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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Can she do this?

69 replies

Prforone · 26/01/2015 12:12

My DP and his wife have been separated now for four years.

He recently received a letter from a debt collector's in relation to some private medical treatment their DS received some time last year. DP was aware of the DS having this treatment; however, his "D"W at the time assured him it was covered on her private medical insurance. It wasn't, and he has now received this letter demanding immediate payment. It was addressed to him at their previous marital home (where she still lives) but has come to him because he has a mail redirection service set up.

DP will settle this as it relates to his DS but there is a concern that she did this on purpose. I should point out she has a history of accruing debts for which he somehow becomes liable as it is recorded that he is still the homeowner. Having his mail redirected, she cleverly does this knowing he'll get notification from a debt collector in time when she doesn't pay up.

What can he do to stop this happening? Is there such a thing as "official separation" that he can get legally documented without her consent? She refuses to divorce him on the grounds she can't afford it (even though she can); the reality is she would have to give up their lovely (big) marital home and will lose out on this clever way of screwing him over money-wise.

Any advice greatly received.

OP posts:

IrianofWay · 26/01/2015 15:16

"I think DP wants the wife to be accountable for her actions (she was the cause of the marriage breakdown), therefore not keen on a "no-fault" divorce"

That sounds like cutting off your nose to spite your face to me. Does it really matter as long as the divorce happens and this sort of situation doesn't arise again. And OT a bit I suppose but I don't beleive that any marriage breakdown is 100% the fault of any one party,

babbityann · 26/01/2015 15:40

Does he want a divorce?
It doesn't sound like.
A 14 year cannot be kept away from his parent unless the court orders it.
This story does not add up!

tryingtofindausername · 26/01/2015 16:28

What country are you in OP? That makes a difference.

If UK, then your DPs tales do not add up at all.

Divorce - if both agree then you can divorce easily after separating for two years. Only if both don't agree then it's 5 years. You say it's your DP holding this up, he is the one refusing the divorce? Weird. And pointless. And way too much baggage?
Desertion can be used in contested divorces after 2.5 years (and leaving to end the relationship counts as desertion. It doesn't mean leaving someone homeless/penniless etc).

Your DP doesn't seem to want to be divorced.

Separations - legal/official separations are totally pointless, are not necessary for anything for a separated couple getting divorced. Usually used when couple are not ever going to get divorced (religion? being a Royal?) and want to lay out a few ground rules on finances/conduct. Separations don't have to be registered anywhere. You don't live together any more - you are separated.

Access
There's no way she can realistically prevent access with a 14 year old if 14 year old wants access. No way at all.

Debts - no one has any responsibility whatsoever for any debts in any ones else's name. Married/not married, living together/not living together, makes no difference at all. The only person who is liable for any debt is the person who signed the contract/agreement that led to the debt. that doesn't mean debt collectors might not try it on a bit. Would he pay a neighbours? Would he pay some random strangers? I don't believe for one second he thinks he is legally liable for any of these. If he didn't sign the hospital contract for son's treatment, he isn't liable for that either. If he did, then he is.

Sorry - I think there is a lot more to this than meets the eye. For some reason your DP is paying off debts he doesn't owe for his ex's sake, and is refusing to get divorced, and is making stupid excuses to you to explain why.

1charlie1 · 26/01/2015 23:30

Forgive me if this isn't relevant, but are you sure your DH is actually meant to pay the bill? With my insurance, I would either pay upfront and then send the invoice to my insurance company who would issue me a
cheque, or I would present my insurance card at the surgery and an automatic amount would be recovered from the insurance company, usually with a small balance to come out of my own pocket. Less usually, no money exchanges hands on the day and I sought it out with my insurance once I've been invoiced - could this be the scenario here? Has your DH actually asked her what she intends him to do with the bill?

1charlie1 · 26/01/2015 23:31

sort it out!

1charlie1 · 26/01/2015 23:33

Apologies, he's obviously your DH, not DH.

1charlie1 · 26/01/2015 23:36

Apologies, he's obviously your DP not your DH.

Joysmum · 26/01/2015 23:58

Is he liable for the debt, did he sign anything? Have the hospital been in touch re payment? If the first he heard of any of this the debt collection agency?

