How do I make a decision and stick to it?

[DubbyDubby]

I posted a little while back after my boyfriend told me he'd been texting another woman, but had knocked it on the head when she suggested meeting up. He told me at a time he was angry with me - to hurt me I guess. I was completely shocked.

This was before xmas and we are still together. We only see each other at weekends due to out work patterns and while the weekends are okay, mid week I am a mess. I feel
completely paranoid, insecure, panicky.. I get gripped with fear that he is lying to me about not meeting her and it builds up and up until I am consumed with it and in that moment I just want to end the relationship and ease the pain/fear. I've 'ended it' several times now. and then regretted it, and then ended it again.. etc etc. I feel caught in a loop, but we can't go on like this

He went out with work at the weekend. Usually he would text on his way home but he didn't. I woke up in the middle of the night and then couldn't sleep after that - just my mind churning with images of him with another woman and completely caught up with the terror of it. I spent yesterday accusing him of stuff and screaming down the phone at home. I never used to feel like this with him, let alone behave like this. When I'm with him I believe he is telling me the truth but I can't seem to get it to stick for more than a day after the weekend. Is this a protective function against further hurt?

I don't know what to do any more, what I want, or how to make a decision. I just keep flip flipping back and forth.

Honestly? I'd end it.

He betrayed you by texting someone else and so you don't trust him.

It doesn't sound like this us a relationship that's going to last for 30 yrs, so why prolong the agony?

Is this really worth all the angst?

Fwiw I've been in a similar position although saw my boyfriend more than you and even lived with him at one point but I do understand how you're feeling.

It sounds like, like me you have a gut feeling but don't want to act on incase your wrong. You want proof one way or the other.

In my case I got the proof. It didn't make me feel any better or any worse. I just wished that I hadn't put up with it for so long.

For me now, if the trust is gone, it's gone. Whether your gut feeling is right or wrong the trust is still gone and tbh you're unlikely to get "proof" that he's not cheating. Even if he's not it will be hard to prove and you will go on for however long in this horrible constant state of unease, paranoia, hurt and anger. Is it really worth it?

I'm now 10 years on, been married and divorced but I'll say this, I've never been hurt the way that my ex hurt me since.

Trust your gut. In my own personal experience it's never been wrong.

I know I need to end it but I just
can't seem to stick to it. I feel so pathetic and confused.

Once there's no trust in a relationship, it's over. You can't live in a permanent state of anxiety wondering when he's going to get 'angry' with you again and screw around....

If you're finding it tough to make the decision to get rid of this person you can't trust then what you probably need is support.... practical, emotional, moral. Bad relationships are like any other bad habit and require a certain amount of willpower to overcome. If you organise your environment and your support network so that you don't need quite so much willpower, you can probably make it easier for yourself.

So talk to friends, tell them what you're doing and ask them support your decision. Reorganise things like your phone and FB account so that it's not so easy to get in touch. Delete accounts or phone-numbers. If you're lonely without this person, be sociable. If you feel anxious or depressed consider talking to your GP.

Good luck

Thanks Cog, that's good advice. I don't have many good friends where I live, mostly work colleagues which isn't quite the same. I need to work on that.

Going through this is just torture. My brain keeps playing tricks on me and I don't know if what I'm feeling is my gut or fear anymore.

I think that once that trust has gone, the relationship has changed irrevocably. I've been where you are now and agree that it feels as though you are going mad. You are trying to reconcile the man you knew and loved with this new information, which is that he isn't trustworthy and that he was forming a relationship, of whatever kind, with another woman.

Have you heard of cognitive dissonance? It's what you're going through. Apologies for the Wiki link:

"In psychology, cognitive dissonance is the mental stress or discomfort experienced by an individual who holds two or more contradictory beliefs, ideas, or values at the same time, or is confronted by new information that conflicts with existing beliefs, ideas, or values."

Your two contradictory beliefs are:

1. He is a faithful man
2. He has cheated on you

No wonder you are suffering.

I think the thing to do now is to take action. End the relationship, block his number etc and think about what you want to do with your life. Do you want to live in that area? Do you want to stay in that job? Do you need more friends? If so, how can you go about that?

I am so sorry you're going through this - it's truly awful.

That's exactly it.

It's also the confusing because when I talk to him I feel reassured as he takes complete responsibility for his behaviour and the upset he's caused and he hasn't tried to push it on to me. He understands why I feel the way I do and why I am so up and down and he has been tolerant of my flip flopping. He hasn't been defensive, just seems to understand why I'm so hurt and angry, accepting these are the consequences of my trust being damaged. I feel SO reassured by this at the time and I start believing I can trust him again.

And then mid-week it all starts cranking up again. I start thinking I need to end it because I feel so betrayed and threatened now, and how could he do such a thing, and that I can never let myself trust him again. I doubt everything he says to me and can just feel rising panic.

Both feelings feel 100% accurate at the time! I'm so fucked.

I think I have a whole host of conflicting belief/behaviours going on:

1. I should only stay with a man who is faithful to me

2. I don't want to to lose my boyfriend

3. I should be able to end this

4. I don't feel able to end it

5. I should be able to get over this and give him another chance

6. I feel too hurt and threatened to get over it

I feel tired

If you only feel you can trust him when he is actually with you, then you don't really trust him. So it's not 'fucked up' really. Even if you were together 24/7, there would inevitable come a point where you were apart and then you'd be back feeling hurt and angry.

The world is full of 'nice guys but....' He's a nice guy but the fatal flaw means he's not the right guy.

I know we can't be together all the time. I keep hoping that hurt and angry bit will pass eventually.

