he really wants to stop then that's a good sign. Sadly, because it's so available these days it's hard for someone who has developed something of an obsession to stop, but stop he must if you are expected to carry on. It's a bit like expecting an alcoholic to live in a pub and not drink. Maybe he needs to wean himself off the internet generally (except for work if he needs it). Tell him to get a hobby to fill the void (that doesn't involve fannies ). There are resources available if he genuinely wants to stop. However, your biggest problem in the future will be trust. At the moment it sounds like he's not hiding his habit from you. If he feels backed into a corner he might stop, it's far more likely that he'll just start hiding it from you.

hooty- it really does make me feel better talking to other women, it finally feels at last like I'm not going crazy and this wouldn't be ok for some other women either. I think deep down he really wants to because of how it affects me, like I said earlier when I first start a diet I'm convinced I'm going to lose weight....but it somehow doesnt happen lol. We have very little trust now- if any, and I can't even believe him when he compliments me or says he likes the food I cook. It's that bad. He has lied a lot about this, but ive found out anyway and now its just accepted that hes carried on doin it behind my back for a good 12 months. I'm going to tell him to get some help with this, but it can't have this effect on me anymore. I think he needs to distance himself while he sorts this out. I really do feel an awful lot better already just knowing I'm not so much on my own right now. Thanks so much

DH watched porn when we met and as I hold some strong ethical views on this subject and made it clear we couldn't continue the relationship if he was still going to use it. I was never going to ban it, but I wasn't going to move in with him if this was going to be part of our lives.

For my DH, he said education was the key. He read lots of articles about the dark side of the industry as well as the affects it had on his relationships, attitudes towards women and potentially his performance. In fact, he used most of the resources already mentioned above.

It was a learning process for him, he felt a lot of guilt/shame about his actions and also identified that for him it was a "bad habit" borne out of a mixture of laziness, ignorance and the old chestnut "all men do it". He felt it was almost expected of him. He blocked all adult content on his mobile device as well as on our home server (I never asked him to do this) and he still remains mindful and educated on the topic. It improved our sex life but it also improved our emotional connection; I was very proud of his commitment to change and I still am. He sees the pride I have for him and wears it like a badge of honour.

I'm not saying all porn is unethical/bad/dirty/shameful but I had already identified porn was never going to be something conducive to a healthy sexual and emotional relationship for me so I drew my line in the sand and he decided to step up to it.

Your opening post really touched me. Regarding porn, I think there are a number of issues that society as a whole has not yet found a way of addressing. Firstly, you are absolutely within your rights to feel hurt and upset by your partner's behaviour. Flip it round: if he told you that an aspect of your behaviour was hurting him so much that he was thinking of ending the relationship over it, what would you do? If you cared about him and the relationship, you would evaluate your priorities, and decide that your partner's feelings are more important than your own wants.

But with pornography use, somehow, the emphasis is turned around - you are considered unreasonable for not wanting this thing that you feel is damaging your relationship, to be intruding into your life. Looking at porn may not be intrinsically WRONG per se (putting aside ethical issues, which in many people's opinion trump any pro-porn arguments), but it is a behaviour that is hurting you and your relationship, therefore within that context it is very wrong indeed.

It is a question of values. What does it say about his values that he is happy to wank over porn two days after his wife has had a miscarriage? He would probably say that in his mind the two things are completely separate. But they are not. They can't be. He is putting value on his own pleasure to the detriment of your emotional and sexual needs. That is not fair in a relationship of equals. He is also telling you that the side of him that choses porn trumps the side of him that looks after you, his real flesh and bone partner.

I think a lot of women are in your position, and have to ask themselves, is it worth it? Is it worth watching our own sex lives dwindle, our confidence be eroded, and our security in our homes destroyed as every time our backs are turned, our male partners are choosing an exploitative sexual release that excludes us, and demeans our own sexuality? Are men deluding themselves, thinking that it is "normal", as their own true pleasure in real sex is destroyed, along with the trust in their relationships and the joy in their leisure time? It is awful and so unfair on women. And if, when a man has been told all this, he still declaims his "right" to look at porn, then in essence he has already chosen porn over his own partner - which makes him a sad wanker. Basically.

