Jealousy and insecurity ruining my life and relationship

[patch123]

Anyone who read my last post will know I'm struggling with my DP going out tomorrow night and staying out as he doesn't want me to pick him up.

I am constantly jealous and comparing myself to others. If we walk down the street I will watch his eyes to see if he looks at women when we're out, i won't watch certain programs if there's sexy women in them, I have even not gone to partys with him and suggested we change our plans if there's someone there he might remotely find attractive. I think about his ex alot and always think he would like someone better, prettier etc. I am actually slim and attractive but can't help feeling this way. I know alot of replies will be "pull yourself together, you will drive him away" and i know this but I can't change however hard I try. Tomorrow night is killing that I won't know who he's with, what time he's out, who else is there. .. is anyone or has anyone suffered like this and offer some constructive advice? Thanks

I think you need help. This is not normal behaviour .
I read your other thread and agreed with others that you are paranoid about your partner.
And yes, you will drive him away.
Have you thought about talking to a professional?

I think you should do a bit of counseling to find out what's the reasons you feel this unhealthy jealousy. You will end up driving him away for sure if you don't address this.

Desensitise yourself.

Make sure he goes out a lot more often without you.

Watch loads of programmes with sexy women in isn't that everything these days?

Go places where there are lots of attractive women.

Ask yourself why you have not left him if you genuinely believe he would cheat on you.

I wish I could give you some of my confidence. I've never understood jealousy.

So do I. Its not even that I think he will cheat.I don't want him to flirt with someone or find anyone attractive or enjoy their company. All the things I can't break up with him for and just have to accept but I can't. He could quite easily speak to a woman and smile and laugh and not do anything wrong but in his head could be thinking how much he likes her, thinks she's funny/attractive and that's what I can't stand.

Seriously, desensitise yourself.

It is OK to feel bad for ridiculous reasons so long as you don't take it out on other people.

Maybe get hypnotherapy for a short term fix.

And get some proper counselling for a long term solution.

And do some damage limitation. Ask him to not pander to your nonsense. You don't want him to become your victim, do you?

You need a period of long-term cognitive and behavioral psycotherapy. The real problem here is your low self-esteem and insecurity. As a fellow sufferer I completely understand your issues, my insecurities and jealousies/envies tend to surface in different contexts. Living with these feelings is horrible and makes you feel like a bad person but, once triggered, they are so difficult to control! The comparing of oneself to others is really hard to switch off.

At least you're aware that you need to tackle it.

You need to get to the emotional root or base line that is being triggered every time you even think of your DP looking at another woman. Its probably due to experiences you've mentally processed in an unhelpful way as an adult or a child.

Counselling is good, but a proper cognitive psychologist will really give you the most help before you destroy this relationship and end up feeling worse.

Best of luck fighting the green eyed monster! I see her in the mirror all the time, but getting better. You will too.

I hate to do this, and I may be way off base...but what was your relationship like with your father, OP?

If it was fractured and troubled, or maybe even absent, then that might explain why you feel unworthy and unloveable. Because that's the issue driving this...your own very deep insecurity and low self-esteem.

I agree with the others...counselling or CBT may well help.

Ouch. I also empathise with the poster's insecurities. My username comes from a book I read that encouraged you to accept your vulnerability in the face of fear. Work still in progress.

And yes - father very (emotionally) absent.

Yeah, you've described me. And it is such a deep insecurity and belief that I'm unloveable/unworthy that I don't know how to change it. More than that, thinking about it always leads me back to the conclusion that trying to sort it out would be vain and misguided because I'm actually right in thinking/feeling like this.

I'm now single and planning on staying that way because I can't afford the therapy. I wouldn't try to control someone else and my recent ex bf had now idea about how I truly felt about myself or how I projected. And it killed me

I'm so much more contented on my own. Even the thought of meeting someone is enough to dent my confidence/self esteem.

Jealousy and the Abyss

It's well worth the read, OP.

V good advice from AHat.
Take a deep breath and just do it. Keep a diary if progress. realise jealousy is just a feeling and you can tolerate it.
Good luck.

of progress, not if

You and me Folkgirl! And I have come to love the freedom. The desire for love can become a prison.

Psychotherapy. You may have deep rooted issues stemming from childhood, poor attachments to caregivers or unresolved loss which is causing the intolerable sense of being abandoned by him. You have recognised it which is the vital start but you do need help to work through it.

'Worried he might find them attractive or funny'

Do you generally suffer from low self esteem? Does he ever try to make you feel jealous? I would look at some counselling as this must be pretty stifling for him....and thoroughly draining for you.

i was also going to ask what your relationship with your father was like.

You need some proper psychotherapy. Not counselling. actual therapy.

Gatewalker thanks for that link. Very interesting. Folkgirl have a read!

The sad thing is I feel anger to my dad for being so cold and leaving me with out sufficient self-esteem. And then people say you can't keep blaming others for how you feel. But if it's really my infantile self crying out... It's so hard. It's like having a scar on your heart

I spent 2 years doing this and almost drove my partner away for good. Not sure why it started in earnest after 2 years together but I guess it was always there under the surface.

I recently had counselling with a psychotherapist weekly for about 8 months. Think it helped (problems were due to low self esteem, being abandoned by father etc!) but honestly the best way to beat it is to "create new habits" of thinking. Dare to believe the best in people, that he loves you, that it doesn't matter if others are interesting or attractive, people need to feel free to choose each other every day in the face of those things, believe he will choose you and then stop worrying..

Trust me I know it is easier said than done but I have done it / am doing it - it has turned my life and relationship around from being miserable to being great. I spent so much energy worrying and obsessing about what he was doing or thinking that I couldn't enjoy anything and couldn't focus on myself - think about yourself, what you like, what your interests are. And when obsessive thoughts come into your head, it helps to acknowledge that you feel jealous and that's ok but then let it go and go and do something else.

You'll be amazed how fast the positive momentum can build - dare to let go of one small thing at a time. I started with going to sleep before he came home from nights out (felt very scary at first). Now I'm at the point where I don't even worry about what time he is back, I'm much less worried about him interacting with other women (yes some of them will be interesting and attractive but I believe that he will continue to choose me and do the right thing by us)..

It helps if you can focus on yourself to build up your confidence a bit x

Habits are created through reward.. Your brain thinks the worrying and jealousy will protect you .. Once you create new habits (oh, putting this to worry the side means I get to do something fun for me. AND partner is happier and more affectionate!) that's very powerful.. It is like turning an oil tanker though, takes strength

I could have written your post op.
The only difference is that my dh did actually let me down a few years ago. But I was already feeling as you describe before this happened.
I had cbt and although I was given some useful techniques to help I can't say it cured me. I'd love psychotherapy but can't afford it.
I go into self destruct mode to protect myself, it's awful.
I have no advice other than psychotherapy if you can afford it. But I have lots of sympathy.

Oh and antidepressants help me- it was amplified by my depression.

@mcmcray4035 huh?

Zombie