Porn issues...

[kittykatblonde]

Hi there, really not sure if I'm posting in the right place as I've never posted on a forum, but I really wanted to talk to some other ladies about this.

Basically my partner won't stop watching porn. He's so caring and loving and affectionate, but I've told him it makes me feel very uncomfortable, and it's completely destroyed our sex life. For 12 months now hes said its unacceptable and will stop, but never does.

I understand it can be normal in relationships, and for some its completely fine. But I absolutely hate it, and our sex life has gone so down hill over a period of months because of it. Now I've just found out I'm pregnant (which I'm overjoyed with!), but I'm now so much more keen to sort this because it's not fair on our little one.

Does anyone else have this issue? People tell me I'm wrong to feel this way, but it's my feelings and Ive tried so hard to be ok with his porn but it hurts me so very much. I've begged him, I've cried, but he doesn't stop. He says he wants to "have his cake and eat it".

Has anyone been through this and have any advice for me? I'm at my wits ends and I'm so depressed at the moment because of all this and the rows it causes. I wish more than anything that I wasn't bothered by his actions but I just find it disrespectful and hurtful. Now I'm beginning to think I'm the strange one for feeling so hurt by all this.

Sorry girls for the rant! Don't have anybody else to chat to about this.

Any advice at all is much appreciated.

xxx

As human beings we have the capacity to see receive new information and ideas and adjust our thoughts and actions accordingly, provided that we want to do it. Personal and emotional development are important to me so if they weren't important to him then in all honestly, we were not going to be compatible in the long run.

I know its hard OP but don't let this knock your self-esteem, get your game face on. If he truly believes that his right (and he is well within his rights) to wank over porn is more important than your feelings and the longevity of your relationship then you're well rid anyway. No one pisses on my self esteem, I have worked for too hard and for too long to become happy in my own skin for someone to take a slegehammer to it for the sake of knocking one out.

He is going to have his cake and eat it
Sounds like you are just another object OP. If you are not comfortable with this, then it is acceptable for you to set those boundaries. They seem very reasonable to me.

kittykatblonde: how are you feeling today? I hope you are feeling stronger about your position and thinking of how to move forward without the pornhound

Hi guys, well here's how it went:
He got home that evening and we talked. He said maybe he does have a problem and will work on it and do everything he can to change it. I told him if he is serious then I will treat it the same as every other addiction and not take it personally, as long as he talks to me about how hes doing and tells me what's been going on.
We tried to have some fun this morning, which is hard for me atm because it just reminds me of everything thats gone on, and then I start getting really self conscious. It ended up in a heated discussion then a full blown row, ending in him leaving for a couple of hours. I asked him how his addiction was going and he said oh fine haven't thought about it since we chatted last week. I'm not sure if im being paranoid but I thought someone with an addiction needed to talk and help getting through, and it wasnt as easy just not thinking about it? So i said I'm not sure this is an addiction I think you're just covering your ass by saying it is. I honestly deep down think that he will always want to stare at other naked women, and he isnt changing because he wants to. I have no idea if he needs help or is just being an asshole, and I feel I can't leave until I know which one it is. If I didnt have a child on board I would go either way.
Now we're back to how we always were and I had to ask him to leave the house to give me a few hours of reassurance he wasnt on porn.
I have a house with him, animals, a job near him, not enough money to have my own place, and now a baby on the way.
Leaving just seems impossible...:(
xxx

I have no idea if porn can be an addiction in the same way that alcohol, gambling etc is, but common sense seems to suggest that it could be.

If so you may find the GA website helpful. In particular their is a quiz for people wondering if they are compulsive gamblers. Get him to try that but replace the word gambling with porn.

If you feel it is an addiction in this sense then it is extremely unlikely that he will just stop using it. He may need professional help. If it is like gambling then he will promise to stop but almost certainly won't. (as there is no equivalent to GA) I would work on the basis that he is unlikely to change his habits.

With regard to this whole problem, cog hit the nail on the head. This is a compatibility issue. Only you can decide how much of an issue that is for you. Plenty of couples live with and manage incompatibility issues, quite happily. But if this is a really important issue for you it may be insurmountable.