I actually confronted my partner about porn use. His wasn't bad, but it was upsetting me and I used to dread leaving him home alone because he'd take that as an opportunity to browse videos. To him, it really didn't mean anything - just a cheap and easy release that he'd learned whilst single. As soon as he was told how much it hurt me, and it was explained to him why, he stopped. Because it didn't really matter that much to him, and because he'd rather have sex with me.

Shumbtucker- I would do absolutely anything to get him to want our relationship over his porn. I think he wants to stop, but he just won't. Right now hes claiming hes not interested in it anymore- the same thing hes said all year. It's more about respect now I think, I've told him we can't be together if it carries on because it hurts me, and he says of course he'll stop, but then it happens again. Its so nice to hear that your partner made the commitment to you, you're lucky- I would do anything to have that right now. Thank you for replying xxx

Seabream- you have just summed up everything I have tried to explain to my partner. You couldn't have explained that better, that is EXACTLY how i feel and what I've tried to get across to him. I worry sometimes he thinks im just another typical woman who refuses to accept porn. What worries me also is that I have no idea if this is an addiction and he needs some help, or he really needs to look at other women to get off and feel satisfied (because the images I send him arent enough). I have no idea which one it is. To still do it after a miscarriage (and an abortion that he wanted me to have previously), sort of makes me think its a problem, but then I go back to wondering if he just isn't satisfied with me and I should leave. Now I have a little one on the way I feel I can't just up and leave, but for the sake of my baby I need to work out if he needs help. What do you think? xxxxx

You are not over reacting, why would you be ok with it, not every woman is in fact I'm shocked you seem to think this is acceptable for most of us, it isn't. I think it's really sad that your OH thinks porn is more important than you and your feelings. Would he be happy if you were jacking off to porn all the time, doubt it, he wants his cake, well tell him to take it elsewhere, esp when baby comes along, it will just feel even more gross to you.

Apart from hormonal teenagers and the occasional look at soft porn, I think any guy using it in a way where it is detriment to their relationship, really has a problem.

Jan- I fear this will only get worse when baby comes along, and when I'm heavily pregnant and not wanting to be naked around him. Even now I struggle to get undressed infront of him because I'm so insecure.

If it is an "addiction", then he needs to deal with it, and the first rule of addiction recovery is that the addict needs to accept that he is an addict and he must want to stop. Usually to get to that point he needs a "rock bottom". You might (and I'm just saying this as a warning), have to create his rock bottom for him, by demonstrating that he is going to lose everything - family, home, and unborn child - if he continues his behaviour.
It isn't up to you to "work out if he needs help" because you can't force him into help. He has to make that choice for himself. I think having a child on the way makes it even more important, for the sake of your baby you can't continue to live like this.

Good luck! It makes me so spitting mad that men do this to their families, it is the ultimate in selfish entitlement and society and the media all collude with it. It is BULLSHIT.

Bullshit indeed. I have so much anger over this but can't seem to get that out lol. He's at work now but I've told him he needs to make a decision, and he needs to decide if he needs help or this is just who he is. Ive asked him to go to the parents but I'm not sure he will (fingers crossed). Ive also said I'm doing it now because its stressing me out, and therefore baby out, so he needs to get his act together. I will update you guys later when he gets home, thanks so much again, you're all amazing on here. Hugs and love to everyone xxx

Don't tell him you are waiting for his decision. You need to decide for yourself what happens now. If you want him to leave and then prove he is no longer a porn user then that is what you must do. You are in charge here - not him.

Good luck. And don't feel you have to justify how you feel. Your feelings and insecurities are valid and do not let him tell you otherwise.

I'm really glad that we haven't had the 'get real and don't be such a prude' responses on this thread (so far).

Reading your thread OP reminded me of a Ted Talk I saw a while back and while looking for it, I found another - they both show how porn can 're-wire' the brain of the user and adversely affect real-life relationships. Ask him to watch them. Maybe watch them together.

and

fwiw, discovering my ex's porn use led to the breakdown of our relationship. Finding out later that this escalated to a £3,000 debt due to web-cam use, etc, makes me glad we split when we did.

thank you for the link! I'm going to watch it tonight, hopefully get a better understanding of it xxxx