What causes a young boy to turn into an abusive man

[Catzeyess]

It seems like in most cases men end up being abusive (rather than women) and I was wondering why that is the case.

Boys are not born into the world intrinsically abusive and so what goes wrong in their upbringing that makes so many men behave like this, whereas it's much less common (as I understand it) for women to be abusive.

I really don't believe men are inherently more abusive than women. Yet in practise they seem to be.

So what do people think is going wrong in these guys lives that turns them into vile human beings, who think they can behave the way they do. And more importantly what can we do as a society to help prevent this.

Men however are "taught" to be above women.

I have not said it was right. We are asking the question why here.

Tinks, if your last post was to me, my comment was to Boney.

I agree with you.

"FolkGirl"
*For both genders it's about control. I do think the triggers/motivations are different for men and women, but neither is more acceptable or less damaging than the other."

I agree

Tinks42
"A volcano erupts."

This would only explain some of the abuse, a flair up or single isolated incident. what about those that abuse (mentally or physically) over a period of time.

I think that for men, it's about maintaining a privileged position; not being challenged and ensuring they can continue behaving how they want whilst making sure those around them also behave how they (the men) want.

For women, I think it's about kicking against the pricks; about finding a man who is 'weak' enough for her to mete out a punishment against all men; and, as Tinks says, someone asserting tgemselves and taking it too far.

No it wasnt to you at all Folk. I apologise if you thought it was.

To Boney... we are asking where it comes from and Im saying its a life time of gender "putting down" im not saying its right or smart. I want to cry sometimes where I see young girls "trying" to act like "lads" and getting it very wrong, the "lads" need to realise that we are not an underspecies.

There are however the truly evil. That is another thread entirely.

And the reason I think it's more prevalent in men is because there are more men who regard themselves as superior to women than there are women who feel able to try and gain some control.

Im with you there folk 100 percent.

No problem, Tinks. Just thought I hadn't expressed myself clearly enough :)

I agree with what you said about girls too. Being a girl/woman is amazing. We don't need to behave like the worst examples of men. We're ace as we are!

Perhaps that's also it. Women see that being abusive works for men and are just following a tried and tested model.

tinks
"Im saying its a life time of gender "putting down" im not saying its right or smart"
Folk and Tinks
"someone asserting themselves and taking it too far."

But it does attempt put a noble edge to it though.

There are however the truly evil. That is another thread entirely.

I'm not sure that it is another thread.

And I do agree with folk about the men who abuse. Even the women who see that it works for men so copy.

personally, IMHO, I think that as we see more equality we will see more abuse from women, because that side of women has been suppressed.

"They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra just for you."

Nuff said (and respect to Mr Larkin)

I hope it's not putting a noble face on it. Women behaving like the worst examples of men? Hardly something to aspire to. I was just trying to explain how I think that the reason is the same: control, but that the underlying cause is different. I certainly don't think it's acceptable on any level.

I really hope you're wrong about abuse increasing in line with equality. Surely we should be aiming for respect between the sexes; men being allowed to show their emotions in healthier ways and an increased sense if fairness.

Another example of how feminism should benefit the whole society (men and women).

folk

Its more "the oppressed rising up" type of thing, (badly worded on my part).

Excuses have been found for DV and DA for many many years and I for one would like all DV and DA to be seen for want it truly is. (and I realize that there could be many causes for it)

I really hope you're wrong about abuse increasing in line with equality.

So do I but from the position I am in it doesn't look that way

Surely we should be aiming for respect between the sexes; men being allowed to show their emotions in healthier ways and an increased sense if fairness.

Once again I agree.

On all honesty I agree with you Boney about what we will see, human nature depicts that. I would like to think that wont happen but I can certainly see it.

in...

Actually, I think you're both right.

It is human nature that once people are elevated into a position where they are more privileged, or have some control, they will do whatever it takes to maintain that position.

Very right Folk... Ive seen many studies where this is the case. There is never one thing that depicts a behaviour and put in a scenario we are all capable of terrible things.

The only thing someone can do in a volatile situation is to remove yourself from it.

My ex was in a bad accident and ended up with a T3 break, hence a wheelchair. The anger was a scale 10, he actually used to froth at the mouth. I had to remove myself from this situation.

That is the bottom line. Remove yourself. Whether they work it out or not, you need to not put up with it no matter how or why it came about.

Apologies if I have stopped the thread, Im pretty private and that just "sprang out" doesnt mean that everything else isnt valid.

I don't think it's possible to ever answer this. Even within abuse there are so many different types. The most obvious is the violent loss of control but what about the emotional abuser who wears his or her partner down! While men might be the more common physical abuser how many women could be accused of the latter ?

Tinks well done for getting out!

I suspect more women are guilty of emotional abuse than physical. And I suspect many wouldn't recognise it as that either. A lot of women do it to regain control when they think their bf/partner is looking at other women/might be cheating, or whatever, to manage their partner's behaviour without realising that the correct course of action is to leave the relationship.

A lot of abusers don't identify as such. Partly because they wouldn't, who would? But also because most abusers, of any flavour, are ultimately focused on making themselves feel good, or at least less bad. I don't think they often consider the impact on the other person. They are rather inadequate.

This is a 3 tiered thing I think.

A person in pain and hitting out to an unacceptable level. The answer is get out.

A man (due to society) that thinks a woman is an underclass. The answer is get out.

A woman that is sick of this type of treatment or thinks that acting like a man to gain control... The answer is get out.

Trying to "help" an abusive person doesnt work. Its not because you cant see that hurt, you need to get out. Primarily for you, secondly because the abuser will never see it as unacceptable until you do.

Of course there are a trillion other scenarios.

The bottom line is. Leave an abuser, no matter why or how it came about..... LEAVE.

A person that needs or wants to abuse will escalate this.

The more you try to help the more they will hate you due to hating themselves. The more you appease the angrier they are with themselves and project.

You cannot change this. You cannot be "better" or "quieter" or "more understanding" they have already seen you as a punch bag for their anger, they see you as weak and hate that in themselves, therefore they will go further and further until it ends in you either dead or very very damaged.

My advice is and always will be GET OUT.

Blimey, did I end the debate