why do some people repeat the same patterns in relationships?

[dontcallnotdating]

Just pondering. I don't think I've ever had a truly equal relationship where both parties reciprocated evenly. I have also had some very similar relationships which were very intense and quickly extinguished.

Why does this happen? If you've had one abusive relationship, it seems you are more likely to have another. Others attract players and liars. Some people seem to walk into a relationship that is perfect for them. It doesn't seem to be to do with physical appearance - more high self esteem perhaps?

I am not asking this for myself, at least not yet, as I'm taking time away from dating. But I suppose, deep down, I feel I don't have what it takes to build a successful, happy relationship. I wonder what it is that makes people repeat negative relationship patterns over and over.

I've also learnt a hell of a lot in my relationships but the fall-out from them has been terrible. Really bad. I always thought for someone to be seriously interested in me there must be something wrong with them. My last ex, who was very serious and I was going to marry, turned out to have committed a serious offence which of course I didn't know until he was arrested. So my fears were proven true, because there is something very wrong with him to commit that kind of offence. It will take me a long time to get over that betrayal of trust, if I ever do. Hopefully I will but I think any kind of innocence I had about relationships has gone now. Now that I know people are capable of hiding a nasty side of themselves so well for a long time I will be constantly wondering if they are hiding anything from me, which isn't a fun way to live.

I always thought for someone to be seriously interested in me there must be something wrong with them.

I feel like this, too.

The more someone seems to like me, the less respect I have for them.

I've said before that how positively I feel about myself is inversely proportionate to how much someoneclaimsto like me. I don't know how to change that, it just happens.

I only surround myself with kind, lovely, positive people and no one irl knows how I really feel about myself.

I could really do with some serious therapy but I just can't afford it.

I'm lucky because I'm getting some counselling through my uni, only for a few sessions though. Therapy is hideously expensive.

I thought the same with my ex, I was suspicious at why he seemed to like me so much. I did eventually believe that he loved me but it took me several months. I wonder now if he just thought I was an easy target.

I'm sorry to hear about your recent experience. It's hard enough as it is, without something like that! I just can't understand why someone would set out to destroy someone intentionally, or at the very least know they were hiding something like that.

I try to accept, on an intellectual level, that I'm no less capable of a relationship than anyone else. I went through a couple of months in the autumn when I seemed to be quite attractive to men, but that has passed. I wonder to what extent it's because even considering a relationship is now enough to send my confidence and self esteem plummeting and i'm no longer 'attractive' because of that.

Part of the reason I'm opting out is that I think I'm flying a whole string of red flags atm. I could hide them for a bit, but I couldn't inflict myself on anyone at the moment!

Not no less capable of a relationship, no less worthy one.

I don't think he set out to hurt me, I hope not anyway. He told me he didn't ever think it would end up in him being arrested so as far he was concerned I was never going to find out. What he did was quite easy to hide but even so I don't know how he could enter into a relationship with this massive secret. It's very disturbing and I had no clue whatsoever. It would have been much worse for me if I'd lived with him though. This experience has made me very wary of even living with someone, never mind marriage. The thought of being legally tied to someone and having our finances tied together makes me feel sick. It's a horrible, cynical attitude to have I know but I worry that I'm not a very good judge of character and I honestly think a marriage breakdown would push me over the edge. So I've decided it's best to just not get involved in that type of relationship.

I think that's sensible FolkGirl. I remember your other threads about your friend and his ex and how miserable it was making you. There's no point in starting a relationship where you feel insecure from the start IMO. I'm carrying a ton of red flags as well. Someone asked me the other day if I was looking for a new boyfriend and I said no way. My break-up was several months ago but I just can't get over things that quickly. Maybe I'm not very resilient, which is another reason why I should avoid relationships. Because when they end, I really fall apart and I don't handle it well and I take a long time to get over them. I wonder what the point is in putting myself through that because so far the fall-out and pain from my relationships have lasted longer and overshadowed the relationships themselves. As I said, I think recognising this in ourselves is half the battle but how we overcome it without therapy, I really don't know.

