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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Big argument last night was it me?

51 replies

flux500 · 24/01/2015 10:22

We are going away for the weekend with the children to a hotel. We are driving through a large city that has a few shops that aren't in our local town. dp wanted to go to one of these shops and also the apple ship and I thought while he was doing that I could look in some of the shops too. I didn't actually say this is what I had planned as it really was if time allows etc but I didn't see it as something that needed to be explicitly said.

so obviously with us having these few hours before we arrive at the hotel means we have to be up at a decent time.

We are also going out for dinner and I have booked a posh place dp didn't even bother looking at restaurants so I booked one and sent him the link to look at at the start of this week. He said it looked great.

The argument starts when I ask him what he's wearing and he says jeans. now this restaurant is not a jeans kind of place and he knew this because I had mentioned earlier in the week how he may like to get his suit trousers pressed. anyway I said that I think the trousers are more suitable and he goes off on one that 'I don't know him at all'. now he's had lots of opportunity to tell me the restaurant is too posh and he wanted something more relaxed.

He then starts on that tomorrow morning is going to be all about me and I'm so selfish wanting to 'drag him around the shops for hours'.

I tried to stop the argument and walked away and and said we need to calm down. After 10 mons he came upstairs and started on at me again how selfish I am. I said it's not all about you! What is the problem?!

It quickly escalated to him grabbing me by the wrists hard and throwing me on the bed, then getting right in my face shouting at me. I pushed him off and scratched him and started to cry. He says it's all my fault that the weekend away is ruined and now obviously I don't want to go but am wondering if I'm being childish.

Please I need some perspective on last night's events please help! Sad

OP posts:
UncrushedParsley · 24/01/2015 10:27

That's not just an argument that's domestic violence. Never an excuse for that. Can't see how you caused the argument and sounds like he was spoiling for a row. Has this happened before?

CockBollocks · 24/01/2015 10:28

I would tell him to stay at home and take the children away for the weekend.

JeanSeberg · 24/01/2015 10:31

Up to the point where I read about the violence I though he's a grown man, let him wear what he wants.

My advice is cancel the weekend away, phone the police and get him out of the house.

Figster · 24/01/2015 10:35

Go without him!!

seriously does he have form for this type of thing?

GoldfishCrackers · 24/01/2015 10:36

The violence and intimidation are shocking. Has this sort of thing happened before? I was struck reading your account that you don't seem shocked by it.

inlectorecumbit · 24/01/2015 10:37

Yep the weekend with him is off, He assaulted you.
Regardless of who or how the argument started he raised his hands to you--game over Sad

flux500 · 24/01/2015 10:42

Yes this has happened before but usually he tells me it was my fault for pushing his buttons.

This time though I didn't push his buttons I just wanted the argument to stop it was so silly after all and I kept saying we are going around in circles here can you tell me what the actual problem is? He said it wasn't the jeans thing it was that I had deliberately not told him I wanted to look round the shops if time permitted and I said I didn't think I needed to give him a blow by blow timed agenda for tomorrow where I wanted to go and for what amount of time etc.

OP posts:
GraysAnalogy · 24/01/2015 10:48

These topics always start with a petty argument in which I think he has a point' then the bombshell gets dropped 'oh and he hit me'.

The physical violence should be the main issue here. I do think you were being a bit childish about his choice of clothes but that is absolutely no excuse for him to do what he did.

iklboo · 24/01/2015 10:51

If the restaurant has a dress code he can't wear what he wants, grown man or not. Unless he wants to get turned away at the door. Even so, would it kill him to dress up for dinner once in a while? I doubt the OP demands a full tux every time they go out.

And it's ok for him to 'drag' you round the shops he wants to go to, but you're not allowed to do something YOU want to do?

The domestic violence is the deal breaker. He stewed on the row & came up and attacked you, took you unawares as well.

There's more red flags here than on a parade in Beijing.

flux500 · 24/01/2015 10:55

But grays he didn't hit me. He grabbed me and threw me on the bed.

Did he expect me to sit stoicly on a bench and wait for to finish all his errands?

I did say to him let's cancel the restaurant and go somewhere else as honestly I don't really care it was one that was recommended so I went for it. It's a private members club. smart jeans would be ok but dp wears his American style as in dropped low below the waist underwear showing. really not the kind of place for that look.

OP posts:
BathtimeFunkster · 24/01/2015 11:01

Grabbing you and throwing you around is still physical violence.

Do you imagine it's preferable to hitting?

He was using his greater strength to physically punish you.

And it wasn't the first time.

What are you going to do now?

I hope it doesn't involve this bully you live with.

