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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this weird???

29 replies

Fearless91 · 26/01/2015 17:33

I had a strange feeling about my boyfriend and his phone last week so unfortunately I snooped. I didn't find anything 'bad' but I did come across something that doesn't sit right.

Basically, he's been talking to his best mates ex and asking to go visit her.

Those two have been split up for about 3 years and she now lives in london with a new guy and seems very happy. My boyfriend was never close friends with her however they've known each other for 10 years but only saw each other when they were all together with my boyfriends mate.

The texts started with my boyfriend saying he was in london which reminded him of her. They got chatting innocently and he started suggesting they meet up for a catch up. From the texts I could tell she isn't interested and was avoiding giving an answer. Three days later he text her happy birthday. She replied to which he then asked when he could go see her. Once again she ignored it and hasn't sent anything back.

Not only that, but I noticed on his facebook he's searched her and looked at her profile a few times.

Now our relationship is very happy, he treats me well and makes me feel loved and cared for etc. We've spoken about the future and he's very much just as involved as I am. I honestly do not believe he would cheat on me..

So why this?!
They we're never close friends, they haven't kept in touch for 3 years.

Is it normal to suddenly start texting your best friends ex after 3 years asking for a catch up and wanting to go visit her and regularly checking her facebook? And also not mentioning anything to your girlfriend...?

OP posts:
1Q · 26/01/2015 17:36

He is exploring.

ImperialBlether · 26/01/2015 17:40

He was up for it and she wasn't. He really underestimated her, didn't he? First he thought she'd be interested in him anyway and secondly he thought she'd cheat on her boyfriend.

Bin him.

Bluestocking · 26/01/2015 17:41

It's not weird - he's looking at his options. Which is not OK, if you thought the two of you were "exclusive".

Original poster
Fearless91 · 26/01/2015 17:43

But I genuinely don't think he is. We've been together over two years.

He's always showing me he loves me. He's always spoiling me, he's always talking about our future.

He's happy to see me every night, I've practically moved in (even though he still lives at home) which he's happy with.

Honestly, I couldn't ask to be treated any better. Which is why all this confuses the hell out of me. Because it's so against him as a person.

I'm not saying he expected her to cheat, He hasn't said anything suggestive towards her. I just don't think she's interested in catching up because she doesn't see the point.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 26/01/2015 17:45

I'd tell him that an ex of an old school mate has got in touch and fancies meeting up with you in X for a coffee, says he's been thinking about you recently... so you're meeting him there next Thursday.

(When was he intending on staying with her? Surely you'd notice that he wasn't in bed with you??).

Original poster
Fearless91 · 26/01/2015 17:48

I don't know when he planned on going. He was asking her "when can I come see you?". But she wasn't answering. It won't happen because she doesn't care about meeting up.

However, the fact he's even done this DOES matter.

I can bet my life on the fact his best friend doesn't know.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fearless91 · 26/01/2015 17:54

Also, when they were innocently catching up over text he told her he was still with me.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 26/01/2015 17:55

OP, I've been in your shoes when I have stared the evidence in the eye and said it meant something else. It's because you love him, you trust him and this experience you've just had doesn't tie in with anything you know of him.

However, the fact is that he has been approaching this woman, wanting to meet her, despite her giving him no encouragement. He didn't say to you, "Why don't we go down to London for the day and meet up with Lady Friend?" That would have been normal. Instead he's slyly approaching her without telling you - it sounds as though she wishes he'd piss off, to be honest.

Your boyfriend isn't the man you thought he was and that is always a terrible shock.

Clobbered · 26/01/2015 17:57

I wonder what gave you the 'strange feeling'? Something made you snoop, and you didn't like what you found. You didn't trust him 100% and hey, turns out you were right.

BerylStreep · 26/01/2015 17:58

It was a booty call. He is chancing his arm.

GlitteryLipgloss · 26/01/2015 18:35

OP save yourself further heartbreak and ask him what he is up to. Then end it. don't be taken for a mug.

maras2 · 26/01/2015 19:20

fearless Live up to your name and call him on it.How will you know if he's lying? His lips will be moving.Seriously though,he's a player.

carlywurly · 26/01/2015 19:24

Yes. It's weird. I'm so sorry. Please don't sweep this under the carpet.

redredholly · 26/01/2015 19:24

Hi OP - I'm older than you I think (re. bf still lives at home comment). This guy isn't as into you as he seems. I'm sorry - you will find someone who is. He will put himself in funny situations until he finds someone he prefers, at which point he will leave (or just shag them in secret). Call his bluff -- tell him your worst worries and leave. If he really loves you he will change things up and ask you out again.

