Big argument last night was it me?

[flux500]

We are going away for the weekend with the children to a hotel. We are driving through a large city that has a few shops that aren't in our local town. dp wanted to go to one of these shops and also the apple ship and I thought while he was doing that I could look in some of the shops too. I didn't actually say this is what I had planned as it really was if time allows etc but I didn't see it as something that needed to be explicitly said.

so obviously with us having these few hours before we arrive at the hotel means we have to be up at a decent time.

We are also going out for dinner and I have booked a posh place dp didn't even bother looking at restaurants so I booked one and sent him the link to look at at the start of this week. He said it looked great.

The argument starts when I ask him what he's wearing and he says jeans. now this restaurant is not a jeans kind of place and he knew this because I had mentioned earlier in the week how he may like to get his suit trousers pressed. anyway I said that I think the trousers are more suitable and he goes off on one that 'I don't know him at all'. now he's had lots of opportunity to tell me the restaurant is too posh and he wanted something more relaxed.

He then starts on that tomorrow morning is going to be all about me and I'm so selfish wanting to 'drag him around the shops for hours'.

I tried to stop the argument and walked away and and said we need to calm down. After 10 mons he came upstairs and started on at me again how selfish I am. I said it's not all about you! What is the problem?!

It quickly escalated to him grabbing me by the wrists hard and throwing me on the bed, then getting right in my face shouting at me. I pushed him off and scratched him and started to cry. He says it's all my fault that the weekend away is ruined and now obviously I don't want to go but am wondering if I'm being childish.

Please I need some perspective on last night's events please help!

There are many non-issues here:

Dress code - You couldn't have made it plainer that the restaurant was not suitable for jeans, and by his own admission, he'd seen what kind of a place it was. So I don't get why any poster is having a go at you for not wanting him to wear jeans.

Different shopping destinations - In this day and age of mobile communications, the two of you heading off to different shops is a non-issue. (NB, that said, I think he picked a fight specifically so you'd all not go on this weekend)

The only issue is the violence. Dear gods, woman, it's the violence that he shows and you don't seem to actually see it for what it is.

I am genuinely scared for you.

Hold on a second everyone about the restaurant.

The OP chose the restaurant, yes, as he hadn't done anything about that and then emailed him the link to look at and he said it looked great. It's not the OP's decision as to whether he wears jeans - it's the restaurant's. He could've easily said, "Oh let's cancel that place and go somewhere more casual - I don't want to get dressed up." That's what a non-abusive man would say - he wouldn't get angry and start throwing his weight around.

Hold on a second everyone about the restaurant.

The OP chose the restaurant, yes, as he hadn't done anything about that and then emailed him the link to look at and he said it looked great. It's not the OP's decision as to whether he wears jeans - it's the restaurant's. He could've easily said, "Oh let's cancel that place and go somewhere more casual - I don't want to get dressed up." That's what a non-abusive man would say - he wouldn't get angry and start throwing his weight around.

this is nothing to do with restaurant, dress code or anything else that may be a slight to him on the day.

This is everything to do with him being an abuser - which is all his fault.

Let the bastard spend the weekend in a police station instead of a posh hotel. And when they get out he can enjoy working out what to do when his house keys don't work.

Nasty violent bullying twat. It will only get worse. LTB.

I, too, was 'grabbed and thrown across a bed' rather than hit. I came to my senses as I realised that, as I was landing on the floor the other side (he claimed he 'hadn't realised I was so light - wtaf?), my right temple was 2 inches from the corner of the bedside table. Sheer good luck saved me from a head injury. That and nothing else. Sheer good luck saved my ds from having a mother in hospital, potentially even brain damaged.

I left. The police were great - even got my cat away for me too. You really don't have to live like that. Please don't put your (and your dc's) future solely in the hands of 'good luck'. It's far, far too risky.

?when they let him out

Alabastergirl has a point, why are we making it about whether she was right to mention the dress code and walk away during an argument she knew was just going to escalate? He was abusive and his reaction to a totally innocent question was massively abusive and out of order in every way.

With respect, Your individual opinions about dress codes are somewhat irrelevant in this instance. This isn't "aibu to book a posh restaurant when my DP prefers to wear low slung jeans" this is about his inappropriate reaction to an innocent question.

I don't know about any of you, but if someone is being verbally abusive to me, the last thing I want to do is walk away. I want to fight my corner and resolve it there and then.

Walking away can be a hard thing to do and the person who needs that space should have that request respected.

I speak from painful experience. I hope the op is ok x

When I read the first part of your post I thought how typical. We often have these sorts of 'rows'. But then I got to the violence part. Of course you shouldn't tolerate this. Leave. He's a violent bully.

