I'm scared. How best to start divorce proceedings against a very troubled man?

[MiscellaneousAssortment]

I need to make it official, it's causing problems for me to not do it.

But I'm scared of poking the hornets nest.

When you write the reasons... I'm worried. I don't want to lie and not say how bad it was, but if I write the real reasons I think he will flip and refuse to spite me.

How can I start divorce without it being seen as a declaration of war?

so what if he does 'refuse'? He doesn't have to agree, unless you are relying on separation with consent.

the best approach however, is to write as little as you can get away with. Enough to persuade the court; not so much that you make your STBX unnecessarily upset and angry.

What about a free half hour with a solicitor? It might be an idea to ring Women's Aid for advice in this situation too. It sounds like you're rather scared of him.

Yes I am scared of him - he is an unstable man who I've got out of my life after a huge struggle. I am in a very precarious situation and although I need to get ties completely, I can't cope with a renewal of him anywhere near me.

Doing the first step towards divorce feels like giving him back some power over me.

So even if he disagrees, I can still divorce him? Without taking him to court?

Cut ties, not get ties...

When my husband divorced me for unreasonable behaviour (lying twat had an affair but that's another story) he wrote three pages of utter rubbish about why I was unreasonable!

I cried when I read it, showed a solicitor friend who said the judge would just shake his head.

One paragraph would have sufficed apparently, and he made himself look an idiot.

I say keep it short and simple and get it checked by sols maybe.

Another one encouraging you to get legal advice and to keep the description of 'irretrievable breakdown' to something shortish. You sound like you're anticipating him being uncooperative or even hostile. Do make sure you a) tell the solicitor the full story and b) keep your personal safety uppermost

I used to write divorce petitions - here are a few standard phrases.

" The respondent was cold and unloving towards me " + examples ( 2 is probably enough)
"The respondent frequently/constantly belittled/ humiliated me" + examples
" The respondent was controlling" + examples.

I'm assuming that violence wasn't part of the breakdown, but if it was, then include reference to it.

Violence was yes. Emotional, financial, sexual and finally physical abuse.

I think he'd freak out at it being 'on record' that he did it though, and come out fighting wanting to hurt me in whatever ways he can because of a perceived slight on his reputation.

But if I downplay it that could go against me in the future.

Can I get a divorce without sorting out about ds? As this will be a big battle.

Can we get divorced and not address it, and deal with it later as a separate issue?

It's probably best to be completely honest with your solicitor and take their advice on how best to proceed. Would otherwise personally leave any loose ends with someone who is described as violent and volatile. Especially not where children are concerned

Otherwise? I meant 'not'. Don't leave anything to chance

Was the abuse ever reported to the police, GP or other authority?

I told my gp, who reported it to SS as ds was under 12 months.

I was terrified, I was also becoming disabled at the time and h was my only carer (though he used that to abuse me more by withholding food/ help etc). It was a terrifying time, I couldn't stand up, walk, wash myself. All my energies went into being hyper vigilant to protect my baby.

I told them about my illness and explained I didn't want to be with him but I was physically unable to function without help, and didn't know how I would be able to function. It was ignored. I was told women often came up with that kind of thing but it was emotional conditioning and of course I'd manage without him fine. No help offered. They didn't even tell me that adult social care could provide help.

Anyway, I'm not proud but after that him & me played the perfect act of 'it will never happen again' to get the case closed.

The last thing the sw said was if I reported any violence to the police or gp, or if a neighbour reported it, they would not be so 'lenient' and that sw personally could and would take children into care in that situation and had done so in the past. I took the hint and never dared report again.

It was a year later that I finally managed to get adult ss to take me seriously and get carers. The day I got carers in place was the day I could finally get h out of our lives.

Sorry im deviating from the point. I am still terribly upset that I asked for help and was forced to rely on an abuser to be able to survive.

Sorry you met one shitty social worker acting as judge and jury. If you'd reported him to the police, no way would your children have been removed. Glad you've since got access to care.

Do tell all of this to your solicitor. It's very relevant

So does access to ds have to be part of the divorce?

I know I have to get a solictor for ds, but hoped I could do a quicker divorce to get that bit over first.

Can you separate it like that or will a battle over ds be just part of a 'messy divorce'

It will all be settled at the same time. You don't have to deal or communicate with him at all though - that's what the solicitor is for.

He doesn't have to agree. You just divorce him for unreasonable behaviour - you obviously have plenty of reasons. He can say he doesn't agree with all the detail, who gives a shit, but he is VERY unlikely to actually contest it. To contest a divorce petition he would have to prove that your marriage has not broken down. He will not be able to do this and it costs thousands to attempt it.

Just get it over with

Oh dear, it could take years in that case :(

I don't havd the emotional or physical stamina to deal with a long drawn out fight... Or any money to pay for a solictor.

And I have to decide what to do about ds access. I don't think he should be in sole charge of ds. But I have little actual hard evidence of this, just loads of unprovable anecdotes. And I'm not sure what course of action to take, before even thinking about probability and evidence etc.

I was hoping that divorce could be, well, divorced from child access arrangements...

I saw one left on a colligues desk once that just said "I can not be reasonably expected to live with him given his behaviour" never asked what he did.

Why do you think it will be long and drawn out? Don't forget it will cost him just as much, if not more than you if he does this. Is he very wealthy and can afford this easily? More likely you instigate proceedings, he huffs and puffs and then signs and jobs a good un. Do you have loads of assets to divide up?

What are the contact arrangements right now? Are they working? Is he in sole charge of DS during contact and has something happened?

I think you need to take proper advice rather than asking here or making assumptions and getting put off before you've even started. If you don't raise the subject of access as part of a divorce, is he likely to bring it up?