Original poster
Fearless91 · 26/01/2015 19:35

Thanks for all the replies :)

It's hard because I 99.9% believe he wouldn't cheat on me, going off everything he says and does. However I don't think you can ever know somebody 100%.

I'm 24 he's 26. We've been together two years and he persisted for 1 year "proving" to me how serious he was. And as I say, he treats me amazingly and makes sure I'm okay and feel loved etc.

Before me he was all up for spending his weekends drunk with friends etc but he's moved back home to save up for a house together.

He's not a baby and as an adult knows boundaries but This is however his first proper relationship and before we've had 1 issue regarding him not knowing what is/isn't okay. Not cheating wise, just with respecting me.

OP posts:
redredholly · 26/01/2015 19:38

Ok well you could just try telling him not to do it and give him one chance to learn. I had a very naive boyfriend who would stare at other women when we were out, not to catch their eye but rather as if stunned by their beauty!! I told him to bloody well stop it and he mostly did. He was pretty weird tbh

Joysmum · 26/01/2015 19:46

So what do you think it's about then?

Why did you feel the urge to snoop?

Fontella · 26/01/2015 19:55

I 99.9% believe he wouldn't cheat on me, going off everything he says and does.

You and million other women who thought exactly the same about their husbands and partners, only to find out they were 99.9% wrong!

He's obviously got a thing for her ... he's searched her, he's texted her, trying to get her to meet up and hasn't told you about it ... why do you think that is? To play tiddlywinks?

The only reason it hasn't happened is because she's not interested.

Vivacia · 26/01/2015 19:56

This forum is full of examples of partners who were reliable, loving, committed family men of many years... who still managed to have affairs. Some men just seem to think they are entitled to a mistress as well as a wife.

RubbishMantra · 26/01/2015 19:56

What was the 1 issue you had regarding him respecting you OP?

And what do you mean by "persisting and proving" how serious he was?

Spidey senses are there for a reason.

axolotl209 · 26/01/2015 19:58

I'm really surprised at the responses on this thread!

I may be totally wrong, of course, but I personally would not feel worried by this. I sometimes have the urge to meet up with people I haven't seen in a long time, even if I didn't know them all that well at the time, just as a matter of curiosity. I also often look up people on Facebook, of all genders, just out of interest in what they might be doing now. I have never had even the slightest inclination to cheat on my partner; it's entirely a curiosity thing and nothing remotely sexual.

To be honest, I even look up my ex a fair bit to see how his life is, and I hated the guy and have NO desire to ever see him again. Just curious as to how much he's fucking up now! (I'm horrible.)

I can see that some people would look at my spying on people as dodgy, but I know it's not (maybe questionable in some senses, but certainly has no bearing on my relationship with my partner), and I know my partner would think nothing of it. Similarly, he often meets up with people from his past, men and women, sometimes exes, and it does not bother me because I trust him and feel confident he wants to be with me. I could be wrong, but I do trust him (even as a person with a huge tendency to be paranoid).

I think, without knowing any of the rest of this story, there is nothing here that would make me suspicious, and it sounds like you at least don't feel totally certain that this is suspicious. He's told her he's with you - what makes it anything more than him just catching up with someone from his past?

If anything I think the argument that you should ask him how he would feel if you were meeting up with a friend's ex boyfriend just makes the point that it's not anything to worry about (per se, I'm not saying there couldn't be other things that could be concerning you). Wouldn't you think it was weird if you wanted to meet up with a man you used to know and he was upset and said you couldn't go??

I don't know, maybe I'm just naive, but I wouldn't be suspicious of this. Maybe it's more common in people who grew up with Facebook and so are more prone to stalk on it? I'm also 24 and I wouldn't find it weird.

axolotl209 · 26/01/2015 20:00

Wanted to add: he has seen me doing it, so I know he thinks nothing of it; I'm not assuming anything!

RubbishMantra · 26/01/2015 20:11

I've never had a friendface facebook account, don't have any truck with it.

However, if anything my partner did made me feel uncomfy, or vice versa, then better to broach the subject, rather than stew on it. Clear the air.

That he hasn't chatted about "hey, guess who I'm meeting/planning to meet up with next week!" and kept it schtumm is probably what's set the old spidey senses off.

findingherfeet · 26/01/2015 20:23

If you genuinely didn't think he would cheat, you wouldn't have posted this..

It is weird.

Twinklestein · 26/01/2015 20:50

You're both very young, you've only been together a couple of years, you really have no idea if he's likely to cheat and he probably doesn't either.

He may not have been thinking of cheating, he may have been thinking of ditching you and moving onto her.

If he had to persist for a year to get you, he may be someone who likes the chase and misses it.