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Original poster

How to get a second date?

43 replies

DollyRocker1 · 23/01/2015 09:37

I had a first date last night which I thought went well but think I may have hurt my chances of a second date by awkwardness at the end.

We spent over two hours chatting away about travel, politics, our careers, family, jury service, hobbies. No awkward silences, just lots of common interests. And I would love to see him again as I found him attractive too.

I'm quite a confident person at work/at home but being flirty doesn't come naturally to me. I get described as very friendly a lot so as you can imagine I make friends easily. And I have quite a few close male friends.

BUT I have never been great with guys in a dating sense. And the few boyfriends I have had haven't been of the highest quality - in terms of being kind, respectful etc.

At the end of dates, I'm hoping that a guy will say let's go out again, but all we tend to say to each other is I had a lovely time, get home safe. I did get a kiss on both cheeks and a quick hug yesterday which beat the handshake one guy gave me. I get the sense that Americans are better at this stuff than us?

Anyway I was thinking of texting the guy at lunchtime saying I had a great time last night. Enjoy the weekend. Have I really got anything to lose? I regret not doing this with another guy before Christmas. What do you think?

OP posts:

twentyten · 23/01/2015 09:42

Go for it. But prepare yourself for no reply/ a no. Be brave

Surfboredcat · 23/01/2015 09:42

You definitely don't have anything to lose!
The man I'm seeing sent me a message after our first date (I thought it went great, he gave me a kiss on the cheek etc) and it went AWOL!
I really liked him so later on that day sent him a message telling him I'd had a great time and wanted to see him again.
Good job I did as he's fantastic! (He's shown me the message he sent and it was lovely!)
Good luck!

pinkfrocks · 23/01/2015 10:00

Unless a date has been terrible then I think it's only polite if nothing else to thanks someone for a pleasant evening.

He may well get in touch with you - but if you both hang back and there was a spark, it's not going to go anywhere, is it?

I'd text him and thank him for a nice evening. Wouldn't mention the weekend because- hey- there's surely a chance he might ask you to do something with him and by saying 'have a great weekend' it's kind of closing the door implying you are tied up.

BUT- be prepared to hear nothing back or just a bland response with no further dates.

Original poster

DollyRocker1 · 23/01/2015 12:43

Bit the bullet and sent him a casual text saying thank you and that I enjoyed meeting him. Let's see what happens.

For future reference, what's the best thing to say at the end of the date if you're interested in seeing them again?

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 23/01/2015 13:28

'I've had a great time. When shall we do this again?' Shows enthusiasm, intention and, if they're not keen, puts the ball in their court to say 'no thanks' :)

arsenaltilidie · 23/01/2015 13:38

If you do not get a second date it will not be because of the 'awkwardness' at the end of the date.

For future; do nothing.
If he was good enough to ask a stranger to go for a date, then a little awkwardness will not stop him to sort out a second date.

Most men pretty much know within the first minute if they want a second date.

getthefeckouttahere · 23/01/2015 13:49

Most men pretty much know within the first minute if they want a second date.

I dont agree with that!

CheersMedea · 23/01/2015 13:49

"When shall we do this again?'

Nah that's too keen and puts someone on the spot. You just want something that let's the guy know you are receptive to another date - rather than demanding one there and then. A lot of people like a bit of time to reflect whether a second date is worth it.

Better is "I had a great time. Would be lovely to do it again sometime. Bye".

Or similar. No questions. No demanding a date. Just say something low key and positive about the evening and then something about "would be nice to see them again"

or if you've had relevant conversation (eg. about widgets) "had a great time. always on for a visit to the widget conference/ would be nice to hear more about your widget collection sometime".

The key messages are:

I had fun and
I am open to seeing you again.

RaspberryBeret34 · 23/01/2015 14:01

I tend to just do kiss on cheek/hug and "thanks, I had a lovely time" at the end of the date. Sometimes the man is a bit unsure about what to do so I just take the initiative and do that. I prefer to think it through after date then sort next date via text. I don't like it when men put me on the spot!

I tend to get asked on a second but my worry (as mentioned on dating thread) is that it is because I come across passive! Some men have mentioned they like how I make lots of eye contact and friends say I listen intently - I do lots of eye contact, nodding and little listening noises. I'm sure you already do those. I aim for charming and interested rather than flirty. That may not be of any use at all and I really hope it doesn't come across too smug about the 2nd dates - most of them still obviously don't work out or I don't want a 2nd with them! Sometimes I wish more men would screen me out at first date.

RaspberryBeret34 · 23/01/2015 14:03

Also id send a "had a lovely time, be nice to do it again" text after a date if you like him. Better than waiting around unsure of what's going on.

tigermoll · 23/01/2015 14:09

In my experience, most men will have either tried to secure the second date whilst still on the first (if they are interested in seeing you again) or have sent out some kind of casual suggestion about something you could do together, viz. "Have you see that new film yet/my friend's band has a gig/if you like Vietnamese, there's a really great place on this street" etc.

So pick a thing you mentioned and send a text saying "you still up for that film/gig/meal?" and see how it goes.

