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Original poster

dh not talking to me over silly disagreement

67 replies

Applejack100 · 27/01/2015 09:37

my dh currently not talking to me over a silly disagreement - he came in last night, went straight upstairs said goodnight to the kids who were already in bed, then went down to the kitchen, took a plate of food from the dinner that i had prepared for us, took it upstairs to the bedroom, stayed in bedroom all night, then slept in spare bedroom, this morning did not come down at all till we had all left for school etc - this was all over some silly disagreement about me not wanting technology in the bedroom - surely it doesn't warrant this kind of over extended reaction??!! obviously what i think is something minor represents something a lot more significant to him, but i am slightly at a loss over what to do, or how to react -?

OP posts:

Annarose2014 · 29/01/2015 12:57

He didn't want you to say how you felt. He just wanted you to say "OK". So he writes a note rather than walk into the bedroom and say it in private, and then says it in front of the kids so he still doesn't have to say it in private.

Meanwhile the kids learn that silent treatment is ok as long as eventually you apologise.

Apologies are easy. You get to act magnaminous. And you get to punish the whole household first. And put your wife back in her box. It'll be a long time before you object to anything again after all this drama over such a small thing.

mix56 · 29/01/2015 14:50

That is such cowardly manipulating behaviour, & so you don't want "to rack the whole thing up again", you duck your head, & accept it....... 3 days of silence sulking & back turning, & a note under the door & it all goes away..
If you can't talk to him without getting snappy retorts of you are argumentative, aggressive you are looking for a fight, then personally I think you are heading for a long sad future.
This evening you should present him with a letter with your clear thoughts & tell him when he is prepared to talk about it. YOU will decide when or if he can sleep in your bedroom or not.
Please do not be a carpet.

Drew64 · 29/01/2015 15:24

So...Let me get this right.
Your husband wants to charge his phone in the bedroom, while you are both asleep. Reasonable imo a perfect time to charge a phone so that it is fully charged for the following day. A perfect place too, If there is an emergency of some kind then his phone is right there beside him to take or make that emergency call.
He is charging his phone, what's the problem? You have not said he is using it in the bedroom, you said he was charging it.

So you disagree with tech in the bedroom, you have both obviously had a discussion about it in the past where you disagreed which you then follow up some time later with a magazine article to back up the argument your husband thought had been discussed.

What do you expect, I'd be pissed off.

Granted he went over the top but I do wonder, in this situation who is controlling who?

The poor fella only wants to charge his phone, and not only do you disagree, you follow it up sometime later with a magazine article.

Can you please refrain from using your hairdrier/straigtners in the bedroom then?

mix56 · 29/01/2015 16:03

I've read that is is not advised also, altho with all the other cancerous stuff, like just about everything we eat, drink & breath possibly not a whole big issue.
But the big issue is that there is no debate, OP has been subjected to 3 days of stone walling over this simple topic, to which she was already prepared to compromise on. 3 days sleeping in the spare room.
Well she is just supposed to let that method of manipulation wash off...
I for one wouldn't. particularly as her kids are spectators to this pitiful behavior

BitOutOfPractice · 29/01/2015 16:08

"poor fella"

Joysmum · 29/01/2015 16:14

Disagreements are fine, 3 days of sulking is not.

It's not about the phone.

ThatBloodyWoman · 29/01/2015 16:21

I was coming on to say that I'd just crack on and let him have a strop till he came and apologised.
Which he did.
So I'd move on now,and assume next time he'll talk it through since sulking obviously didn't work.

hamptoncourt · 29/01/2015 16:25

You "fear he might go mental" and so you never voice your opinion?

Sounds pretty standard abusive to me.

Good luck OP if you are happy to live like this. I could not.

mix56 · 29/01/2015 16:28

but OP has said that this is repeatedly the way he behaves:

there is no point in trying to talk to him if he is that angry - he will either go crazy or just stonewall me, which i guess is what he is doing now, i just have to wait it out - for this particular pool of anger to drain out of his system - but its just so bonkers and childish^

ImBatDog · 29/01/2015 16:52

wow, 3 days?

i think its childish when my dh is being frosty with me the day following a disagreement.

After 1 day of being ignored i'd have told him to get over himself or fuck off, i really would.

alabastergirl · 29/01/2015 16:53

I agree - this is nothing to do with a phone and everything to do with him being an abusive bully.

BertieBotts · 29/01/2015 17:00

Sorry OP but you are being abused. You might not want to acknowledge that right now or think about it, which is fine, but it is absolutely and plainly clear from what you have written. If and when you are ready, you will find a lot of support on this board about coping and processing with such a realisation, and making a decision about the long term.

It won't get better, it will if anything get worse. This isn't something you can "train" him out of like a toddler, because he's not a toddler who will grow up. He is grown up. This is who he is. It's a fundamental incompatibility between him and a healthy relationship.

Original poster

Applejack100 · 29/01/2015 19:50

i am aware that his behaviour isn't exactly ideal, but i am not sure I could face a torrent of 'LTB's! either, I posted cos I just wanted a different perspective and vent some steam, I am also aware I may not be the most laid back person in the world to live with, as many of you have said you ain't bothered by phone etc in the bedroom - but to be honest it wasn't a massive deal for me either - its been in there for the last year or so - but it bothered me a bit, it bothered me enough to show him the article - my point is i should be able to make my point without a torrent of abuse or anger and I hardly think that makes me controlling! It's a bit like the old favourite of how to load the dish washer, which apparently many couples argue over (we don't, cos i don't give a rats arse) - its just one person expressing an opinion about a different way to do things, or a a different way to live - it is hardly controlling - ....blimey

OP posts:

mix56 · 29/01/2015 21:01

OP, don't worry, there are always lots of differing opinions, & at the base of your original post, the whole point was all about being able to differ in opinion without getting trashed.
So sorry for people lording about. Welcome to the debate !!

mix56 · 29/01/2015 21:03

sorry screwed up the bold thingy !! I'm an idiot !

Topseyt · 29/01/2015 21:38

He does sound pretty childish. Sulking and giving the silent treatment for several days is a twatty way to deal with things. At least he has apologised, but he should have a private discussion with you so that you can both put your points across in a civilised way.

Technology in the bedroom is not something that bothers me at all. My phone charges up there and back rely on it to be my alarm clock. I also like it there as precaution in case of a nighttime emergency (hopefully unlikely) when I might need to call for help quickly.

For that reason, if the phone makes a reappearance in the bedroom then just let it go. Any risk is very minor really.

BertieBotts · 29/01/2015 22:02

No fair dos - I'm not telling you you should leave :)

It doesn't matter if the argument/disagreement is over a dishwasher, phone charger or wanting to move to Australia. The problem is how he dealt with it, and the way that you were about to give in for the sake of keeping the peace.

No it doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things if he charges his phone in the bedroom. What does matter is that he ridicules your opinion and gets angry when you lightheartedly show him something which backs you up. You didn't even expect him to change his behaviour!

His apology is meaningless if, in future, you will avoid asserting your opinion because you know that it upsets him. That is the controlling part. Control is not one person saying "I will do this and you have no say", it's small, tiny acts which show you that he doesn't take kindly to you having an opinion. You are not the one who has acted controlling here. You did a perfectly ordinary thing.

As I said - it's not an issue when it's about a phone charger. But what if it's about a bigger issue? You can't expect to go through life keeping the peace and keeping quiet over every issue, because at some point one is going to come up which really does matter to you, and then what?

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