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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

dh not talking to me over silly disagreement

67 replies

Applejack100 · 27/01/2015 09:37

my dh currently not talking to me over a silly disagreement - he came in last night, went straight upstairs said goodnight to the kids who were already in bed, then went down to the kitchen, took a plate of food from the dinner that i had prepared for us, took it upstairs to the bedroom, stayed in bedroom all night, then slept in spare bedroom, this morning did not come down at all till we had all left for school etc - this was all over some silly disagreement about me not wanting technology in the bedroom - surely it doesn't warrant this kind of over extended reaction??!! obviously what i think is something minor represents something a lot more significant to him, but i am slightly at a loss over what to do, or how to react -?

OP posts:
nilbyname · 27/01/2015 12:44

He called you names?

Pack him a bag and tell him to fuck off, and to come back when he grows a pair and behaves like an adult.

BeCool · 27/01/2015 13:02

What an arse!

OP are you also wondering why it is so very important to him to have access to his phone/ipad etc all night long? Or has his childish behaviour successfully deflected any focus on other issues?

I'm thinking there is something ELSE he is feeling very defensive about that he isn't discussing with you.

(in the past I lived with a MoodyFucker for years, until I had enough and ended the relationship)

Original poster
Applejack100 · 27/01/2015 13:13

like i say i think it is a basic power struggle, his way or my way, which is better? - no he doesn't need a phone in the bedroom, but then neither do i need to not have one?! if you know what i mean, my point is i have lived with his way all this time and will continue to do so as it is so important to him but feel i am being over ridden by he who shouts loudest, till in the end he gets what he wants - i never raise an objection about anything for fear he might go mental

OP posts:
Nomama · 27/01/2015 13:29

Calmly ask him to stop for a moment... he has a choice, he an either talk or walk.

But neither you nor he are children to sulk like this - so do make his tea rather than join him, just for today, so you will expect him to wait until your kids are in bed and then to sit down and have an adult discussion about, well, having a discussion.

If he won't then he is choosing to make continuing as a couple impossible. His choice, not yours.

But you can't really carry on becoming more and more faceless in your own home whilst trying to appease him, can you?

GotToBeInItToWinIt · 27/01/2015 13:31

To be honest he sounds like an arse.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/01/2015 13:38

"my point is i have lived with his way all this time and will continue to do so as it is so important to him but feel i am being over ridden by he who shouts loudest, till in the end he gets what he wants - i never raise an objection about anything for fear he might go mental"

So you have become conditioned to him acting like this and act accordingly. He does this because he can and it works; he has you completely in submission to him and say nothing to him out of fear of him going mad.

If someone else was writing the above, what would you think?.

What do you think your children are learning about relationships here from the example they are being shown?.

supernaut · 27/01/2015 13:39

OK, seems there's more to it than the first few posts...

SnowWhiteAteTheApple · 27/01/2015 13:45

He's acting like a child re sulking as you are treating him like one. You can't forbid an adult to do something and the magazine article was OTT. It's a phone not drugs. Surely he can decide as an adult if he wants his phone in the bedroom or not and I would imagine the fire risk was tiny yet been needing to call the police/fire dept higher.

Name calling is not on though and I would pull him up on that.

bunchoffives · 27/01/2015 13:53

You are walking on eggshells?

If you raise something he disagrees with, he goes 'mental'?

Or, if you raise something he disagrees with, he stonewalls you?

This is emotional abuse.

I bet there is a lot more that you haven't written about.

Do you think you are being abused?

Jan45 · 27/01/2015 14:13

You are in an emotionally abusive relationship, simple as that, other than leave, nothing will change, it works for him.

Original poster
Applejack100 · 27/01/2015 14:33

snowwhite i am not forbidding him to do anything, i am merely saying i don't like it - how is expressing my opinion which i know to be different to his, treating him like a child? and its never been about a fire risk - i did not post that

OP posts:
HansieLove · 27/01/2015 15:53

Agree. Don't cook for him.

however · 28/01/2015 01:03

Snowwhite, when someone can't raise an objection 'for fear he'll go mental', then it's not about the phone or where it's located.

Apple, surely you can see that?

Surreyblah · 28/01/2015 06:18

He sounds like an arse at best.

