should you tell someone their partner cheated?

[mytitiferssungtheirsong]

I am asking this mainly for curiosity as opinion seems quite divided whenthis qquestion comes up on MN. However I am also in the position of knowing someone cheated on someone else and not sure what to do. Can't decide if it's helpful to let someone know they're with a horrible person or keep out of their business.

What are your thoughts and if you did tell someone, what happened?

I've done it before and probably wouldn't again. The woman believed her husband's lies, I lost a friend who probably thought I was meddling. Felt like the right thing at the time but I'd think long and hard before getting involved like that again.

how well do you know them all?

One of my friends cheated on her boyfriend. It felt awkward each time I met him.

He ended up cheating on her, she never came clean and they are still together. Pretty fucked up in my opinion.

I would never have told him personally.

I think it depends on how well you know the person. If I'd told him my friendship with her would be over, as she told me in confidence.

I think someone needs to know they are being lied and cheated on and that their health is potentially at risk.

I have told a male friend. It was bloody hard and he no longer talks to me.

I also have a friend who slept with an in her words 'very nice man' while his wife was miscarrying. Asked her how she thought that was a nice bloke.

I wouldn't unless the person being cheated on was a close friend, and would simply be factual about what I had seen or heard.

Only if very close friend I think and probably only if it was an ongoing thing..

I think if the person being cheated in was a very very close friend (and I knew they would want to know) I might feel duty bound to tell.

Otherwise, no way. Other people's relationships not my business.

I did...

I knew the husband had cheated before - 10 years previously - been found out and they'd worked through it.

I told the wife - absolute devastation - she told him not to come back - he moved straight in with the ow. His older kids won't talk to him, he even had to give away the dog.

I was friends with him not the wife via a sports club. He used to tell me how they hated each other, slept with a bolster down the middle of the bed etc but he was staying with her till the youngest was 18 then was going to leave anyway. He confessed that he'd used prostitutes in the past.

She wrote an article for a website about whirlwind romances - he linked to it and took the piss. It was really touching - she obviously loved him to bits. Then I found out he was cheating with a mutual friend.

I told her about the affair - turned out he'd propositioned loads of people and had bragged about it to any of the blokes who would listen.

He's an utter arsehole - I've been avoiding him but he still emails me occasionally telling me his troubles. I forward them to the ow - she doesn't reply.

I'm still not sure whether I did the right thing - I blew the wife's world apart when I barely know the woman - I'd only met her about 3 times.

I thought they'd stay together because they'd worked through it before. Good for her for chucking him out and making his life a misery - but would she have been better off living in blissful ignorance?

Out of the people who know him, most think she deserved to know the truth. Three people have told me I shouldn't have told her because of the affect on the family.

Hand on heart my motives were good but maybe it was a mistake.

No, it's not your place tell them.
If it was someone very close, I would possibly tell the cheater that I knew and that they needed to get their act together.

Ok - honest question - not trying to justify my actions but obviously there's a connection: For those of you who think it's 'not your place' to tell - don't you think that if we all told then these people wouldn't get away with it? Maybe even be so worried about the consequences of their actions that they'd be less likely to cheat in the first place?

I think if its an acquaintance, no problem, because there's nothing to lose.

Really good friends are the hardest. I would still do it but would have had practiced conversations before doing it. And I couldn't live with myself or look them in the eyes if I didn't.

I'm in the Id rather know camp.

I have told several friends. I always end up as the baddie,but such is my disgust for people who cheat,i take it on the chin. Fuck i hate people who cheat.

I did, inadvertently, once. I had asked a mutual friend if the couple split up because I had saw him making out with another girl at a bar.

So the girlfriend asked me to confirm it, I did, but she didn't believe me anyway. They got married and divorced after 2 years.

She and I still talk, but we're not close anymore.

I told someone, she believed me.

would always tell my friends but only if i was completely sure.

I would want to know so I'd do there the courtesy of knowing do that they are empowered to make their own choices, rather than having no choices because they don't know.

IMHO that knowledge is invaluable do even if I'm going to get shot as the messenger it'd be worth it and I'd be selfless and put the wronged person ahead of my own feelings.

I had another strange experience... a chap I know was very interested in me around the time I was splitting up from my husband. I declined going out with him because I was still living under the same roof etc. He subsequently started seeing someone else - she's lovely and I've become friends with her too.
Then the other day she dropped into the conversation that it's their 3rd anniversary shortly. So now I know he was sniffing around me when he'd been seeing her about 6 months. They seem really settled and happy now so of course I won't say anything - nothing happened anyway.

YES

Unless it's perhaps family or a very close friend I'd say no, it's really not your business.

I did once, close friend, I was certain. She believed me and left him. Thanked me then and since.

I probably wouldn't tell but have never been in this situation and suspect my decision would depend on the circumstances

I think I would only consider telling if it was someone I knew reasonably well as otherwise you would have no idea if the cheated on partner already knew and was choosing to turn a blind eye

I wouldn't - it's nothing to do with me what other people do with their life.

I'd want to be told.

It would depend on the circumstances and whether I were closer to the cheater or cheatee.

If it were a one off at the start of a relationship, if there were genuine remorse, possibly not. I think my starting point would always be to encourage the cheater to be honest.

It's not a burden I'd be happy to carry and I hold immensely strong opinions on fidelity, so I doubt anyone who knows me would take me into their confidence on such an issue