Meeting Father

[solitudehappiness]

Meeting up with father I haven't seen for over ten years. Feeling a whole range of emotions, and aware I only have a week to sort this out before we meet.
Could really do with some advice on how to handle this please....

Anyone please?

i dont know solitude it would be hard to advise without knowing why you have not seen him for ten years, why you are meeting now, and how you feel about it all.

...or what your relationship was like with him before?

Dh met his Dad for the first time in 30 years about 2 years ago, the run up was very stressful but the actual meeting was very calm in some respects and very emotional in others.

Take things slow and keep your expectations down if you can.

I did lots of twatty things like making loads of cups of tea and kept offering biscuits to keep things moving and save any awkward silences!

2 years on from that day and everything is very natural with frequent weekly contact and lots of travelling to and from but i know Dh never expected it to work out that way.

Goodluck

Hi solitude, as pp said, it's hard to comment without knowing some background.

I recently met up with my father after 15 years. For me it was not a good meeting, although I'm glad I did it, as I now know for sure that I never want to see him again.

How was this meeting arranged?. Was any organisation like the Salvation Army involved?.

Did he try and contact to contact you in these intervening years; did he make an effort in terms of sending you cards and such like?. Did he know where you resided?. What does your mum think about this upcoming meeting with your dad?.

Have you really had an idealised version of him in your mind?. What if he does not match up to any expectations you have now?.

I would think about what you want to ask him and what you want to come out of such a meeting. It may well be that you or he may equally not want to see each other again. It may well be a very awkward occasion; it may well not be all hearts and roses around the door at all. I would have no expectations whatsoever, a father and daughter relationship may well ultimately not be possible. Hopefully he will be civil to you and answer your questions honestly and without rancour towards your mother.

I found a letter inviting my father to the next BNP meeting. I took it very badly. I have mixed race children. My brother saw the letter. I stopped talking to my father, saying I couldn't be around him with him holding such racist views. He lied to family members that it was a leaflet, and I was crazy etc
Younger sister, twin brother, and other brother all stopped talking to me, siding with him, saying I was crazy and horrible to him. He's manipulated them for years. Not seen younger sister for years too. she's gotten married and had children, and told me I could come the her wedding,but only if I started speaking to father again. he has such control.
I had counselling and decided to speak with father, and rang him before Christmas. and arranged to meet him by phone today for next week.
phew

You do not have to meet your dad at all and in the circumstances I would cancel it.

Your siblings are still in his grasp; he likely encouraged them not to talk to you precisely because you got away from his malign influence. It would not be in your interests to meet your younger sister either; she has her own reasons for acting as she is doing.

Are you sure that you really want to let him back into your life?....if so, why?

I know he is your Father, but he does not sound like a very nice person from your brief description.

You mention making the arrangements following counselling?....so I assume your Counsellor is aware of your intention to meet up with him again ?...

I don't feel comfortable meeting up with him at all. But, counsellor said I should put the past behind me. I'm still scared of him, as I didn't have a good childhood.
but, it's not healthy to hate forever. my older son will be with me, and my baby too.
Have so many mixed feelings, and hate him for cutting me off from family members for so long. our relationship will never be the same. hes manipulated and controlled them so much they support him, and have conveniently forgotten how horrible he was when we were younger. severe dv toward my mother. getting older sister to lie so he kept the house. he really is a jekyll and Hyde

You can put the past behind you without meeting him, you know.

I can't tell you what to do. Bringing my own personal experience into it I would say don't meet him. And definitely do not meet him with your children in tow.

He will not bring any happiness or joy into your life. Will he? What will he bring into your life?

Your counsellor is frankly rubbish and should be reported to their governing body if this person is a member of such. I would find another counsellor immediately and also one who has no familial bias about keeping families together despite the presence of mistreatment.

Putting the past behind you does not cut any ice at all when you are dealing with an emotionally abusive and controlling father like yours. He has been a father in name only and is really not worthy of the term. He has not fundamentally altered and meeting him at all will be a gross error of judgment on your part. Do you really want to expose your children to him. This man was invited to the next BNP meeting.

Some parents really do not deserve any access to their grandchildren and he is a case in point. There's bloody good reason you have not seen him this past decade and I would not see such a man at all now. You are still the scapegoat within his family of origin for his inherent ills and he has used the divide and conquer strategy here against you as well.

If you feel at all uncomfortable then no meeting should take place.

I agree with Atilla.

He won't have changed, so what do you expect to achieve from meeting?....

Its likey he may make a special effort to come across as nice for the first few visits, but someone who holds BNP views, made your childhood a misery and was violent to your mother is unlikely to suddenly be transformed.

Think it through very carefully. I agree its not good to hold onto hate (your words) but I also think you are right to be anxious and concerned about meeting again- remember WHY you have been out of contact with him for so long in the first place.

As Urchin said you can put the past behind you without having to meet him!

If you go ahead with this meeting, make sure it is in an neutral place. A cafe or something. Keep it to a short cup of coffee or something and arrange it for a time when you have childcare so you don't have to take them there.

Keep neutral when you talk to him, keep calm. In your shoes I would find it extremely hard to trust him becuase he is a manipulator.

Write down your feelings ahead of time - anger, hurt, disapproval, maybe even love - and put them in your handbag. Write down specific incidents. And at the bottom, write down Calm, Careful, Neutral. If you find yourself getting charmed, go to the toilet and take out that list, re-read it and take a few breathes until you can go back to being calm, careful and neutral.

At worst, you can cut the coffee short if you feel that you can't handle it any more.

And yes, change your counsellor.

Last thing .. I don't know what forgiveness is very well. But what I do know is that if you forgive someone, that does NOT mean you have to walk back into a damaging situation. Not that you've talked of forgiveness here, but not walking back into a damaging situation still applies.

I can't see what you have to gain from meeting him.

On the reverse I can see a problem with exposing your children to him.

If you do meet, I would take a (calm) friend and not your children.

Make sure you are in neutral territory and be prepared to leave if you are made to feel controlled or uncomfortable.

That said, I wouldn't meet him.

If you do want some reconciliation from your post that would be with your siblings and not him. So I'd start there and slowly with letters/phone calls rather than face to face.

Best of luck

When I phoned him before Christmas I told him how disappointed I was in his behaviour. how he never approved of me growing up. Told him when I went to uni, was first and only one of his children, and all he could say was 'ever since you went to uni mixing with all those left wingers, lesbians and feminists you've changed'. I also told him how sad it is that he had such control over adult children that they can not talk or connect with me.
it hurts so much that I'm disconnected. my older sister doesn't have anything to do with him or other siblings. other sister moved to other side of the world, but speaks to him, and he visits.
I really dont know what to do

Oh op you have my sympathies. I can understand your counsellor suggesting you meet him for some closure but you need to tread carefully IMO. I am no longer in contact with my father, after our last attempt I decided to end things. When we did try, I met him and after the pleasantries I read him a note that I had written out for myself of all the things I wanted to say to him.

I told him of the immense hurt that I felt at his behaviour and how it had affected me. I told him that I loved him, I forgave him but that I didn't understand his actions (repeatedly disowning myself and three brothers for various reasons) and the one life lesson he had taught me was that I would never treat my children the way he had treated me. Needless to say there were a lot of tears and eventually after about a year of recriminations and dredging the past up, I called it quits.

So although we are nc, I know in my heart that I have tried my hardest with him, it's sad how it has turned out but I have accepted it for what it is.

I don't think you should bring your children with you to your meeting. I think you need to do this for you, tell him how you feel, see how he responds and take it from there. But be prepared for him to have NOT changed. It sounds like he hasn't. Keep your expectations low. I wish you well.

Attila, as far as I can see op said she has had counselling and decided to contact her father,the counsellor said she needed to put the past behind her, I don't see why this would need to be reported to the counsellors governing body? Unless I've missed something?

You don't know what to do because YOU can't make him the father you want him to be....

You can't change him or his reaction to your academic success and choice of partner.

So perhaps stop trying?

You can control the exposure your children have to such a toxic person and feel proud that YOU have broken the pattern and raised the next generation of your family free from his malicious attitude.

I think in my heart of hearts, the only reason I'm meeting him is it want to see my younger sister again. we used to be so close
but, my heart isn't in it at all. I'll never be able to trust him, and wouldn't leave my children alone with him. I'm so confused

I really feel for you. What an awful situation.

I wouldn't give him the time of day. I really wouldn't.

Could you contact your sister and try to make amends? Have you tried in the past?

I did yes. emailed her a link showing father on BNP members list. she replied that she didn't give a shit, was giving birth in 5 days, and to leave her alone

Solitude It sounds to me sadly that it may not be worthwhile to meet. Your sister has made her position clear.

My story is different but I am now much happier not be in contact with my toxic mother or my sister who has totally supported her. Its really sad but I feel much better. And it lets you move on and have close relationships with other poeple who are healthier for you.

Are you in contact with your older sister?

Could it be that you emailed her at a really bad time, and she didn't feel in the right place to talk about it (could she have been having a difficult pregnancy / relationship problems or something)

I'm in contact with my two older sisters. We're quite close. One of them speaks to him, the other one doesn't. I've had a sleepless night thinking about it.
I know if I cancel our meeting, I'll get a barrage of abuse from siblings that don't speak to me. That I'm a f'ing bitch etc. I've already had text messages saying I'm odd, that he tried reconcile, but as I wouldn't let him stay over (severe alcoholic) I'm not his sister anymore. And from speaking to him, he's very much on my fathers side. Speaking of how I was out of order for not speaking to him for years, how its affected him.
Younger sister has been asking about me, if I mention her etc. I speak with my nephew, her eldest son.