What causes a young boy to turn into an abusive man

[Catzeyess]

It seems like in most cases men end up being abusive (rather than women) and I was wondering why that is the case.

Boys are not born into the world intrinsically abusive and so what goes wrong in their upbringing that makes so many men behave like this, whereas it's much less common (as I understand it) for women to be abusive.

I really don't believe men are inherently more abusive than women. Yet in practise they seem to be.

So what do people think is going wrong in these guys lives that turns them into vile human beings, who think they can behave the way they do. And more importantly what can we do as a society to help prevent this.

The abusive men I've known have all had strange home lives - either abusive or being completely idolised as the 'golden child'.

I do think that the fact that their is no socially acceptable way for boys over the age of 5 to display negative emotions (fighting considered more acceptable than tears for example) and that any sign of weakness / sensitivity tends to be derided doesn't help.

Barbarian yes, my brother was the golden child.

He is an abusive man. Generally only verbally, but growing up he was physically abusive too. I don't know if he still is.

Some believe that gender inequality is the root cause of male abuse towards women.

The book 'Why does he do that?' explores this idea. Eg, when women don't behave in the way they should, this makes a certain type of man angry and abusive.

www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656

I am convinced that it is all down to upbringing. I have not known many violent men, but those I have all had violent fathers or unusual upbringings. The very worst one was the only son of a widow who idolised him. Consequently, he could not bear to be thwarted in any way. It made him a pig to work with and he must have been hell to live with. Thankfully, so far as I know, he has no children.

I think it's more mothers who indulge the 'golden child son'.
And this generation is making that worse. Mothers turning themselves ragged getting children to every sports/ballet etc class they want etc. the child is more important than any parents wishes.
God forbid mothers should say no to their children!!
We are only setting ourselves up for all these children to be completely entitled and a fine line between that and abusive.

Well it would be women's fault, right.

No it's society saying you must be in control. Not every boy can be and the anger and rage is internalised and comes out against someone close.

Yes but posts above are saying men because abusive due to women not bringing up their sons properly.

Parenting is for both mothers and fathers, last time I checked.

The sexism is part of the problem here.

I agree with you, it's not mothers.

It's everyone who reinforces society's more unequal expectations.

Agreed.

And it's not difficult to see how people turn anger onto women when women don't do they're 'meant' to do.

I think its a bit of a daft question as it's too general and the answer in any given case will be specific.

It's like asking why so many women have weight issues and are overweight...

• their mother was anorexic
• a teacher in their gym class told them they were fat when they were 6 yrs old
• they love food and are lazy
• they feel that they want to hide and subconciously choose to be unattractive
• both their parents were fat and overate; they grew up overeating and see that as normal
• a medical condition

etc etc

So broadly you could break it down into categories - nature/nuture/choice (Subconcious or otherwise)/psychiatric issues - but the answer will vary widely and the true cause in any given case would usually be a combination.

I know someone who worked in a DV unit and he said that (obviously not a universal rule and there are always exceptions) that male domestic violence was far more common in men who are uneducated and in lower socio-economic groups and emotional abuse in educate/higher socio-economic groups. His view was that it was because (Say) in an argument, if an angry and abusive man is losing and can't win, a solution is to land a punch. Whereas an educated man knows that he can cause far more damage being emotionally abusive than he ever could with physical violence and has the ability to "win" in that way. I'm not saying this is my view and I'm sure that there are plenty of reverse examples in both social groups - but I suspect there is some truth in it.

A patriarchal society makes victim of men and women. Too many boys are raised to fit into a twisted vision of masculinity. I do believe that some people will turn out that way regardless, but more often than not it's down to the examples they're set, either by family, peers or society generally.

Not a dig in any way, but is your basic premis correct? Are men more abusive than women? (common sense tells me that in the sense of physical abuse this must certainly be true, but in the wider sense of abuse?)

I'm sure sociologists on here can probably answer?

Im with gender inequality here which is in every corner of our society.

People become abusive because they've discovered over the years that it gets them what they want.

So the question is: What do they want?

Attention, power, self esteem?

I think a bit of all 3 joysmum. Not sure if these three can be separated.

In saying that, if a person doesnt have the ability to look into themselves and accept their wrongs, then try to change them, what can you do. All you can do with an abuser is remove yourself from the situation.

A councillor once told me something that really made sense to me and working with children, it makes even more sense.

In very simple terms.

You cannot help someone that blames everyone else for their problems. You can only help someone that blames themselves.

take the working with children out of the equation here. I had another analogy written but it was too long and forgot to take that bit out

Still want to add it.. so simplifying it again here.

I believe there are two different types of personality.

The doer and the watcher.

The doer needs to learn to watch a bit more and the watcher needs to learn to do. If this doesnt happen then we have problems when a doer and watcher get together....

Very simple but hopefully you get the gyst and i don't sound nuts

Basically, the seeds are sown very early and then it becomes a nurturing issue that creates the abuser.

so how does gender inequality explain abusive women?

Id explain it by a woman having to "stand" up for herself far too much and getting it wrong. You often find that it's been years of underlying abuse that triggers this and its a bit of a "pandora's box" situation.

So just an excuse then.

err, no not excuses at all.... Its a "society" thing in my opinion. Women are taught to shut their mouths or be "ladylike" from the age dot. Women are taught to put up with being underdogs from the age of dot. Women are taught to somehow be devious if you want anything. Women are taught to be chaste good girls or the boys wont like you"

A volcano erupts.

For both genders it's about control.

I do think the triggers/motivations are different for men and women, but neither is more acceptable or less damaging than the other.