FeckTheMagicDragon · 24/01/2015 11:03

God, I'd leave him for wearing jeans that way - never mind being an aggressive bullying poor excuse of a man.

If you cancled the weekend what would happen? Is that actually what he wants?

Actually scratch that. He's abusive, think you need to think about getting support to leave.
And from how you explain things it's not you, it really is him.

JeanSeberg · 24/01/2015 11:06

Have you cancelled the weekend away yet?

You need to think of the effect all this is having on your kids. Sorry that you're having to face that thought. Do you have a close friend or family member you can confide in?

53Dragon · 24/01/2015 11:11

I started reading your op feeling that you were unreasonable to push the point about wearing jeans. Also that walking away from an argument isn't a valid way of defusing the situation - it's quite a passive aggressive act.

So I was all prepared to get on my high horse and tell you that you were unreasonable... until I read your account of his reaction. Press his buttons all you like - domestic violence is never acceptable. You wound him up for sure but he's a twat and needs to stop this behaviour right now or you should leave him.

Sorry op Thanks

PatriciaHolm · 24/01/2015 11:12

He was physically abusive to you. He doesn't have to knock you out with a roundhouse to the head for it to be unacceptable abuse.

And he's done it before? Get out, out as soon as you can. This kind of behaviour escalates; he knows he can get away with it. It's absolutely fuck all to do with you "pushing his buttons"; a normal grown man can have a conversation, even an argument, without letting himself resort to violence. He's a danger to you and your children.

Finola1step · 24/01/2015 11:18

So it's happened before "but you pushed his buttons". It happened this time when you had gone upstairs - possibly modifying your behaviour so as not to anger him.

He follows you and uses his physical strength to intimidate you and punish you for your decisions and choices. He stewed in the original argument and made a conscious decision to teach you a lesson.

Get out. This will likely escalate over time.

Pastmyduedate0208 · 24/01/2015 11:21

God and he wants to look like a naff rapper too... Seriously. I expect you deserve better. Cancel the trip to London and tell him to do one.

Finola1step · 24/01/2015 11:24

Oh and let me be very clear. "Pushing his buttons" is the stock excuse used to absolve responsibility.

My buttons get pushed from time to time. I get frustrated and angry at situations and even other people. I never, ever react in a violent manner.

I bet he doesn't behave like this towards work colleagues who "push his buttons".

What happens if your dc "push his buttons?"

Penguinsaresmall · 24/01/2015 11:24

So sorry op, this wasn't a 'big argument', this was his latest act of domestic violence Sad

And you asking 'was it me?' Shows he's already done a pretty good number of grinding you down into thinking it's all your fault...

Please talk to somebody about thus and at the very least start thinking about making your exit plan. Do you have friends/family in RL who are close by?

alabastergirl · 24/01/2015 11:25

He is abusive, aggressive and intimidating. Domestic violence isn't just about being punched.

Has he ground you down so far that you think this is your fault? Because it really isn't.

I would be calling Women's Aid and the police if I were you.

KatOD · 24/01/2015 11:27

I'm with the others as dress codes are irritating.... But his reaction is absolutely unacceptable and he needs to realise this now. Take the kids away for the weekend to get away from this abusive man and make it very clear why you're going (ie argument you we're prob both at fault, physical violence was all down to him and can never happen again).

Fuck "pushing his buttons" he's an adult, show some control and respect.

havemercy · 24/01/2015 11:27

It sounds to me like he created a situation where he could attack you.

He knew that if 'he' was going to be looking in shops, then it would be quite reasonable for you to look in shops too.

He knew that you had made a booking for a 'posh' restaurant so it was reasonable that a person would dress up for it.

He created an argument, out of reasonable events, so that he could attack you.

He wanted to attack you.

Sorry op Flowers

havemercy · 24/01/2015 11:31

I disagree that you pushed his buttons. I think you are used to 'walking on eggshells' and questioning your every move so that you don't upset him.

He wanted to attack you. He didn't want you to enjoy the weekend away. He wants you fearful and questioning your every move.

Finola1step · 24/01/2015 11:31

I may well have got this wrong. Please tell me Flux that this isn't the man who wanted to pursue a particular career? I only ask because I have a vague recollection and if I'm right, this situation could be very dangerous for you.

magoria · 24/01/2015 11:35

The dress code may be irritating but he knew about it and had even discussed getting his suit pressed. He had plenty of time to say he would have preferred to go elsewhere like a reasonable human.

He wanted to look around x and y shops however OP is in the wrong for wanting to do the same.

She walked away as there was no chance of resolution. He was determined to make her in the wrong.

He has also been physically abusive previously so staying in the same room while being blamed is not sensible.

He is a bastard who uses physical force to dominate his wife.

OP you and your DC deserve better.