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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I over reacting and being unreasonable

37 replies

Allinuse · 26/01/2015 07:52

Please someone tell me if I'm being unreasonable or over analysing here.
I thought I had a good relationship with my Bf of almost a year. We are both in our mid forties and do not live together. We get on well, enjoy each other's company and I thought at last I'd found someone after a very difficult few years

There have been a few things bothering me however. I feel he drinks quite a bit. He rarely goes a day without a couple of beers in the evening and always has glass or two of wine with evening meal. I Rarely drink so am not sure what to measure this by. He goes out with a friend every few months and gets really drunk, it's difficult to say how bad because I don't see him I just hear him as he calls me when he gets home. Then last weekend he went to his brothers house for the afternoon and evening and when I called him after work as he asked me to do he didn't pick the phone up

There might be some issues from my previous relationship coming into play here but I felt sick, this is the first time in a year that he hasn't picked up on me. I rang his house phone and when I got to speak to him he was slurring his words and it was obvious he was worse for wear and he'd fallen asleep. I don't know why but I felt really pissed off, I'm finding it hard to evaluate my own reaction really. We didn't have a massive row but it was obvious I was pissed off and I did say I wouldn't be ringing him again after work he would have to ring me.

In a nutshell I suppose I feel let down that he might not be the long term prospect I had hoped even though he's a lovely person and I do love him. I'm concerned he may have a big drink problem and I'm scared he's becoming unreliable although up until this incident he's been reliable to a fault.Prior to this I would have liked us to discuss living together now I'm wondering if he's avoiding that because then he may have to curtail drinking or if he's hiding something.

OP posts:

marriednotdead · 26/01/2015 08:12

Whether or not he has a drink problem is as yet unclear to you, although as a biased outsider it seems quite likely.

However, YOU are uncomfortable with his drinking habits already, and it's your own perspective that will make this increasingly miserable to live with. You've answered your own question at the beginning of your second paragraph.

You say there have been a few things bothering you. Listen to that inner voice!
He's not the right man for you, please don't try to make him fit into the slot you've allocated for him.

Original poster

Allinuse · 26/01/2015 08:19

The thing is I do love him and surely there is no such thing as the perfect man/person/relationship. He treats me well and we seem to have lots in common. It's this one issue that worries me. I don't think I would try to fit fit someone into a slot exactly but I do believe you have to make some compromises, nothing is perfect.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 26/01/2015 08:26

ah well, keep talking yourself into ignoring your perfectly good instincts

in a couple of years time you might get to repent at leisure when you realise you have shacked up with Mr Nearly Right who drags you down with his drinking habits/unreliability

the relationships board is ten a penny with those

marriednotdead · 26/01/2015 08:27

You asked the question...
Loving someone will not make up for the years of heartache caused by issues that you chose to overlook in the early days. Been there, done that.

I read a brilliant quote the other day.

Better to be on the shelf than in the wrong cupboard.

Original poster

Allinuse · 26/01/2015 08:33

I'm not talking myself into anything or trying to ignore anything but I've never been the type to make snap decisions. I'm more the think it through from all angles, over analytic type of person. But I'm not stupid and I don't bury my head in the sand or I wouldn't be having this discussion. Truth is he has always been reliable in every way up until this incident of not picking up phone immediately. I do have a tendancy to over think which is why I'm asking for over people's opinions

I'm also feeling quite upset because we've had a wonderful year together and shared many things so naturally I'd be upset if it's falling apart. So I find your reply a bit harsh anyfucker

OP posts:

Ragwort · 26/01/2015 08:35

If you are not happy with him then ........... you are not happy with him.

It doesn't matter whether anyone else thinks he drinks a lot (DH and I are 'heavy' drinkers by your standards but we are both comfortable with that ) and I think endless phoning/contacting each other is a bit teenagerish.

But - what is important is how you feel and if the relationship doesn't make you happy and you feel you are 'compromising' too much then as marrie says, 'better to be on the shelf than in the wrong cupboard'.

Both DH and I compromise a fair bit in our relationship, but we are both happy with the 'level' of compromising IYSWIM - hard to explain. .

Ragwort · 26/01/2015 08:38

Perhaps you are over analysing the fact that 'he didn't pick the phone up' - was he asleep, having dinner, in the toilet, engrossed in a tv show, having a chat with his brother, doing some DIY - there are surely lots of genuine reasons why you don't answer a phone immediately?

Is it just the fact that he didn't pick up the phone that is bothering you .

I can remember the angst over phone calls when I was 17 - that God that was before texting and mobiles .

AnyFucker · 26/01/2015 08:44

harsh or not, if you are a person that considers things from all angles (as you say) it's just an angle and if what I said doesn't apply then dismiss it as such

tigermoll · 26/01/2015 08:44

I think the picking up the phone thing is a red herring - you said when he answered the landline, it was obvious 'he'd fallen asleep'. So you called his mobile first and it either wasn't loud enough to wake him or he didn't get to it in time, but he did then answer the landline. Let that one go. (BTW, sometimes I choose not to answer my phone if it's not convenient. A late night call from a partner when I was asleep might very well be one of those times.)