With no disrespect intended (and do correct me if I'm wrong) I think you're giving second chances and hoping that your mistrust will pass because, without him, you don't think you have a lot going for you. If he's what you do every weekend and you have no other social life besides him then losing him would mean a great big lonely gap in your life. To use an old cliché --- you've got all your eggs in one basket, and that's always a risky position to put yourself in.

I have friends I can and do arrange things with, although none of my closer friends are nearby. So I'm not totally isolated. I made a big effort not to fall into the trap of putting all my eggs in his basket when we got together and kept on seeing my friends/hobbies. Although I would prioritise seeing him on most weekends (but not all) as we didn't have any other time. The irony is he could be insecure about me having my own life!

However, emotionally all my eggs are in his basket, if that makes sense. I am 34 and hoped for a future with him. I think I stupidly still am hoping for a future with him :(

Of course you are still hoping for a future or you wouldn't be putting such pressure on yourself to forgive and move on.

Interesting that he was insecure about you having your own life. That's never a good trait in a partner. I'm not going to go so far as to say he is emotionally abusive but I'm struck that his reasons for texting the other woman.... and for telling you that he had done so .... were largely manipulative. He said he was angry with you and that's why he told you. Do you see? 'Don't make me angry again and then I won't have to go looking for other women...' is a threat.

And then you add in the little things that are not helping your peace of mind. Not texting you after the night out when he's in the habit of doing so. Perhaps your anxiety is not totally self-inflicted after all?

When you end it with him what happens? Who caves typically? You or him?

I've been the one caving since he told me about the texting. I ended it at the time and blocked him etc, but my head was going mad with 'other scenarios' so I got back in contact to ask him what had actually happened. Since then I have caved every time :(

I wonder why he told me too, if it was as meaningless as he says it was, and especially as he had already knocked it on the head. Why bother? It's like he wanted to hurt me.

I have found myself wondering if he 'likes' me being this insecure and needy. He wasn't confident at all with me being self-sufficient (I found him a bit suffocating) so I guess it isn't in his interests for things to go back to the way they were. And me asking him to stay in touch on his night out last weekend was the only time I have ever requested that, ever, and explained how much it would mean to me/help me. Normally he would be the one complaining I never text him on a night out, while he would send me passive aggressive texts saying things like "you must be too busy with other people to text me, hope youre enjoying yourself!".

I'm liking this man less and less the more I hear about him.

Yes... he told you about this other women in order to hurt you. He said as much. Now he's set up this anxiety-provoking image (and did you actually see the texts?) and he's exploiting the effect. Yes... he prefers you needy and insecure. No... he doesn't like you being confident and independent, making friends and having a healthy social life. He wants to monopolise your time and spoil your fun if you're on a night out. You may be the one caving over dumping him but he sounds like the dependent one in the arrangement.

I said I didn't want to call this emotional abuse but I think he has a nasty whiff of control about him. Using some pretty standard techniques that I hope make you very angry

You could be dating my ex from everything you have said. Organise a night out. Leave your phone at home and remind yourself who you are.

Start to take control of your life again. You don't have to end it right now if you don't feel strong enough (although I wish you would) however taking control will aid you in taking the next steps that I think you know you should.

Cog - no I didn't see the texts. That makes me feel more anxious, worrying whether they genuinely were innocent or not or if he is lying about the content. He didn't have her number in his phone either which I thought was strange. Why bother deleting the number of a girl when I never knew she existed?

However, I will say I know I was drawing back from him at the time because I felt anxious in his company. But I never got that sinking feeling of 'something suspicious is going on here'.

He always was the more dependent one. I didn't ignore it, I tried to talk about it with him thinking that was the mature approach to resolving it/finding out what he was struggling with.

I know you'll all say I need to stop analysing it and just end it - but I don't seem to be built that way. I like to understand how and why things happen.

TookaLittle - thank you. I know I need to go back to being 'me', regardless of him. I think I will eventually...!

Is it possible he's lying about these messages purely to fuel an insecurity in you?

You actually have nothing but his word and you've already said you wonder if he likes you this way. If you're at home constantly worrying about him he doesn't need to worry about you IYSWIM

TookaLittle - that just made my brain melt. We have had about a million conversations about it since it happened. He came over to London (we both live in another country) as we were spending new years eve with my brother and sister and he was terrified of seeing them and facing what they thought of him. Would a person be terrified (to the point he shed a tear!) if deep down they knew they'd made it up?

I have felt like aspects of it don't add up though. No so much in a suspicious way, more like a head scratching way.

Oh blimey. I'm sitting at my desk like this Like seriously, surely saying he made it up would be easier than weeks and weeks of this shit?

Well yes he probably would be equally as scared because as far as everyone else is concerned it's still the truth.

My ex used to do things like this. Bizarrely to try and cast a good light on himself. Like a "I could have done it because I was angry at you (putting blame to you) but didn't because I'm just a good guy like that".

I'm not saying it is the case but it's a way of making you insecure but he physically hasn't done anything wrong because he loves you enough to not go through with it.

He would probably think it unlikely you would end things over a few texts when he's claiming to have turned the girl down but it would be enough to plant the seed of doubt. Most controlling people want their partners to worry because that's what gives them control.

Sorry I should say the "because he loves you enough to not go through with it" is how he would want you to look at it.

I definitely don't think he realised he would damage my trust to the extent it has when he told me about it, whether it's true or not.

He kept saying "but doesn't it count for anything that I didn't meet her?" and I said not really as it was the lies, deceit and betrayal that I was struggling with the most.

It really is a way of controlling someone isnt it? With "I didn't do it THIS TIME (but I'm capable of it and you should know it)" being the message underneath.

But say he is making it up, would he really continue it for nearly 2 months. I have chewed the ear off him for since the beginning of Dec. Okay yes, he's got more sex and attention of me, but he's also been on the receiving end of a LOT of anger and hurt from me. He's seen the devastating impact it's had on me (and still is).