My FIL and GFIL used to hit their wives .I knew my Dh could be verbally abusive ,which I found upsetting , but I learnt to give as good as I got .In time he mellowed .I warned him before we married
that if he ever laid a finger on me I would be out of there so fast (taking any children we might have) he wouldn't see me for dust .It helped that I had a well paid job and could have proved financial input to house etc .He has never come close to hitting me .I agree with other posters . You either need to seek counselling together over anger management issues or you must to put plans in place to leave as it may escalate to the point where you and you DC are in danger
The violence blighted my DH childhood and obviously had an effect .I have DDs .Neither has problems controlling their temper.

OP, forgive me, I have looked at your other threads about this man and your relationship.

You don't nee perspective on last night's events - you need perspective on the whole nature of the relationship.

He is abusive.

He treats you like shit, he has no respect for you.

He is selfish, immature and irresponsible. And violent.

Blaming you all the time absolves him, in his mind, of his violence. While ever he does this he will continue to be violent and it will continue, and it will escalate.

Of course you are not being childish.

It's not about the weekend, it' about your whole life.

OP his behaviour is domestic abuse. It doesn't matter what started the 'argument' - it's what happened when he lost his temper that matters so much.
This will escalate. Abusers can be charming, loving, 'treat you like a princess'. His honeyed words asking for forgiveness may woo you. But it will happen again... and again...
Don't continue to be a victim. He's vile.

this has happened before but usually he tells me it was my fault for pushing his buttons.

Anyone who resorts to manhandling someone in temper even if not actually striking them is overstepping the mark. This was a row about shopping and dress code for restaurant, hardly life and death stuff. Does he always blow things out of proportion?

DCs can be frustrating and stretch our patience, if he is like this with you might he not overreact with them?

I think over time you have adapted to thinking, this is normal, this is how he is. Maybe you walk on eggshells a lot of the time without realising it.

Please read the posts on this thread and see how many say, oh, you are making a fuss, he was acting perfectly acceptably, get over yourself. None. Posters here are worried for you.

PS Following Finola1step's comment at 11:31;50, looking at your other threads you mentioned last year he was interested in pursuing a particular career, if he is the sort to feel frustrated by life and take things out on you before he even gets into that line of work he will be a ticking time bomb.

I have very reluctantly searched your previous threads. I'm now really concerned for your safety Flux. Please call Women's Aid.

Please do! WA are really good and they helped a friend of mine loads last year when she left her abusive DH

I, too, have now read some of your previous freds. And I'm amazed that I remember your fred about the Mi[L] with the towels and general interference.

Then there's the fred about "I'm to blame" and the one where DP wants you to fund his new iPhone when he keeps running short.

So let's add emotional and financial abuse.

How is all this settling down in your mind, flux?

Why is an adult with children wearing jeans like a teeager ffs?
He needs to grow up.

He treats you like shit, OP, why are you staying in such an abusive relationship?

1. You weren't pushing his buttons:

He had opportunities earlier in the week to tell you he wanted to go somewhere less formal. When he did tell you he wantes to wear jeans, you backed down. You tried to walk away, going to another room. I cannot see how you pushed his buttons.

1. All of 1. Above is irrelevant.

There's no excuse for assaulting you.

1. It was assault.

It doesn't have to be a punch. If a colleague/random stranger did that to you would you think it was ok?

You weren't pushing his buttons, he's deliberately started an argument with you with the intention of trying to justify his violence toward you or to get out of the weekend away. He's abusive.

And this cunt wants to be a copper? He needs stopping.

OP are you ok?

"And this cunt wants to be a copper? He needs stopping."

Oh good grief!

He sounds truly awful, OP.

I've just read your other thread where you say he hates being disrespected by other people. Sounds like so many abusive men in that respect is a one-way street. And him joining the police would be a frightening prospect for all of us.
OP he's a classic abuser. He's made you walk on eggshells and doubt that it's even abuse.
Call Womens aid.

Op , I really hope you have been Ok this weekend , I am guessing you went away as planned to avoid disappointing the children, to try and make things normal etc.

Just be aware now that you get to tell the story of your life, not him. Don't accept his version of events, the one where it is all your fault. Don't accept his story where he uses your Christmas money for his car and doesn't pay it back because in his story, he needs it more and you are mean. From now on, make sure you keep your story, your life, at the forefront of every decision you make.

I think this will help you see that you are not unreasonable , and he is emotionally, financially, and now physically abusive.
People need time to work out their own lives, it's hard to ask for sustained support on MN while you are doing that, but do keep asking for perspective and support.

Take care, and I hope you are OK: safe whatever you did this w/e.