Original poster

Allinuse · 26/01/2015 08:50

Ok I think perhaps i haven't explained this very well. I have been very very happy with him, perhaps that's why I'm scared of it failing. I had a vile emotionally abusive relationship previously and my god this is total opposite. He's a lovely man and everyone whose met him thinks so too. We don't constantly phone/ text, we only speak on the phone on the days we don't see eachother roughly twice a week.

ragwort I get what your saying about the level of compromise between people and it's always been an even field between us I believe. Actually he probably compromises a bit more than me if I'm honest.

I'm finding it hard to work out WHY I'm feeling like this. He didn't answer the phone because he'd had too much to drink and had fallen asleep. What the hell is wrong with me feeling so pissed off over that? I'm feeling insecure and I don't really know why. I'm also struggling because although he is making long term plans for holidays and things to do together I would like Him to raise the subject of living together

OP posts:

Ragwort · 26/01/2015 09:03

Well, there's obviously a bit more to it now that you have mentioned you would like him to raise the subject of living together.

Do you really want to live with him or just have a partner to live with?

Will the drinking be an issue if you live together? To be honest if you are both in your mid 40s isn't it enough to just enjoy 'dating' rather than all the many compromises that will be needed if you live together.

Why don't you suggest it and see what he says?

Quitelikely · 26/01/2015 09:09

Does he drink every single day of the year then?

wallypops · 26/01/2015 09:16

Drinking is a pretty serious elephant in the room to be honest. I made the mistake of thinking it wasn't and I'm still repenting at leisure 12 years and one divorce later. People are very very rarely improved by alcohol. Mostly people are very dull when drunk if you are sober. A

Original poster

Allinuse · 26/01/2015 09:41

He has one or two nights a week alcohol free although actually he still has a glass of wine with his meal even then

I know ther do have to be compromises when you live together but to I don't want a long term relationship where you are only half together. It also makes financial sense and eventually I would like a full commitment.

OP posts:

Original poster

Allinuse · 26/01/2015 09:44

Ragwort I think it's both, yes I want a partner to live with but I feel we could make a go of it as we get on very well. We spend a lot of time together and it's very relaxed.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/01/2015 09:48

There are two sides to this.... 1. Does he drink too much? and 2. Is his behaviour acceptable, drink or no drink?

You can work out fairly easy if someone drinks too much by checking something like the Drinkaware website where they have handy guides entitled 'Am I drinking too much?'. Whether his behaviour and attitude are acceptable to you as part and parcel of the package that is him is entirely subjective.

Original poster

Allinuse · 26/01/2015 09:57

I'm fairly sure he drinks over the recommended amount. During the week he's not drunk he just has glass wine with meal and maximum two cans beer. I've seen him very tipsy twice and his behaviour has been fine, still aimiable and pleasant. This latest incident was the worst lve heard him sound and it's difficult to tell precisely how drunk he was as it was only over the phone.

I suppose I struggle with understanding why he would want to get like that at all. He's not a teenager. I think I'm scared im starting to seethe real him and there might be worse to come. I'm frightened of being let down because I love him and I've had a lot of disappointment previously

OP posts:

dirtybadger · 26/01/2015 10:02

Yes you're over reacting to him not taking a call one night after too much to drink. No you're not over reacting about his overall drinking, the wider context.
I'm quite a drinker, actually, but wouldn't want to be with someone who drank every day or almost every day. Alcohol is a good crutch. Don't underestimate his psychological dependence (perhaps not physiological)- you can't change his drinking habits.

Whereisegg · 26/01/2015 10:04

He doesn't have any alcohol free days a week then.

AnyFucker · 26/01/2015 10:28

wine with a meal and a couple of cans of beer is not an alcohol free day

Ragwort · 26/01/2015 10:41

Look at it the other way, would he want to live with someone who never drinks?

It's a bit like smoking, either you do or you don't.

My DH and I rarely have an alcohol free day, I can easily have a couple of glasses of wine before dinner and a couple with my meal. Likewise DH. Yes, it is over the limits but we are comfortable with our choice.

Clearly, it's not a choice you would be comfortable with and if you lived together it would become an issue for you every time he poured himself a beer or bought a case of wine. Likewise, how happy would he be if you were tut-tutting every evening?

Only you can decide what your 'compromises' would be.

Original poster

Allinuse · 26/01/2015 10:43

No no alcohol free days as he has the wine each evening

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 26/01/2015 10:46

Like Rag said, if that is not ok in your world you really shouldn't be trying to convince yourself that it is or it could be. That way madness lies.

supernaut · 26/01/2015 10:46

It sounds like you have a pretty puritanical view on alcohol to be honest.
You've been with him a year and only seen him tipsy twice doesn't sound like a drink problem to me.
Some people who drink never get drunk, especially if they only drink wine with food.
The fact you say you struggle to understand why someone would want to get drunk shows that you should probably be with a teetotaller.

BitOutOfPractice · 26/01/2015 10:47

I think there's two issues.

the drinking - if you're not comfortable with it now, you need to talk to him about it and decide based on that I think

Not picking the phone up once in a year. Yes, you're over thinking that bit

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