Ex blanking me with mutual friends a decade after split

[IncognitoBurrito]

Ex and I were together in our early 20s. Had a pretty messy breakup at my instigation, lots of on again, off again hoo ha. I generally handled it pretty badly and unintentionally inflicted more pain than was probably necessary (new boyfriends quickly etc). He was really messed up about it, but I was hurt too. We haven't had much contact since then.

We met through our mutual friendship group, however, and still have those same friends. Now we are both married to other people and I have a DD.

Our friends have started getting married and having big birthday celebrations which has meant we are both invited to various things. Some small pub get togethers and some large weddings.

I had every intention of saying hi, and being pleasant, after all, it all happened ages ago and we did like each other once. He has completely cut me dead, blanked me, I don't even exist. This has really upset me for some reason. I feel very uncomfortable and humiliated. I'm not a monster, I didn't cheat on him or beat him. Why carry this hatred on for so long? It feels like he's trying to make me so uncomfortable that I give up on our mutual friends and he gets them, which I would be pretty gutted about tbh.

Mutual friends ignore this and tend to invite him out more than they do me if it's not a birthday etc. I feel let down by them too.

Not sure how you would deal with this? Any ideas? Should I just suck it up? Have another event in a couple of weeks which I'm dreading. Have pmt so everything probably feels worse at the mo! Thanks for reading.

And whether she is a complete bitch.

Hardly. Depends how important this friendship group is to her.

In a lot of ways, it's not that different to the "lobbying" that goes on in a friendship group when a couple divorce. The fact I've articulated it doesn't mean that it doesn't go on or that fighting your corner makes you "a complete bitch". A woman in a divorce fighting to keep her friends wouldn't be called a total bitch.

Hardly. Depends how important this friendship group is to her.

that is a fairly fucked up attitude. He hasn't forced her out of the group, from what the OP has said he hasn't done anything wrong. Yet you would advise a move to ostracize him from his/their friends.

I agree with Roussette and a few other people when saying there are unpleasant and unnecessarily harsh people on here.

I personally think that considering you both clearly moved onto a happier part of your life, there's no reason to be immature and blank somebody. Especially if you clame to have moved on (learnt from it)...
I simply think his ego got in the way...full stop

If you had a friend who hurt you and let you down many times, you wouldn't just ignore each other 10yrs later when a friend invutes both to a wedding...
Very defensive thing to do. If you let it get to you though, it might suggest you have not totally moved on either ...could be that you are feeling a bit guilty about the bad break up.

If it really does bother you, consider writing an apology letter to him to set yourself free from the way you feel now

xx

Thanks for all your responses, nothing like a Mumsnet jury to get a person told!

Trying to address points made:

I would never try to divide and conquer with my friends, I've almost never said bad stuff about him to them because I know they are in a difficult position stuck in the middle. He however has not done the same, I'm sure, and has used his suffering to pull them away from me. They also have interests in common which I don't share which has exacerbated this.

The humiliated part was saying hello to him in front of about 10 people and being ignored! Felt pretty humiliating.

In my opening paragraph I simplified things considerably. We were young when we got together. He was my first love. He turned out over the course of the relationship to be incredibly negative, passive aggressive, controlling and generally made me miserable. Never once gave me a compliment in 5 years! I tried to end it, he begged me to come back. Repeat over a period of three years of misery after which I finally did end it. He saw me with subsequent boyfriends and was enraged/ tried to make me feel I was being awful to him, when in fact I was just getting on with my life.
My feeling of being in the wrong was to do with taking so long to end it, which was very bad.

I do take the point that I can't control how he acts / reacts to me. I suppose I thought that now he's married and happy we could bury the hatchet for the sake of harmony. Perhaps thats selfish. Oddly before he met his wife/ I had a baby (at roughly the same time) he was perfectly civil whenever we met.

Interesting ideas about emailing him. I don't actually want to be his best mate, or send him Christmas cards, that would be intrusive, but I suppose I am saddened that we can't be civil when we were once so close.

I think I'm going to leave him be for now and rise above it when I see him. I can't force him to like me, and for the limited times we see each other it's not worth the drama.

I suppose if I expect this behaviour from now on it won't feel like such a slap when it happens. One thing I'm not going to let him do is come between my friends and me.

Thanks again for frank advice!

I think the history puts a slightly different slant on it. So he was controlling and plays the professional victim, not accepting that the OP has a right to a life beyond him.

He was alright for a bit, but now she has married and had a baby, the need to punish her for moving on has arisen again.

Don't give him a chance to humiliate you, and I would seriously evaluate your friendship group.

It also sounds like he has manipulated you into accepting the blame in the relationship and the responsibility for his happiness.

The OP broke up with someone in her early 20s and then (shock! horror!) had some further boyfriends afterwards. Why the vitriol?

OP, he's made it clear that he is still bitter. Leave him to it, it's not worth pursuing. He wants to pretend you don't exist, respect his decision and blank him back. You won't get anywhere trying to sort this. He's wearing his pain with pride.

On your 2nd post, he sounds like an absolute arse. Do not blame yourself from trying to break free from what appears to have been abusive relationship. Please don't try and apologise to him - just avoid all contact.

*an abusive relationship. Sorry for typo.

OP given the information that you have just imparted, Why would you want anything to do with him?

Boney, you are putting words in my mouth. I didn't make a single comment about him being a man or needing to "man up" etc. I merely suggested that the OP could try and open up a dialogue if she wanted to repair some of the damage done in the past.

I also felt that other posters had been quite harsh to her. I made no judgements about her ex.
I find your response to me quite rude. I think it says more about you than anyone else.

