Am I over reacting and being unreasonable

[Allinuse]

Please someone tell me if I'm being unreasonable or over analysing here.
I thought I had a good relationship with my Bf of almost a year. We are both in our mid forties and do not live together. We get on well, enjoy each other's company and I thought at last I'd found someone after a very difficult few years

There have been a few things bothering me however. I feel he drinks quite a bit. He rarely goes a day without a couple of beers in the evening and always has glass or two of wine with evening meal. I Rarely drink so am not sure what to measure this by. He goes out with a friend every few months and gets really drunk, it's difficult to say how bad because I don't see him I just hear him as he calls me when he gets home. Then last weekend he went to his brothers house for the afternoon and evening and when I called him after work as he asked me to do he didn't pick the phone up

There might be some issues from my previous relationship coming into play here but I felt sick, this is the first time in a year that he hasn't picked up on me. I rang his house phone and when I got to speak to him he was slurring his words and it was obvious he was worse for wear and he'd fallen asleep. I don't know why but I felt really pissed off, I'm finding it hard to evaluate my own reaction really. We didn't have a massive row but it was obvious I was pissed off and I did say I wouldn't be ringing him again after work he would have to ring me.

In a nutshell I suppose I feel let down that he might not be the long term prospect I had hoped even though he's a lovely person and I do love him. I'm concerned he may have a big drink problem and I'm scared he's becoming unreliable although up until this incident he's been reliable to a fault.Prior to this I would have liked us to discuss living together now I'm wondering if he's avoiding that because then he may have to curtail drinking or if he's hiding something.

As a drinker I would also not be happy with being asked or feeling pressured to change my drinking habits...which other people have already alluded to.
If you can't understand the appeal of being drunk, you'll probably find yourself annoyed with him everytime he's had one too many (I.e. "bit drunk"). Don't sound compatible.

Have you raised the subject of living together? If not why not, and why the rush anyway? A year isn't that long, IMO.

There's a huge difference between drinking a reasonable amount (wine with dinner) daily and someone who regularly gets drunk. As your Bf does.

Don't be 'frightened of being let down'. You're not a passive recipient of other people's decisions. You can make your own.

As others have said,I think you need to separate two things here:

• he didn't answer the phone immediately to you - what is it that bothers you here? Did you immediately worry that something was wrong? If so, what (be honest) I've been with dh for 20 years, so I realise that the heady early days are long behind me, but I think even then I wasn't so hung up on talking to him that I'd have worried if I knew he'd been out on a night with mates & didn't call me.

• then the drinking - as someone who drinks rarely, how do you feel about living with someone who drinks every single day (a glass of wine & a couple of beers is not alcohol free!) and - every month? - drinks to the extent that he is seriously drunk.How would you feel about that happening every month, so every month you have to deal with a seriously drunk bloke landing up at the house in the middle of the night, then struggling with a hangover the next morning? If you're finding it hard now, I can only see that getting harder.

I certainly wouldn't be rushing to move in for a while whilst I thought that through. Could you challenge him to do a dry month/give up booze for lent with you - just to see how he reacts?

Your Bf is a functioning alcoholic. He drinks every day (wine&beer are alcohol so there's no day that he doesn't drink some amount of alcohol). You seem to be excusing his alcoholism because you would rather be with him than on your own. My friend ignored everyone who warned her off marrying a man with similar drinking habits, it did not end well. Another person I know, currently has organ failure and long term illnesses due to a similar lifestyle and drinking habits. As time passed by, they have become unrecognisable to us, due to their addiction/dependency. It's a very sad reality and nobody could stop it because the person was in denial.

Izzy he gets drunk "every couple of months"

His drinking is a problem for you and will continue to be a problem to you for the duration of your relationship.

His drinking is a problem to you as it has meant he didn't answer his phone when you called and also because you don't like him drinking, don't understand why he gets drunk. There is nothing wrong with your opinion on his drinking but you have to realise that it will become a bigger issue if you move intogether.

I don't think you are in the right relationship and you want to compromise by trying to ignore the drinking - this will not work as drinking can't be compromised. You can't ask him to drink within your limits any more than he can ask you to drink vodka in his limits, there isn't a compromise.

Bit, I'd misread it as every month (still regular tho!)

I don't think my view on alcohol is puritanical. I do drink myself sometimes just not EVERY day so it does make me wonder

Posted too soon
It does make me wonder if there's a deeper underlying problem

I would imagine that someone who is drinking alcohol every day has some sort of dependence on it, whether that is purely psychological and/or physical.

I have recently cut down drastically when I realised that I was using it as a crutch due to stress at work and it would affect my health if I didn't put the brakes on it. I worried I would find it difficult but found it surprisingly easy. I fully admit my "dependence" was emotional and used as a treat to wind down. I was never drunk and never hungover, but it was still a problem.

Yes Anyfucker I think you've hit the nail on the head. He's very rarely drunk and doesn't seem to get hungover even though he drinks every day