Controlling behaviour is so normal to me

[betweenmarchandmay]

This is really hard for me to talk about. Please don't influx me with a flurry of LTBs as I'm nowhere near this point yet.

I have had counselling for PND (unbeknown to DH) and one of the things that has come out, which I didn't expect to, was how stifled and controlling my parents were. I never thought of them as being particularly strict but they really were very controlling with both me and my brother.

I met DH when I was very young - 18 and he was older than me. He seemed so mature then and I just went along with everything.

Now things are restricted to the point of it being ridiculous. It's been a slow descent into this, and it just don't know what to do. Some behaviour I can identify as controlling from a detached viewpoint but don't feel controlled, as I think I am so used to it. Other things go over my head completely.

Is there any hope for me/us?

Of course there's hope for you. You have options, and choices, and freedom to choose. It doesn't feel like that when you are in the middle of it, but you do. Tiny wee things to big things, you can have your own opinions about everything. It just takes a while to realise.

Controlled by your parents as in being told 'who you are' and 'what is expected of you'?

I suppose so yes sko.

In what way(s) are you being restricted?

What happens when you don't do what is expected? Or do something which you were not told to do?

Why did you not tell your DH about the counselling? PND must have had a serious effect on you and your ability to manage, did he not notice?

Just because someone is older does not mean they know everything, or that they are always correct and never make mistakes.

Without more specific details it is difficult to suggest any steps you might take or choices available.

One of the problems is that it's so much a form of everyday life I don't always identify it; I'll try.

Telling me who I can/can't be friends with. Vvvvv controlling with money - goes mad if I've spent too much. Understandable if we were in the breadline but we're not, far from it. Makes pointed comments if I eat food that is fattening or sugary - real p/a stuff - 'you know that's high in cholesterol don't you.' Doesn't want me to work outside of the home - I don't think I want to either but if I did I wouldn't be able to - leaves lists of jobs he 'expects' doing every day.

There's more I know.u

My Dad was quite controlling - my brothers have suffered more than me. The only thing that I can remember clearly is being told repeatedly that people in business (ie him) were better than teachers who, in his opinion, didn't work nearly as hard as him... Of all the controlling things, it's an odd thing to remember, except that being a teacher might have been a very good thing for me and I never considered it because I thought that that would make me 'a failure'.

So, is there any hope for you? Of course. I think that awareness and perspective is key. You're at the beginning of awareness, which is good. But support is also key - which means that your relationship probably won't help you. Keep reading and learning to build strength.

My dad applied for jobs for my brother, actually filled in the application form and letter and everything.

It took ages to identify it, as I just thought he was being helpful.

I know you are not ready to LTB yet but one day it will need to come as he cannot/ will not change. The lists stabbed me like a knife to heart my exH left daily lists, remarked about my weight, vetted friends and family.

He is eating away at you and he will start on your DC please get some help.

That's what scares me Annie as despite everything I do really, really love him. I'm also scared of him though and leaving him would mean the children would have to stay with him unsupervised and I feel I can protect them better in the same house.

Ah, you are another classic 'out of the frying pan into the fire' person!! I have exceptionally controlling parents & an exceptionally controlling husband who took it to the extreme & hit & forced me to have sex with him.

He too was controlling with money, food & friends. I know you can't see the wood for the trees, I was at the point you are 7 years ago after the birth if DS2, PND etc but it actually wasn't pnd I was just realising that the 2 sets of people who were meant to love & protect me were controlling & fighting over me & the dc's. It is exhausting, overwhelming and a fight but you can take the control back if you want to save your mental health. Otherwise you are just a lamb to their slaughter. I'm still dealing with it all & it's a long road but you will get some fab advice & support on here. Unmumsnetty hugs ((())))

You can't do much until you know what you want yourself.

You probably don't know because you are so used to doing what he wants. I expect you aren't used to recognising your own needs and desires (never mind acting upon them).

Ask yourself, what would I choose to do if what he wanted didn't matter?

Ask this whenever you do something, e.g. make yourself a sandwich, choose some new socks, watch an advert for a movie, put the spoons away, wish you had your own money, do a job from the list, choose a top to wear.

If he fell under a bus, what would you do?

Why would the children have to stay with him if you left?

That would be very unusual in such circumstances (which are quite common).

Unusual for a father to have regular unsupervised contact? No that isn't unusual!

In the circumstances that he is abusive it would be.

Sorry, I thought you meant you would have to leave them with him.

But like woo says, if you get his abusiveness on record then they are extremely unlikely to have unsupervised contact with him.

despite everything I do really, really love him

Did you see this link on another thread, it might help you to understand what is going on inside your own head?

Love and Stockholm Syndrome

Yes but it's abusiveness against me and not the DCs

If he is not abusive to them, why does it matter if he has unsupervised contact?

How old are your DCs OP? He may start on them soon, or he may not. Either way, they're growing up with a relationship template they will in all probability replicate ie be subject to/subject someone else to when they are adults.

It is so hard to get your head round it.

I could take the silent treatment even though hated it with every part of my being. When ex H did it to toddler DS it was so cruel, and my brain tied itself in knots trying to see his point of view. Madness.

It takes up so much space in your head. I can actually think about other things now, such a tiny simple thing but so pleasurable.

Because you can be controlling without being abusive in a way that's recognised by ss. Don't be pedantic - you know what I mean.

Children are 7 and 9 months.

That's shockingly irresponsible and wrong woowoo22

Supervised contact is unusual unless pretty serious documented abuse has happened.

Even then the norm is supervised for approx 6 months then unsupervised unless something goes wrong obviously there are exceptions but the goal unless its to dangerous is always promptly heading towards unsupervised

No, really, I didn't mean to be pedantic, what I meant was, if you really believe he is potentially so damaging to them then there are loads of ways you could make it so he can't hurt them. Living under the same roof wouldn't be top of the list. I mean, you can't even stop him abusing yourself yet never mind two other people. Off the top of my head you could move to the other end of the country, move to another country, refuse contact and let him take you to court.

How much solo childcare does he do now? Very little I suspect? Standard procedure is that he stops contact himself pretty quickly because he doesn't like looking after his children.

Did you read that Stockholm Syndrome link?

Might be useful information to aid your thinking if you are using the line "I can keep us safer with the abuser".

Whats shockingly irresponsible and wrong????

The OP herself said she needs to protect the kids from him.