Proper process means doing utmost to collect a debt without wading straight in with a debt collection agency. I find it strange that the first he hears of this is through a debt collection agency letter.

Original poster

Prforone · 27/01/2015 00:48

You know, I'm very grateful for all the constructive advice I've been given on this. But this topic may as well end here because the back story to DP and his wife's relationship is not something I want to divulge on here (and I totally agree that I have "opened a can of worms" here of my own doing).

Suffice to say, I know the barriers DP is up against where his wife is concerned. What I thought was going to be a simple question has escalated into an inquisition into DP's honesty and intentions towards me, with assumptions that I'm some sort of witch towards DP's DS (probably my fault for not going into more detail as to our situation).

What I can take away from this discussion is that legal separation is of no benefit in the long run. Also that DP shouldn't be threatened by his wife that he won't see his DS if he proceeds with divorce - which backs up my views on that.

So thank you all for your brutal honesty - I will take heed of the advice given and in future stick to participating in the sunny, funny threads on here!

OP posts:

TendonQueen · 27/01/2015 01:01

Sorry you feel that way OP, but it has been a confusing story. To get the bill sent to him, your DP must have signed something at the hospital. Or his ex has told them he'd agreed to pay and given his details, in which case he tells them they have been misled and they will have to back to their original point of contact, her. If he's signed something to say he would pay or is liable, then that's another kettle of fish.

Agree that if his DS is 14, threats about withholding contact have little validity. Time to toughen up and go to court if things get difficult.

Original poster

Prforone · 27/01/2015 01:22

Okay, last clarification. The bill wasn't sent to him directly - it was addressed to him at their once-shared marital home and he has a post redirection service in place. I'm reckoning on forms being filled out at the hospital with his name being put as parent/guardian (which is obviously true). What he was told by his wife was that her (non-existent) private medical insurance was footing the bill.

Again, thanks for all the advice.

OP posts:

loiner45 · 27/01/2015 02:51

I've recently signed some forms for a private consultation for my dd - it's very clear on the form that what is being signed for is liability for the fees - My ex's name is nowhere on the forms because I've arranged the consultation and I'm paying. I find it hard to imagine how his name has appeared on the bill at all to be honest.

babbityann · 27/01/2015 08:31

This sure is a eclliar senario OP and therefore difficult to advice.
Forgive me for thinking that perhaps you are his mistress as his wife is still his wife?
Odd and strange, but I guess we'll never know!

babbityann · 27/01/2015 08:32

'peculiar', that is.

tryingtofindausername · 27/01/2015 11:21

Hi OP, sorry you felt we were a bit rough on you. We were, I suppose.

Perfectly understand if you don't want to get into all the personal background, but then everyone can only comment on what they see.

Glad you are taking something from this, some basic facts, because your DP is either spinning you a bit of a line or has become too involved with ex-relationship politics and is falling for a few things himself.

Just to clarify again, as if this is all you take from the thread it'll help

Legal separation is meaningless
Ex can threaten all she likes but she seriously won't be able to prevent contact with a 14 year old if the 14 year old wants contact. She can be an awkward moo about it, so what.
If you haven't personally signed a contract or agreement making you personally liable for a fee or debt, then it's nothing to do with you. I get loads of debt chasing letters at my flat, some addressed to 'the occupant'. They are debts run up by previous tenants. They go in the bin. Your DPs ex's debts are no more to do with him than that.

babbityann · 27/01/2015 11:30

May I suggest that you take this thread to Mumsnet's Off The Beaten Track section. As it is a protected page and therefore confidential. You can give more details there and maybe get the help you need.
(think you contact Mumsnet HQ to get on it-not sure)

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 27/01/2015 12:57

Anyone can post in OTBT, or read it, the difference is that you can't google search it and it doesn't come up in most active, it is definitely not confidential.

babbityann · 27/01/2015 13:01

Oh...so what's the point of it then?

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 27/01/2015 14:36

It is more discreet than the rest of MN, as in you have to seek it out, you don't stumble on it by mistake. I think the threads are deleted after a certain time too, like Chat. But anyone can see them, you don't have to be logged in. So, on the one hand you are less likely to get a pile in of loads of people from most active, or be found by a suspicious ex-wife or whatever, but on the other hand you might not get much help either as relatively few people look there.

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