Controlling behaviour is so normal to me

[betweenmarchandmay]

This is really hard for me to talk about. Please don't influx me with a flurry of LTBs as I'm nowhere near this point yet.

I have had counselling for PND (unbeknown to DH) and one of the things that has come out, which I didn't expect to, was how stifled and controlling my parents were. I never thought of them as being particularly strict but they really were very controlling with both me and my brother.

I met DH when I was very young - 18 and he was older than me. He seemed so mature then and I just went along with everything.

Now things are restricted to the point of it being ridiculous. It's been a slow descent into this, and it just don't know what to do. Some behaviour I can identify as controlling from a detached viewpoint but don't feel controlled, as I think I am so used to it. Other things go over my head completely.

Is there any hope for me/us?

Yes but woowoo - not with anything that would stand up in court.

I know he would turn the children against me. That's abusiveness in its way but it isn't going to stop access.

Flee the country?

As I thought - this is why I don't want 'ltb'; I can't LTB.

OK, I'm out, you are determined to find reasons to stay, I can't help you.

I will tell you one last thing though:

I know he would turn the children against me.
My DM did not leave for lots of reasons. Including this reason. He mistreated us eventually. Not sexually. Not physically. Emotionally controlling behaviour. Bullying. She couldn't stop him. She wouldn't even admit to herself how bad it was. It was all about managing him. I hate her. So do my siblings. We maybe see her once every couple of years and are as polite as we can manage. He didn't have to turn us against her. She did it herself.

I hope it works out differently for you.

OP I'm not sure what you want/need to hear.

You say yourself things are restricted to the point of being ridiculous, yet ask if there is hope. In all honesty, I think there is only hope if you get out. He won't change. Ever.

I've been where you are. I wrote a massive thread on here while pregnant and everyone unanimously said LTB. I went but, but, but, but with a myriad of excuses - I love him, pregnant, sometimes he's nice, he had an abusive childhood, I could do more cleaning, earn more, on and on and on and actually had the thread deleted by MNHQ for "anonimity" but in reality I didn't want to face up to it. Thus giving my child and I another 2 years of hell until I did finally LTB. Totally avoidable hell. But, can't do anything about that now.

If your children need protecting from him it is so much easier to do that when you are on your own and not continually walking on eggshells.

Best of luck.

You are not to blame for this situation, you have been manipulated all your life into the role of victim. But, with time, and a lot of effort you can take back your power and gain your freedom.
My advice would be to take things slowly at this stage. You have had years and years of emotional abuse and it will take some time to get your head around that fact.
Carry on as normal at home but please read as much as you can and, importantly, get counselling from a professional. It will be a shock to realise that other people see his behaviour and your lifestyle as dysfunctional- but it is.
This is certainly emotional abuse and you have a lot of work to do in your own head before you have any chance of succeeding in doing anything to change your situation.
My emotional abuse experience started very young also, and so I have always suppressed my own wants and needs. So much so that I don't even know what my wants and needs are now. The feelings of guilt are still there but they get less and less and time goes by. I am working on myself all the time to get over these unhelpful belief systems that were forced on me. You can do the same.

I explained in my OP I was accustomed to this sort of behaviour as I have recognised it was my own parents' way of raising me.

Why people think that after 33 years of it one post will make me say 'oh yes, I see, I'll LTB' (despite specifically asking NOT to be told to LTB) and then get stroppy because I won't/can't leave the country because of a man who is domineering and controlling but not physically or sexually abusive, I don't know!

Worry not ahat; woowoo; I won't post again!

I'm sorry you are in this situation between, I understand completely why you're not even thinking of leaving yet. But take heart, things can change...gradually.....have you anyone in RL you can talk to about this?

does your h recognise or want to change his behaviour? my h is currently on an intensive program for men who are controlling/abusive etc but obvs they need to want to change

Please ignore responses you think are unhelpful. You will get support and constructive advice here too.
I think sometimes people are actually saying LTB to their past selves ie. Wishing that they had had the ability to leave their bastard years ago which is why it gets v emotional. We all know in reality it is never simple- the abuser has spent years contriving a situation that makes even contemplating leaving extremely difficult.
So please do embrace all forms of support, online and real life. You can find a way to a better life .

If he wont admit to being wrong and seek help then there is nothing you can do about that, and you must make all your decisions based on how he is now, not how you would like him to be.

Its difficult because occasionally you can see glimpses of how life could be if only he wasnt so abusive, but the fact is that that life will never be. So you need to take the fact that he is abusive and controlling as your starting point and work everything out taking that in to account.

Dont bother with "But he could......he might......If he did X then....." because he wont change so there is no point wishing away your life based on coulda, woulda, shoulda. Start thinking about how you want life to be and how you get there, again bearing in mind that HE WONT CHANGE.

It comes down to whether you can live like this for the next 18 or so years until the children are flying the nest. Every day another list. Every day another reason why you are not in control of your own destiny. Every day losing a little more of your soul. Death by a thousand paper cuts.

Op i can hear how hard you are finding this. Just to get to the point that you can see all of this is wrong is a major step that you can be proud of making.

Abuse like this can be like trying to punch fog, you can sort of see the shape of it but can't grab hold of it.

My advice would be to keep reading these threads. Keep reading the advice to other women which will help you to realise what is or isn't ok in relationships. Your view of what is normal is probably all over the place at the moment.

A thread was started (today?) to support women who aren't ready to leave yet.

Good luck and you are doing better than you think.

Bogeyface is so right, the death by a thousand paper cuts.
Op, I have been in this sort of relationship for 18 years, and only last year made the decision to leave.
I have taken things slowly due to several factors, and am now at a point that I have a house and will be moving with dd in a couple of weeks or so.
I know how difficult it is, I am still questioning myself, is this really the right thing to do?

But I know that it is, as over the years the paper cuts have formed a big gaping hole that is not fixable.

Well done on admitting to yourself the issues. Good luck

Sorry you find yourself in this situation. You may not realise it but you have taken the first important step. You have realised your husband is abusive and that you are being abused.

Your children are witness to this abuse all day every day, you cannot protect them from an abusive relationship unless you extract yourself from it.

Why do you think your dh is abusive? IMO because growing up he was subjected or witnessed the very same behaviour that he displays with you at home.

It's highly likely that your children will end up in an abusive relationship, either being the abuser or being abused.

It is important to realise that staying for the children is therefore not promoting their welfare into adulthood. They may well be fine in most respects but it will be when they start to develop relationships of their own that their early years/life starts to cause them problems.

The relationship model they have at the moment isn't healthy. Neither was yours, hence your predicament at the moment.

Another day with him is another day wasted. If I was you I would use the time from now onwards to build a career for yourself, getting yourself financially secure so that one day you can set yourself free. Of course you don't need money but it helps a lot.

Your dh doesn't want you to have money or friends because they are some of the greatest luxuries in the world aren't they? Providing freedom and joy. Now he can't be letting you have too much of that can he?

To anyone reading this who have dc in an abusive relationship: Yes they do see it: it all goes in: he isn't a great father : he's abusive and your dc have a strong chance of being so too if they remain in abusive environments.

Your DH might live your DC I'm not saying he doesn't but it's a funny kind of love when your perception of it was so distorted in childhood that you terrorise future partners.

OP I see there's a big gap in your dc, was he worried that you were becoming too I dependant with just a seven year old?

Does he do the nice and nasty cycle with you?

Don't be scared off, between. Post when you want to and when you're ready.
I saw another thread of yours elsewhere. You come across as drained, knowing something isn't right, but not yet in a position to make changes.

So I'll just answer your question - is there any hope? Yes. Definitely.