Ex blanking me with mutual friends a decade after split

[IncognitoBurrito]

Ex and I were together in our early 20s. Had a pretty messy breakup at my instigation, lots of on again, off again hoo ha. I generally handled it pretty badly and unintentionally inflicted more pain than was probably necessary (new boyfriends quickly etc). He was really messed up about it, but I was hurt too. We haven't had much contact since then.

We met through our mutual friendship group, however, and still have those same friends. Now we are both married to other people and I have a DD.

Our friends have started getting married and having big birthday celebrations which has meant we are both invited to various things. Some small pub get togethers and some large weddings.

I had every intention of saying hi, and being pleasant, after all, it all happened ages ago and we did like each other once. He has completely cut me dead, blanked me, I don't even exist. This has really upset me for some reason. I feel very uncomfortable and humiliated. I'm not a monster, I didn't cheat on him or beat him. Why carry this hatred on for so long? It feels like he's trying to make me so uncomfortable that I give up on our mutual friends and he gets them, which I would be pretty gutted about tbh.

Mutual friends ignore this and tend to invite him out more than they do me if it's not a birthday etc. I feel let down by them too.

Not sure how you would deal with this? Any ideas? Should I just suck it up? Have another event in a couple of weeks which I'm dreading. Have pmt so everything probably feels worse at the mo! Thanks for reading.

enjoyingmycoffee yes, that has been the bitterest pill, I have to say.

Controlling prick? I bet he loves seeing you squirm, humiliated in front of others. I bet he loves the power dynamic where whenever you are together, you reaching out to him and he pushes you away.

Stop giving him the ammo.

You are not under his control any more. You do not need his approval.

Make sure you don't give a shiny shit about him or his life. Make sure it shows.

Love the hello and smirk but personally I would avoid that "friend" group.

OP people are usually more than capable of making their own judgements about a person

This is very naive thinking. In the abstract it's true. But not in real life - if your life is made very difficult by maintaining a friendship, that friendship wains.

If you think about it, you know it's true:

• you like your best friends bf; they break up acrimoniously as she leaves him; "your own judgment" is "he's a nice guy". Bf doesn't want you to see her ex. Do you stay friends? Er... nope.

• you like your brother's wife very much; he shags her best friend and moves in with her. "your own judgment" is your brother's ex wife is a fabulous woman wronged. You brother doesn't want anything more to do with her. Do you still keep seeing her? Er... nope.

• as a couple you are in a social circle with another couple. Turns out the husband is fucking his secretary and leaves his wife for her. "your own judgment" is that he's great company and his private life is nothing to do with you. But asking the husband and the secretary to your dinner parties will mean a fractured difficult evening with other couples. Do you still keep inviting him and his new gf? Er... nope.

Life isn't all picture book "we all behave perfectly" nicey nicey. Most people want a quiet life and choose the path of least resistance in social circle matters.

That's why I said - if this matter to you - a bit of backroom influencing won't go amiss.

It may be that he's a twat who is trying to get his own back somehow. Or he may simply not know what to say so blanking you is the easy way out.

Either way, there's not much you can really do. Just ignore him.

OP, from what I have read, you were in a relationship with him-and it was awful. He talked you into giving it another go -it was also awful. Imho, giving it another (and another and another) chance isn't you being bad; he manipulated you into it. It was still awful and this is all based on his behavior (all of this manipulation perhaps?). You broke up because you rightly refused to be invisible to his psychological needs.

You have moved on with relationships, yet you still have an emotional connection with him. And apparently he does with you as well. In both cases imho, these connections are not in a good way. He has some level of hatred for you (imho, because he did not get his way) (yes, hate is a form of connection).

Your connection is more tricky because it is the damage that a narcissist can do manifesting itself. Very subtle, but he has you believing that the break up was your fault, that any feeling he has had associated with the breakup is also your fault (understand that you are not in control of his feelings which goes hand in hand with not being responsible for his happiness). Narcissists, imho and experience, will not (perhaps can not as their brains may be wired differently) take responsibility for their hurtful, negative, degrading, uncivil, (the whole menu of how they may administer Death By Ten Thousand Cuts) behavior. He is using the group as he needs to for the purpose of shoring up his archangel persona...without the audience, (or horse stable full of individuals he uses for supply), he is nothing.

The group is under his spell. You know the facade is fake and can spoil everything. That is why he demonstrates the rudeness (hatred), imho.

Please, work on achieving a position of complete emotional detachment from him. No, not just like he doesn't exist- he obviously does exist. More like he exists as a stranger on the street...You just are not connected to that person. You are no longer associated with that person so he does not rate any brain space. (Hopefully someone will come along and explain this better! )

Do not email him. That is a connection, and I have no doubt that he would make hay out of it no matter what you wrote.
Do not smirk at him. Without the narcissistic element, this would be perfect. But any reaction from you will be entertainment fodder because you are not dealing with a normal person or normal social intelligence ground rules.

It may be best to take a break from the group. In time, one by one, folks may seek you out to confirm their experience with him (and decide to spend time with you instead). His stable will dwindle...perhaps over a period of years. You do not need to witness it, no shadenfraude. Be glad you are out of the relationship. Pity the lady who is with him now as he will not change...Well, only change to become worse.

Sorry the price for getting out of that relationship is so high, even after years time. But your mental health was/is at stake and you did nothing wrong, imho.

Aww, thanks KatlynB.

IB, on the "can't bear someone thinking ill of me" is something you do not really have control over, if you think about it. People will think what they will.