Can I recommend you buy Family Law Made Simple which is a good book all about divorce, common assumptions which are wrong, practical advice, navigating the legal system. Also check out 'Wikivorce' for assistance with the form filling.

In order to get divorce, you will need to make arrangements for any children of the marriage. If he's a controlling arse in the marriage, then I'm afraid, their behaviour gets worse during the divorce. and it is stressful (well I'm finding it stressful!) but it doesn't have to be.

Divorce can be as quick as four months, but it's the Financial/Child Arrangements that can mean it gets dragged out for a long time. However, as the petitioner, you control the timetable, so theoretically, you could be divorced by the end of the summer and then deal with the other applications (which he can bring, making you the respondent) after you've ended the marriage.

No assets, so that should be ok. He's never paid towards his son and I'm not going to chase it as I know he won't and it's not worth making myself ill about that.

Childcare is going to be tough. He's not safe. But not sure what to do about that or indeed how to prove it.

I facilitated contact until feb/ March last year (more fool me). It had to be in my home to keep ds safe, but as he trashed my house/ stole money/ stopped carers from helping me/ let himself in whenever he wanted, it came at great personal cost to me, and made my home less of a home. Unreliable and when here often would ignore ds and upset him a lot in that way.

In February/ March ish last year he became homeless (gambling and mh), he disclosed he was up on rape charges (crown didn't prosecute due to lack of evidence), & he ran up more debts in my name. He became very scary and out of control, and I refused to have him in the house or near me & ds again. He agreed. I think he was scaring himself. Final straw was he scared me AND ds and I took us both into he bedroom and locked the door til he went. Saw fear in my child's eyes. Never again.

Then in sept he phoned up wanting contact, & I said ok but things will be different and he had to meet me first and agree a set of behavioral rules. And he wouldn't be allowed in or near our home. So it didn't happen and in nov he called my parents home and screamed / lost it down the phone at my mother (whilst I was v ill in hospital). Shouting the odds about how I'm keeping ds from him, he has rights blah blah. Nothing about ds himself of course.

In the past:

He neglected ds and put him in unsafe situations on multiple occasions. But this is just my accounts of stuff not documented or witnessed. I was always there or a carer was to stop him trashing the house and intervene to make sure ds was ok. In some ways it could be argued it's better now as ds is older and less reliant on adults to keep him safe (he's almost 5). Obviously I don't feel this way but most examples are from when he was a baby/ toddler.

He is so self focused he won't notice / listen/ react/ care what ds is saying/ crying/ reacting to, eg rough play carries on when ds becomes scared and hurt.

He has threatened to take ds to his Arabic home country. I don't think he could but clearly no chances should be taken.

But he's charming and could put on a good show to get through limited supervised contact and that's what scares me.

I believe he has undiagnosed PTSD (as well as being nasty), which makes him volatile and unable to control himself in any remotely stressful situation. This is what I need to get across in court re ds.

I had buried this thought but once he was dreaming and woke up to find himself with arm round my neck, strangling me. He had terrifying dreams all the time.

And a really disturbing sleep thing that happens which is hard to explain unless you see it. He can't keep conscious when stressed and will fall into an unresponsive very wrong type of sleep... At a moments notice. Including when he's in sole charge of ds. He once fell into that awful type of unconsciousness whilst holding the baby. He dropped the young baby on the floor and didn't wake up at all, not even to the screams and to me running in and panicking.

He will lash out when woken suddenly from this deep not normal 'sleep'. If he's tired his speech slurs and he's not capable of pulling himself together, and again gets aggressive when I tried to make him stay awake (to do perfectly normal things or essential stuff). He can't self regulate at all, will go without food or rest for days even when he knows he needs to do somethkng vital he'll get himself into a non functioning state.

And he's incapable of putting anyone's needs above his own in those situations. Ds got left unattended/ unfed/ unclothed/ dirty nappies/ hungry etc. he refused to even stay awake for a second when ds was v ill and I found him (in h care, of course) floppy and unresponsive. I got urgent medical help and he didn't even stay awake. He just couldn't give a shit/ rouse himself even in an emergency situation. Ds ended up in hospital for the whole day, (meningitis scare) he didn't even ring my mob to find out what was happening.

Then add on the abuse to me... And this is why I'm scared.

Never put that all down in one place before. It sounds bad. I blame myself for not getting out earlier. Please don't say it too. I know.

Hello love, it's only when we get out to the other side that we look back at ask 'why on earth did we put up with that?', it doesn't change the fact that we did because we believed in loyalty, commitment and supporting others. These are not criminal offences, in fact these are qualities in people who have decent values. So stop blaming yourself, and start congratulating yourself for getting out.

In reality, as far as I'm aware, the child has a right to spend time with both parents - so given your concerns you will want to be thinking about 'supervised' contact in a contact centre first of all. It's not just what he says that is monitored, but his behaviour too. Get yourself down to the CAB for more information.

You say you don't know how to prove it, but if there were carer's witnessing it, you can easily prove this. If you've had SS involvement - there's your evidence. IF, and that's only IF, he takes you to court for contact, then you'll get a CAFCASS report ordered (most likely) to whom you can discuss your concerns.

Can I ask you, if you haven't already, to contact Women's Aid? Also Rightsofwomen.org.uk. These organisations are experts at helping women coming out of traumatic relationships. It will only cost you a phone call.

If you are asset free then there won't be any Financial action to take. You can apply to CSM, I think it's called, to chase him for some income support, but that depends on whether he has a job.

You don't need to poke the Hornet's nest yet, but I'd strongly recommend you talk to the organisations I've mentioned here so that if you decide to divorce, you are fully aware of what that involves, how to cope, and make sure you can access support. Good luck.