What do you mean "irascible" and "goes mental"? What kind of "choice names"? In what way does he say you're lucky? What kind of things have you backed down on?

iamusuallybeingunreasonable · 28/01/2015 06:35

I wouldn't be making any dinner for him tonight Grin

alabastergirl · 28/01/2015 09:01

Being called a nag would be enough for me. Horrible word designed to put you down. I also wonder why he is defensive about his technology and agree, nice spot of deflection.

I wonder what he has to hide?

Either way, he is an emotionally abusive arse at best - I hope you realise you are worth much more than this. And please don't even put the kettle on to make the manchild a mug of tea, let alone dinner...

Annarose2014 · 28/01/2015 09:22

i never raise an objection about anything for fear he might go mental

Well his behaviour has worked, hasn't it? He's got his wife to a point where she never complains and never objects.

He's furious with you right now because you forgot the rules - you are not allowed to disapprove of anything he likes

So now you're being taught a lesson. And you'll learn it. You'll shut up about the phone and never mention it again. And then he'll forgive you.

overslept · 28/01/2015 10:20

All this over a phone in the bedroom? No way. As others have said, this is a control issue. You backed up yourself with evidence and thus knocked his attitude that his word is law. Has he ever been wrong about anything OP?

Honestly you need to either tell him he is being an idiot and his reaction is ridiculous an hope he can look at himself from an outsiders perspective or you need to realise that this will never stop, as long as you carry on trying to keep the peace, accept that he will walk all over you. I know which option I'd be choosing.

mix56 · 28/01/2015 12:13

I'd send him an text/email, & tell him that his reaction is out of proportion, & that marriage is about sharing & communication & compromises, & if he cannot even talk about a subject this simple without sulking for 24 hrs then there are some serious questions he should be asking himself about being an adult, father & husband. If he wants to sleep on the sofa, or spare bed, he can go a friends house & do it. Without making a fool of himself infant of the children

mix56 · 28/01/2015 12:14

sorry, typos due to autocorrect

AHatAHatMyKingdomForAHat · 28/01/2015 14:01

my point is i have lived with his way all this time and will continue to do so as it is so important to him but feel i am being over ridden by he who shouts loudest, till in the end he gets what he wants - i never raise an objection about anything for fear he might go mental

Ok. If you are happy to live like that, well, that's your choice.

Right at the start you asked obviously what i think is something minor represents something a lot more significant to him, but i am slightly at a loss over what to do, or how to react -?

If it were me, I would make damn sure he never again got anything he wanted by shouting loudest. I would raise objections frequently, let him "go mental" and still not give him what he wants. I would keep doing this until he realised that "going mental", sulking and shouting was no longer a tactic that worked.

It is the same way I dealt with my toddlers when they tantrummed like this. It worked. They are lovely mostly now.

Why did you start the thread?

AHatAHatMyKingdomForAHat · 28/01/2015 14:02

He is a bully. You are being bullied.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 28/01/2015 14:29

Some people do seem to think a successful relationship is about training their partners to fall in line. Meanwhile your DCs take all this information on board. By the time they have adult relationships they're going to think they know what is normal.

The danger is if you think life's too short to 'make a fuss' or you can't bear an atmosphere, your spouse gets accustomed to getting their own way and any opposition assumes importance way out of all proportion. Do you mind me asking, were you aware as a child of this kind of thing between your parents? I think if you grow up with a sulker and/or shouter it colours your later views on how couples get along ie daring to disagree, what rocks the boat, respecting differences of opinion.

mix56 · 28/01/2015 14:37

also the putting the blame, "you're aggressive" is a classic tactic for an abuser, they manage to turn around every disagreement into it being your fault. its an old recipe, straight from the abusers bible

Original poster
Applejack100 · 29/01/2015 12:43

so after 3 days not talking to me and 3 nights in spare room, i woke up one morning with a note outside my bedroom door, saying he was sorry for his behaviour! and that morning he came down for breakfast with me and the kids and apologised to me in person, all very well and most welcomed but by apologising then in that brief pre-school, kids-present window, it didn't really give me an opportunity to say how i felt because i don't want to rack the whole thing up again, so i accept his apology and try to move on with life....and the phone is not in the bedroom now even though i was more than willing to acquiesce for the sake of peace......

OP posts: