Meeting Father

[solitudehappiness]

Meeting up with father I haven't seen for over ten years. Feeling a whole range of emotions, and aware I only have a week to sort this out before we meet.
Could really do with some advice on how to handle this please....

I can't see why you're bothering as your so sure that nothing will change afterwards, and you don't want him back in your life anyway.

If it's about your sister can't you just write to her, making sure she has all your contact details and leave it for her to get in touch if she wants to?

Since speaking with him in December and again yesterday, I've not had good feelings about meeting up with him. He plays mind games constantly, and I now know, I don't want to be a part of that. And, I certainly don't want to subject my children to it either.
Not looking forward to the barrage of abuse that'll most definitely come my way, but I'm prepared for it, and can chose to ignore it.
My younger sister knows my address, she sends Birthday and Christmas cards every year. And she was the one who betrayed my trust and gave my address to my father.

If you get a barrage of messages, keep calm and reply "it's my decision, I'm not prepared to discuss it"

It helps a lot in this sort of awful situation if you plan how to handle the unpleasant responses. You know what will happen, you know what to expect and you have an idea how to deal with it.

I don't think you should go to this meeting when you don't want to, justs because you've been pressured into it.

In the end it's your decision and you're entitled to it.

It's a very difficult thing to do, solitude, but I would not keep pushing with the siblings who want contact only if you'll be in contact with your father. Let them come to you, and if they raise the subject of your father say "can we not discuss it please".

Your MN name is not perhaps uncoincidental?

solitude, I am sorry that you are going through this. I'm another one who thinks that you are free not to see him if you choose that. What is the real value of having him in your life? He doesn't sound very kind or in any way supportive of you.

If you want to see your younger sister again, then you can tell her that you would like to see her. Then, it's up to her. If she chooses not to then that is her choice, but you've done what you can.

It sounds like there is a lot of unhealthy, manipulative behaviour going in, with little respect for you. My rule of thumb is only keep in touch with those who are prepared to treat you with respect. That's it.

Op, re your siblings giving you a hard time if you cancel the meeting, what myself and my three brothers have agreed between us is that my relationship (or non relationship) with my father has nothing to do with either my relationship with any of my three brothers, or their relationship with my father. We are all adults and we respect each other's decisions re my father, we mightn't necessarily agree with it, but we do our best not to undermine each other. As the only people who know what our childhoods were like, it's so important that we support each other. Maybe you could suggest something similar with your siblings? Your brother sounds like he is very angry about things, what difference does it make to him whether or not you are in contact with your father? If your father is whinging to him about it, then your brother needs to tell him to stop as its nothing to do with him. I think you've made your decision and are prepared for the fallout but I think it's a shame you and your siblings cannot respect each other's decisions re this.

As I've not been in contact for over ten years, and left the place I grew up over 22 years ago, I can see the manipulation father has over my other siblings. I've distanced myself as i couldn't take it anymore. The control etc.

Siblings can't see him for what he is, or are too scared. Maybe they don't want to be cut off like I am? I have no idea.

I've tried to approach of we're all adults and if I decide to not speak to him, we should just agree to disagree. They disagree, and I'm a bitch, got problems, need sectioning etc etc. All coming from father of course.

I just need to realise I can't change their minds, and certainly can't change my father, or try and pretend that he will ever the father I would like him to be.

And solitudehappiness username is very poignant to me yes. Although I feel extremely lonely at times, Christmas and birthdays etc. More so as I'm a twin. I'm learning to enjoy my own company.
The hard thing is trying to explain to people, why I don't have contact with my family. Some think your weird, others think you've done something wrong.
So, I chose who I tell the truth to....

But I know that I'm happy not to have to watch every word I say, know I can't be bought, and also know that I'm totally in control of my life and that of my children's. I'm protecting them, and certainly don't want my children to have the childhood I had.........

I think from what he said about you in that last phone call you are wasting your time.

You can give up any hate and close the past without meeting him.

I would consider that phone call and his comments as your meeting.

He hasn't changed he is still a BNP wanker.

Send your siblings a message saying you love them and leave the ball in their courts.

Any abuse block their numbers.

My interpretation of putting things behind you, is accepting things and people for what and who they are.

Your reasons for meeting him are from clear. What are you expecting from the meeting? You've already said your peace in your phone call. Is there still a part of you that thinks he will be different, if not, why poke the hornets nest? What work have you done with your therapist to prepare for such a meeting?

solitude you have a lot of courage. And perception. It takes so much to break away from inward sticky dynamics like your family's.

It also means you are probably the healthiest of them all.

About other people. There was a thread on here a while ago and some great answers. One option is "it's complicated" or "we aren't in close contact". For people that you wish to explain a little bit more to, someone had the idea of saying that "not everyone is nice, and when those people become parents the children have parents who are not very nice". Could add that you have the welfare of the children to think of and ensuring they grow up in a loving environment is your most important thing.

btw, if your siblings are saying you need sectioning (!) you are absolutely right to distance yourself. They are not your friends.

I feel this is a bad idea. Any counsellor who has advised you to do this is daft IMHO. They all sound toxic, do you really think it's a good idea to let these people back into your life, especially your fascist dad?

Thank you all so very much for your messages. Reading through them, has given me lots of food for thought.
I rang my father today, luckily it went to ansaphone. I told him I wouldn't be able to make our meeting, and that I'd be in touch when I was able to make it.
Afterwards I felt such relief, knowing I won't have to see him. I don't know if I'll ever be ready to see him, and considering he's in his 70's, I may never see him again.
Its so hard being estranged from ones family, but, my goodness, I only have to tell myself why, and I know I've made the right decision.
Phew....

Good for you

Well done.
That sense of relief tells you you've done the right thing

It sounds like you've done absolutely the right thing for you.

Just coming on to say well done. You have absolutely done the right thing. This man does not deserve one second more of your time.

Send emails / letters to your siblings, telling them you love them and want a relationship with them. Then the ball is in their court.

Good luck xx

Christ, these are stacking up, have another bunch from me.

Well done and good luck.

You have all really cheered me up with your good wishes and flowers. I've never thought of myself as having courage. I miss not having a family, but, realise I don't need a toxic one.
I've also realised I've been angry for quite a long time, and I'm learning to live one day at a time, and to appreciate what I have. Simple things like taking dd to the park and kicking the leaves, and jumping in puddles, or laughing at dd calling penguins 'pligaloo'. Makes me realise I'm fortunate

@ pligaloo

Just think about exposing your DD to that toxic man. Awful!!

I hope you are getting on OK - and not having any wobbles about your decision

xx

Not having any wobbles about my decision. Have changed my phone numbers.
Know I've made the right decision. It's really un-nerved me getting back in contact with him though. brought back a lot of negative memories etc,

Really glad to hear you haven't had any wobbles. Keep it up!

When I finally decided that I didn't want anything to do with my father, I felt so liberated and calm and at peace. I hope you can feel that too, now.

Thank you Urchin for your words and sharing too.
Really glad you feel at peace with yourself, and I'm sure I'll be the same too pretty soon xx

Glad to hear you've reached a decision that gives you relief.

If you ever meet up with him in the future, may I suggest that you don't take your DC, take a trusted friend instead. Someone to give you support and can be a buffer between you, I wouldn't like to put DC in that position.