God, yes, my friend and the ex... exactly.

No, I don't know how to do it without therapy either. I know where it stems from and i understand the triggers, but I don't know how to unpick it. I learnt it all as soundly as I learned the green cross code. I don't think about that, I just do it automatically. It's part of me. This is no different.

I identify with a lot of this. I am having therapy and I have been referred for cbt on the NHS which might help with some of those beliefs I hold. But relationships have only ever brought me sadness.

dont what did you say to the GP?

I self referred for counselling, but was deemed unsuitable for cbt when I went through the telephone triage process.

I always get referred for counselling for generalised 'self-esteem' issues. That is a problem, but it only affects me in the area of romantic relationships. I've managed to improve in a other areas to a level I can manage.

But I think that if I go to the drs and talk about not thinking I'm not worthy of a relationship, they're just going to agree with me because I am a little overweight and I'm not very attractive. And I thunk they'll just tell me that it's not something the likes of me should be thinking about anyway.

About thinking I'm not worthy.

And think. Not thunk.

We learn from our parents and childhood what is normal. We then tend to follow the norm so to speak. So if you grew up surrounded by violence (as I did) you are more likely to be subjected to violence as it is normal. Without therapy and changing the way you think and working on your own borderline you are likely to fall back into the same place.

That is true for a lot of people but I had a bog standard, very normal childhood. Parents who have been married since the year dot and still love each other, and rarely argue. I do think my mum is quite controlling, not in an abusive way at all but she definitely likes things her way and gets stroppy if I disagree with her. But that wouldn't effect my romantic relationships necessarily. I do have chronic low self esteem and I don't really know why. I've had depression since I can remember so it must be linked to that.

My sister is married to a man who I think is an arsehole. She said she didn't think anyone else would have her so she has low self esteem too. I wonder what it was about our childhood that made us like that or is it something that's inherently part of our personality. We're both shy, people pleasers so that must have something to do with it.

Folk I went through the telephone triage process and basically said there had been times when I felt I didn't want to be here that I felt unworthy of love due to abuse in childhood, that I often felt anxious and that I had a pattern of intense, short relationships, that I would sabotage as essentially I didn't feel good enough. She thought I'd benefit from the higher level of cbt

School life maybe? It does sound like low self esteem. There are courses. First of all though confidence is attractive and shhhhh don't tell anyone but even though I step out. Heels on. Make up done. Confident looking. I'm a faking it. I'm shaking inside. I'm thinking all sorts. Not look how sexy I look. More my belly looks fat. My legs are too pale. My hair is probably everywhere. Oh God has my eye liner run.

Truth is I get enough attention (and I am FAR from pretty) but I can still get attention and some of them are damn hot

My advice. Fake it till you feel it. As time goes on you will feel more confident. Keep pushing your boundaries.

I get attention, but it doesn't change how I feel on the inside, which is nothing to do with how I look on the outside. Actually part of my self destructive behaviour was being overly flirtatious and attention seeking.

pandora I think that for you and your sister to be so similar, there must gave been something. It was probably quite subtle and sonething you've never really noticed.

I know what underpins mine.

My mother criticised every aspect of my appearance as unattractive, I was constantly told that, "no one will ever love you/you'll never get a husband if..." and they were things like biting my nails as a child or things I couldn't change, like perfectly normal aspects of my personality.