This was a stumbling block for me in detaching from the narcissist in my life. I didn't want to be mean. But it was not a mean action to set a boundary to protect myself. I think you get that, 'cause you broke up with him, ultimately regardless what he thought about it. And you did give great respect to what he thought about it (again and again). He wore that out.
Follow that with giving yourself permission to stop caring what he thinks . His behavior has invalidated what he thinks, hasn't it? I think there may be a societal conditioning to always have great manners. Not caring is uncivil, same as not listening to someone. But people do those things as a means of a sort of self-defense. It is perfectly ok to have your own boundaries (as he apparently does) and to respect yourself to honor those boundaries regardless of who is watching/present (who may or may not know the context).

if you had a friend who hurt you and let you down many times, you wouldn't just ignore each other 10yrs later when a friend invutes both to a wedding

I would. Life is way too short to have people in it that make you feel like crap. You make a decision about what is and what isn't acceptable to you in your relationships and for me, if you reach the point of no return, you've reached it. Time/distance doesn't do much to help with that. I have nothing to do with my ex face to face - there's only so much crap a normal person can take. I don't appreciate being lied to continually, treated like a fool and just generally shat on from a great height. So I stopped engaging. I dont' care how many years pass, I won't open myself up to that kind of treatment again. The idea that I'm somehow unreasonable, bitter, 'not over it' for not allowing myself to be abused in that way is, frankly, laughable. I'm getting on with my life, nothing less.

Oh my goodness AndTheBand I can't believe how much you've nailed it with your incredibly thoughtful post. The archangel persona really strikes a chord. He wants everyone to think he's such a great, meek, kindly, unassailably good character, but occasionally the mask slips and he has had fall-outs with almost everyone in the group at one point or another - all their fault, natch. I've never met anyone with the capacity for self pity that he had. Everything was always me (or someone else) being unkind to him. A phrase he used to use often was 'you can't talk to me like that, I'm sensitive.' (because I'm not sensitive, of course ) After I had made a joke with a hint of criticism in it, or something similar. I am glad you managed to detach from your narcissist.

Re: 'his stable will dwindle'. That's kind of you to write, but it's stayed pretty constant over a decade. I don't think I can be bothered hanging around for the pickings as they eventually peel off, if they do. This next event I have to go to as it's a leaving do for one of the best of the bunch, more at my end of the group than his, but after that I think I'll leave them to their devices. It's hurtful being regaled with stories of what they've been up to and I've been excluded from. I have other, better, friends.

Yes, working on complete detachment from him... And not feeling guilty or responsible. And not giving a shiny shit! Recognising what went on is really, really useful in doing that. Thanks KatelynB I owe him jack! Feels quite liberating! If he doesn't want to extend the courtesy of talking to me, then I can throw off the guilt that I somehow 'destroyed his 20s' by rejecting him, ha! What a weight off.

Thanks so much for such sensitive responses. I've never gone into the whole thing this deeply, it's really helpful. Feels a bit like swimming up from the bottom of a deep pool for a breath of air.

I had an ex who I "bumped into" (in terms)that I didn't really have any interest in striking up a conversation with so I just walked past...I wasn't trying to be a bitch I just didnt want to go there as I knew it would end up as an awkward conversation. A couple days after she messaged me on fb saying why wasn't I amicable and stop and speak to her? My response was pleasant but I just thought to myself I'm your ex...while I have no hard feelings I just didn't care to speak to her. She was nothing but drama and just didn't wanna go there at all.

This is such a great thread. All your answers are really helping me with my life as well! AndtheBand what a great post about narcissists - so so true, i have encountered so much of what you mention.
OP - you sound very wise and lovely. Glad you are feeling more positive about everything :-) xx

Disarming the Narcissist: Surviving and Thriving with the Self-Absorbed by Wendy Behary
And
The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Family by Eleanor Payson
Are good books, both available on Amazon.

Thanks, Isabelle

Great post, fedupbutfine, I agree with everything you wrote.

IncognitoBurrito , the wonderful relief is validation that disconnecting is the right thing to do. The second guessing is done!

elsabelle !

Ooh good book tips AndTheBand - thanks, will check them out.

I've read "Psychopath Free: Recovering from Emotionally Abusive Relationships With Narcissists, Sociopaths, & Other Toxic People" which i found very helpful and enlightening.

Was going to add but andtheband has summed it up perfectly. I have an ex from 15 years ago a little like this, still ignores me although we 're bothered married with DC. I was bothered at first but I don't care now.

*both married

DH's advice on being ignored: Do not be embarrassed. It is easy - Just smile and nod and move on in a natural way and XP will then have the dilemma of choosing blank you, every time, and it is they who look silly.

The boot is on your foot

Thanks for the book recommendation, too, elsabelle.

Thanks, cosmic .
I don't care now is the holy grail, no matter how long it takes to get there (I'm into my 7th year and still have a bit more to process).

Oh I dream of the day I reach the fabled and mythical I don't care. One day..

Selfloathing, I feel very sorry for you.

OP, I am puzzled by the dramatic change from your 1st post to the 2nd. You received little sympathy and this man was considered to be justified in his actions. Suddenly in your second post he is a manipulative, wicked, controlling, etc, etc man. I see this happen time and time again on MN and for me, the OP often loses credibility.

Newrule Perhaps that's just because I was going into it more deeply. The earlier less sympathetic posts seemed less thought out, more of a kneejerk reaction than some of the later ones, also based on less information. My OP was also not completely accurate, too simplified etc... But then of course I will react more positively to sympathy, isn't that human nature?

elsabelle thanks glad it is helping you, too.

AndTheBand Thanks for the book recommendations.

DayLillie Yes, When I have managed to disconect/not care, I hope it will be easy! As for they who look silly. Ideally yes, but I'm losing faith in my friends to even notice, apparently 'he's cool'

In that case you really need to ask yourself if you want to spend time with people who have different values to you. You can't make them see it, but you can decide if this who you want to be friends with. The group isn't much of a prize if their values are so different to yours.