Boney for all we know, he might be pleased to receive an email or message from the OP. Nowhere has the OP said that he told her to leave him alone. So it may not be going against his wishes at all, he might be pleased to clear the air, but just not wanting to make the first move himself. Its not about saying he has to man up, no-one has suggested that. And i don't think telling other posters that their attitude is fucked up is exactly in the spirit of giving advice and helping people with their problems.

Magpie I didn't post that you said that he should "man up" I said that some have suggested that. I posted that you are suggesting that the OP ignores his feelings on this.

If you consider that rude then so be it.

Elsa He may be pleased to receive an apology, from the OP's further posts I suspect not.

As for saying that other posters have a "fucked up" attitude, that is what I would call someone's attitude when they deliberately manipulate a friendship group to separate someone from that group.

I would say the same if the OP's Ex was doing this as well.

He hasn't forced her out of the group, from what the OP has said he hasn't done anything wrong. Yet you would advise a move to ostracize him from his/their friends.

What are you talking about? Ostracizing is exactly what the OP said he was trying to do. See original post:

Why carry this hatred on for so long? It feels like he's trying to make me so uncomfortable that I give up on our mutual friends and he gets them, which I would be pretty gutted about tbh.

Which is why I used the words "fight fire with fire". If you think that's fucked up, then fine. But I disagree with you. There is nothing "fucked up" or "bitchy" about trying to protect your own interests. I have to say your response on this is - to me - a classic example of how women are suppressed by societal conditioning and attitudes. A man behaving the same way would be described as machiavellian or political. A woman doing the same think is "fucked up" and "bitchy"

It's academic as OP has said she wouldn't try to "divide and conquer" her friends. I fear that her aspiration that "One thing I'm not going to let him do is come between my friends and me." will fail though by the sound of it.

If he's going into battle with her, then you either walk away with your tail between your legs or fight back. He's already getting more invites than OP. If that carries on, bonds with group activity with him and his wife will grow ("remember last friday when we ...") and group bonds with her will weaken.

I wouldn't take that lying down myself - but only if the group mattered to me.

Sorry, no advice OP, but I am really shocked at the initial comments to your post. The level of nastiness involved has more than a whiff of bullying, though being charitable the posters are confusing you with someone they are currently blanking and have joined the blanking union.

I'd send him a dignified message as pp suggested saying that you are sorry things were so acrimonious between you in the past. Where I'd differ is to say that you fully appreciate that you two can't be friends but you will be saying hello to him at social events because that is what seems right for you. He is free to do whatever he is comfortable with and he should understand that you will do the same. You wish him well for the future, signed Ex. Basically the tone you're aiming for is 'I'm going to be a civil adult, if you don't want to be that's your choice' without quite saying that

As you're now forewarned, next time, say hello to him but continue right on with a hello to someone else, or a fill in remark like 'I'll go and see what so and so is doing / get a drink first etc' then start a new topic, or move off if it seems frosty. That way you have behaved civilly, not given him the chance to actively blank you, and he looks bad if anyone does. If he says anything nasty or unfriendly, you reverse roles and ignore it totally, just change the subject and speak to someone else. Dignity and not allowing yourself to be cowed, that's the way to go.

Thank you all, especially those who have been sympathetic! I would have been pretty horrified by some of the responses if I wasn't a seasoned mumsnetter! But it is interesting to hear all angles.

Beryl you have pretty much put into words what I have spent years trying to articulate. This is better than therapy!

^'So he was controlling and plays the professional victim, not accepting that the OP has a right to a life beyond him.
He was alright for a bit, but now she has married and had a baby, the need to punish her for moving on has arisen again.
It also sounds like he has manipulated you into accepting the blame in the relationship and the responsibility for his happiness'^

This. The freezing out started when I was at a gathering with a baby bump you could have seen from space. I think that was pretty final moving on from me, and he couldn't hack it.

I started this thread not knowing why I was so angry. I felt the need to be contrite about dumping him in the OP partly because that's how I've always been made to feel by him, and partly to avoid a mumsnet roasting of 'well, you shouldn't have dumped him, flaunted subsequent boyfriends, got what you deserve' type thing. Failed!!

But I think what the anger is now is an impotent rage at the accepted idea in our group that he is such a lovely, shy, nice bloke who wouldn't hurt a fly, and who was treated dreadfully by me. And he gets to continue his meanness and spite in front of everyone with no one backing me up. I am really re-evaluating my friends at this point.

They do exactly that SelfLoathing ' when do the tickets for Edinburgh come out? Wasn't NYE a hoot?' And on and on, even the one who is supposed to be my closest friend. Thank goodness I have other friends.

Boney Why would I want anything to do with him? I don't know! I really don't! I'm reminded of Pride and Prejudice 'I cannot bear to think that he is alive in the world and thinking ill of me' Have no idea why though. Perhaps because it seems so bloody unjust!

It feels a bit odd the idea of emailing him to apologise about 8 year old stuff that went on now that we're both married. A bit inappropriate even. I don't know.

Thanks Coyoacan

xpost TendonQueen Yes, this is a good idea. I'm not sure I could bite my tongue if he had a go though!

I honestly wouldn't contact him. It gives him a lot of power.

I think his blanking you was a PA attention seeking ploy. Don't play into his hands.

You could practice a 'Hello David' as you then move serenely on, not giving him a chance to blank you.

[Have just realised I have completely morphed into my mother]

Katelyn Are you my mother? Don't explain, don't apologise is one of her favourite mantras.

In fact, the saying hello and smirking as you move on is a super idea - it will make him impotent with rage, but he won't be able to do anything because he isn't talking to you. Genius!

He is obviously still quite bitter about the break up and you yourself admitted you handled it badly. You could appeal to his better nature but this probably wouldn't work after all this time. So you'll either have to just accept his behaviour or find a new set of friends. He doesn't need to forgive you for hurting him.

Saying hello and smirking, I like it! He will be flummoxed and pissed off