NB If he doesn't respond or doesn't fix an immediate time and place, or says he's not interested DO NOT waste your valuable headspace wondering what you did/said/didn't do etc to make him change his mind. Men are mysterious and unpredictable creatures, and there is NOT POINT AT ALL in wondering what makes them do the things they do :) Seriously. The hours and days of my life I've spent speculating with other women on what a man might be thinking - I could have learnt Russian or got my pilot's licence with all that time.

hereandtherex · 23/01/2015 14:27

Suggest a 2nd date going round mothercare, looking at prams.

Joking aside, surely you just have to play it by ear - thank you text the next day and then maybe ask out for drinks the next weekend or mid week film.

There are no rules or etiquette for dates.

pinkfrocks · 23/01/2015 14:32

I had a great time- keep in touch.

Definitely don't ask 'when can we do this again' too pushy and puts him on the spot.

If he is interested he may well text you or phone and suggest the next date.

herintheredskirt · 23/01/2015 15:04

If he's interested he'll contact you.

On a first date, just relax, keep it light and fun, and not too long. You can say at the end that you had a good time and would like to do it again, then leave the ball in his court.

Original poster

DollyRocker1 · 23/01/2015 20:36

Well heard back from him. He said he enjoyed meeting me but there was no spark for him.

I take no spark to mean he didn't fancy me? Well at least I know i didn't put him off at the end.

OP posts:

ScrambledEggAndToast · 23/01/2015 20:42

Sorry to hear that Dolly. I'm an old hand at online dating and have had good and bad experiences. In my experience, unless a date is arranged either at the end of the first date or within 12-24 hours, then it's unlikely to happen. I hope it works out next time.

Original poster

DollyRocker1 · 23/01/2015 21:30

It did sting a little. I ordinarily wouldn't be that bothered. Out of the 9 online dates I've had only 2 I've wanted to see again. Had a similar experience with the other one I liked. Chatting away for 3 hours over Sunday lunch, had plenty in common, and was surprised when I never heard from him again. Suppose he didn't fancy me either.

I guess the right guy will enjoy my company AND want to see me again.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 23/01/2015 21:34

I think you need to change your attitude from "will I get a second date" to "have I met someone worthy of a second date"

that should go a long way

WhatsGoingOnEh · 23/01/2015 21:39

There's a reallllllly good book on this subject. Have Him At Hello by Rachel Greenwald. Kindle it over the weekend.

She asked over 1,000 men what makes them want/not want a second date with a woman. It's eye-opening!

90% of the women got the reason wrong. And it's NEVER that he didn't fancy you. (Unless you have an unrealistic online-dating profile.) Men only ask women they fancy out for first dates! So it's something else.

ComingtoKent · 23/01/2015 21:57

So out of nine there were only two that YOU wanted to see again. It's a numbers game and I don't think there's a winning technique. Sometimes people like/fancy you and sometimes they don't. Same as you didn't like/fancy the seven out of the first nine you met.

I disagree with the previous poster - you think you MIGHT fancy someone, that's why you go on a date. The date is to find out.

Keep going as long as you're interested. Be yourself. Don't rely on tricks. It may or may not happen, but enjoy the journey. You're meeting a lot of people you'd never have met otherwise. Have fun and good luck.

Original poster

DollyRocker1 · 23/01/2015 22:03

I read that book over Christmas. It's a great read - will revisit. I saw bits of myself in the book but didn't feel I fitted neatly into one category.

OP posts:

Original poster

DollyRocker1 · 23/01/2015 22:06

Thanks for all your thoughts. I was initially quite buzzy about online dating but finding it quite labour intensive. Going speed dating and to a single party next week. Might have more luck meeting people in person.

OP posts:

beaglesaresweet · 24/01/2015 00:13

agree that most of the time men ask (or make obvious hints) about the second date by the end of the first one, or possibly send a same-day text. It used to be 3 day rule, now seems like no one has the patience, ha.

Not even a hint about the second date = he's not planning it. Or he is a bit of a player who likes to keep people guessing and playing at being a catch, so then she jumps for joy when he does ask, a red flag really.

ShouldAvePutASockInIt · 24/01/2015 08:34

Hi just out of interest which dating sites do people actually go on to meet people and which have been productive? I seem to only go on one and have only met one person from that site - it wasn't great as he wined and dined me for 6 months then dumped me right before Christmas advising he wasn't ready - it has put me off slightly

Original poster

DollyRocker1 · 24/01/2015 08:47

This guy was Soulmates. Others have been from Eharmony and match.

I don't really think online is for me. I'm the type of girl that grows on guys as they get to know me. My 2 serious relationships have developed through friendships initially.

I get the feeling that men online are looking for a thunderbolt. Whereas I'm looking first and foremost for compatibility (are we at similar stage in life, does the conversation flow?, do we have enough in common?) and to then see if the chemistry develops. So we're not on the same page to start with.

Someone above said it was about changing my mindset. I guess what I want is the option of a second date when I meet a guy I'd like to get to know more. Not for every guy to ask - then I'd be the one in a sweet shop!

OP posts:

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