Can a couple with children maintain their marriage if living in different countries?

[Fiona2011231]

Could you pls advise?

Can a couple with children maintain their marriage if living in different countries?

Here is the situation: The husband is forced to find a new job, and he found one in another country in Asia. In their plan, the wife will stay in England to work and to take care of the children. Whenever they have time and opportunities, they will fly back and forth to see each other.

What kind of chance would you give in this situation? Can it work out, not only for the couple but for the children as well, in long-term?

Thank you,

Age of children?
Available funds for flights?
Wife flying to Asia alone?
Support mechanisms at home?

I held the fort for five months and saw dh twice in that time.
Was doable as short term but not great BUT being an expat with three kids as a sahm without support is a lot worse.
How does tax affect you? Need to check how many days he can fly to you/visit the uk without being considered ordinarily resident of uk if he wants to just pay tax where he is.
Skype etc doable.
My 4 year old played up a bit but understood.
He should definitely go it alone for a few months in any case to see whether he could imagine you out there as a family unit. If you stay in the uk and he realises it is a crock of shit he can work out his notice, come back having tried it and noone got uprooted for nothing.

I previously spent some years working away from home for extended periods. I observed that it is very damaging to family and personal relationships, for both men and women.

I have known several marriages fail in this circumstance, and children suffer.

I'm in an industry where this is common and I can see DH doing this one day.

It can work, but some of the guys I know cheat, and are on 3rd\4th marriages. The H can almost become irrelevant as the family left behind just get on with it while he is gone, and he can become an outsider when he is back on r&r

I have no experience but it sounds like a recipe for a disaster so to speak.
I wouldn't want to do it.

My husband spent 9 months in South Africa whilst we remained in the uk

It broke the marriage I had - we're still married but different. It also caused the kids relationship with him to change and short/medium term for the worst. !0 years ago but the scars are still there. jme

I know several families where this is working just fine. Obviously depends on the personalities of all involved though.

I have several friends whose families are in India whilst they work in this country. It seems to work okay but I think this set up is more common there - in both cases the wives started off living in the UK but wanted to move home when the children were reaching school age and/or they had sickness or bereavement in their families back home and realised just how far away they were.

I've seen it decidedly not work as well - it depends a lot on how committed the person who is away from the family is to making it work long term.

I'm guessing the frequency of visits and remote contact are better than a lot of Forces families.

If the intention is to live together again in the future it may work. But if one partner wants to stay in one country and the other wants to be elsewhere and neither will 'give in' then no, it won't work and I know couples who have split because of it.
The more usual arrangement is for husband and wife to go to the same place and the children either join them or go to a good boarding school in the UK.

We have spent very long periods of time apart (10 months max at any one time) over a ten year period. Total time apart probably adds up to 5 years out of 11.

I didn't mind it very much at all when I was consumed with work if I'm honest. I was only able to visit in one location (safety rather than ££).

Very different story once children arrive. Working and being a 'lone' parent is no fun at all and I take my hat off to proper lone parents, it is very hard work.

Of course you have to trust each other implicitly, like your own company and be able to get on with things/life etc..

We had horrible things to deal with at times - very poorly child and major surgery without any family close by so dealt with entirely alone. I confess to feeling slightly resentful at some points.

It can be done if you are both fully committed but it is definitely not easy - having done it I wouldn't really recommend it if there is the smallest chance of another option.

Is it a temporary situation? Do they have a plan to get together eventually?

I have done this once in a ltd which failed because of it, but he was a flaky sort of character really, with the benefit of hindsight, and also it was the Middle East so we didn't visit too often.
My current dh travels every weekend from Europe and this just about works, but we've done it for four years now and it ends this year - we can't wait. I think regular contact is essential (although the travel is exhausting) and an end date which everyone is working towards. Indefinite it can't really work.

It all depends on how long it will be for. Spare a thought for military families, away for 6 months every 2 years

I grew up like this. Everyone was unhappy. My mum suffered untreated depression for 30 years and then died 6 months before my Dad retired and returned full time the UK.

They sacrificed their lives for a wealthy retirement. In reality, my Dad lives alone in a big, empty house racked with guilt for his choices.

I think my Mum ought to have divorced him rather than endured the half life she did.

I know several people who give the impression that it works, unless you know them well, when you find the DC barely know their father, the DW is resentful and lonely and the DH is either living the life of Riley with a string of other women or is just as resentful and lonely as his wife.

Financially and outwardly they all have a good life, but no one is happy.

I think pinkfrocks is right, this can work in the shorter-term if you know you are going to eventually live together again. If you are genuinely building separate lives in two different countries, the opportunity to grow apart is quite high. It also does affect the children in terms of their closeness to the 'away' parent, although my observations are that this is not worse than for many families with dads commuting/or disengaged for emotional reasons who live with the children- and in our situation we haven't found it that hard to pick up where we left off as there was a solid loving relationship to build on.

The pluses are that one partner might throw themselves into their work or family when the other is away, it's not all sitting around feeling lonely if you are not this type of person. It can be easier running a family with just you and the children.

The hardest bit is the transition when they come home. I think lots of military families find this- once they are fully back it's lovely, but that transition when you are used to being independent can be hard.

If there are strong reasons to go for it, such as great career opportunity (or absolutely none where you are) family in one country or military structure, then I think it can work. I know lots of LATS (Living Apart Together) in academia- although in the main they tend to be in the same country but at different institutions, but not always and many have sabbaticals in different countries.

Actually, must add that we now have the choice of a six month away six months off at home job but we have chosen to have a normal family life instead of a 30% higher salary with tax advantages.

Entirely depends on the motivation for doing it I suppose, if you are completely broke then fine as a temporary fix but not worth it long term. I would want an end date.

DH is definitely came back less 'house trained' after the ten month stint .

Thank you for your honest replies. Based on your opinions, I feel that there must be an end date for it to have a chance. Perhaps 3 years is the most.

Yes, I think that's sensible, OP. A defined period for a particular benefit (either a 'once in a lifetime' role, something like aid worker where you couldn't take a family, or for a chunk of cold hard cash) but not open-ended.

I agree with having an end date absolutely. Three years seems a long time to me.

We did it for 2 years. Not ideal, but needs must.

Some of the people I worked with thought they were being a good husband and father, sacrificing themselves to send money back to build a good family.

They were, however, sacrificing themselves to build a good family that didn't include them

One man worked in the Gulf for three years, expecting to come back and buy a nice house, sending the money home. He came back to find his wife had spent it all.

I certainly wouldn't recommend 30+ years!

What are the UK job options like? I don't understand why a parent would do this and take the risks involved unless v poor tbh. 3 years is a very long time, especially for DC.

Some jobs are genuinely international- e.g. the oil trade, academics often have to go where their niche interests are currently recruiting, specialist lawyers, or perhaps just the lure of tax-free money. I don't see anything wrong with it at all, but that's because I've done it and am still married!