I just learnt that I wasn't good enough for a relationship.

i question my relationships. im not very good at them and i choose the wrong people. i think alot of it is to do with my childhood. i wont put up with any form of shit but at the same time i dont make any effort to fix it or to look for the right relationship..

ie one of my first relationships was aggressive/vilolent i told him i was better than that and i was gone... i have had the same with other relationships.... sometimes i sort of hope this time it will be ok although that not logic.

i was abused as a child by a family member my mum new about it and never protected me. she has rejected me over many years and still has time of day for my abuser. i wanted to feel loved and wanted and i think i go for wrong relationships in the hope the person will be nice to me :/

but it only takes something very small for me to be gone.

none of that probably makes any sense at all. im not sure if there is any clear answer

I don't have a problem with my looks, I think I'm reasonably attractive and I do get attention from men. My problem is that I feel men are only interested in me for sex and don't actually like ME as a person. I guess I lack confidence in my character and personality. I'm very shy and always been lead to believe I'm boring because of that so I find initiating relationships difficult. You could be right with school life, I've always attracted bullies or people who treat me badly. I do have a couple of friends who aren't like that though.

I get attention, but it doesn't change how I feel on the inside

Absolutely. I've done the faking it, but that's the problem. It's fake. It's not sustainable in a relationship!

Thanks for that, I might try phoning again.

pandora I'm the opposite to you.

I'm comfortable with myself as a person and my character, but I don't think I'm attractive enough for love. I think someone decent deserves to have someone more attractive than me to look at or be seen out with.

I feel like anyone who's with me would be easily drawn to someone like you and I'm not enough to stop that from happening.

I feel similar to Pandora. I am probably a fairly quiet person, but I feel as if I have to make myself more interesting to be attractive. Obviously that has the opposite effect. So for now, I'm concentrating on just being here and being me, the boring quiet me, not the loud, fake embarrassment.

I used to hate the way I looked, I had real body dysmorphia. I'm not sure what changed really - I still hate photos of myself but I can accept now that some men might find me attractive. My depression has caused a problem in previous relationships and I'm a bit of a self sabotager as well. My last ex is very outgoing and the complete opposite of me really. I could never get why he would want to be with someone like me. I'm quite socially awkward and not a very good conversationalist with people I don't know so I used to avoid meeting his friends. When I did, I used to feel embarrassed on his behalf and wondered what on earth his friends made of me. But like I said, I wonder if he thought I was an easy target.

It's funny because I'm always afraid that a boyfriend would leave me for someone more interesting. I'm sorry you feel that way, I'm sure your mother had a lot to do with it.

Forgot to say, I was bullied quite badly at school by a boy. I was bullied by girls as well but there was something about him that really upset me, he was so horrible and made me feel like I was a waste of space. That probably didn't help me get off to a good start in my relationships with men.

I read this article the other day which I thought was absolutely brilliant.

thephilosophersmail.com/relationships/how-we-end-up-marrying-the-wrong-people/

I especially thought this was spot on:

We believe we seek happiness in love, but it’s not quite as simple. What at times it seems we actually seek is familiarity – which may well complicate any plans we might have for happiness.

We recreate in adult relationships some of the feelings we knew in childhood. It was as children that we first came to know and understand what love meant. But unfortunately, the lessons we picked up may not have been straightforward. The love we knew as children may have come entwined with other, less pleasant dynamics: being controlled, feeling humiliated, being abandoned, never communicating, in short: suffering.

As adults, we may then reject certain healthy candidates whom we encounter, not because they are wrong, but precisely because they are too well-balanced (too mature, too understanding, too reliable), and this rightness feels unfamiliar and alien, almost oppressive. We head instead to candidates whom our unconscious is drawn to, not because they will please us, but because they will frustrate us in familiar ways.

We marry the wrong people because the right ones feel wrong – undeserved; because we have no experience of health, because we don’t ultimately associate being loved with feeling satisfied.

I don't think it's always overt abuse in childhood, either. I had a happy childhood but the patterns I repeated in my first few relationships were relationships where I cared a lot more than the person I was in the relationship with did. If I was going to go all amateur psychologist on myself, I'd make the immediate connection, looking back, to my absent, uninterested father.

Yes - that makes a lot of sense. My father was absent and my dm and step dad had a volatile relationship. So I've looked for drama in my relationships. But maybe therapy will eventually help, who knows.