How to get a second date?

[DollyRocker1]

I had a first date last night which I thought went well but think I may have hurt my chances of a second date by awkwardness at the end.

We spent over two hours chatting away about travel, politics, our careers, family, jury service, hobbies. No awkward silences, just lots of common interests. And I would love to see him again as I found him attractive too.

I'm quite a confident person at work/at home but being flirty doesn't come naturally to me. I get described as very friendly a lot so as you can imagine I make friends easily. And I have quite a few close male friends.

BUT I have never been great with guys in a dating sense. And the few boyfriends I have had haven't been of the highest quality - in terms of being kind, respectful etc.

At the end of dates, I'm hoping that a guy will say let's go out again, but all we tend to say to each other is I had a lovely time, get home safe. I did get a kiss on both cheeks and a quick hug yesterday which beat the handshake one guy gave me. I get the sense that Americans are better at this stuff than us?

Anyway I was thinking of texting the guy at lunchtime saying I had a great time last night. Enjoy the weekend. Have I really got anything to lose? I regret not doing this with another guy before Christmas. What do you think?

I find it difficult to meet people - I work full time and in my office there are mainly females - I'm a single parent and therefore can't get out during the week on an evening - my local pub I go to sometimes on a weekend just to have human contact but it's the same regulars each week.. I think I may try those sites you mentioned

Should online dating's always worth a try. I do know 2 friends that have met their partners that way.

Mm the last experience has put me off though - but I will have another go - can't hurt can it yikes

"No spark" actually sounds like a nice way of letting someone down gently. It isn't all about him or you - just a lack of chemistry.

Good luck with future dates from someonetoo cowardly for OD who will end her days a mad cat lady

I think online dating is all looks orientated anyway. Most men don't care about if you have things in common or get on well they just want someone they find really attractive.
In real life settings you have the chance to get to know someone more naturally and then attraction tends to grow but online they just look at the profile pic and if you don't meet there expectations then onto the next.
Online dating can get you down there's no doubt about it.
If you don't mind me asking dolly how old are you.?
I'm mid 30s and find dating in this age group the hardest.

OP Try not to over-think this too much. Chemistry is either there or it's not. Seeing someone's photo and profile online doesn't tell anyone much at all. I've had relationships with men who weren't necessarily good looking and I've have passed them over on a dating site, but in reality there was chemistry- and the opposite applies too.I don't know how much you get out and about but if you prefer the slow-burn type of thing then doing lots of activities where you mix with like-minded people might be better because you will have an interest / hobby at least and something might grow from a friendship.

I think Happyandsingle is spot on. Men most certainly are very shallow when it comes to picking people online, I've been guilty of that myself.
Meeting people in RL is much more my thing. I'm meeting a lady tonight who I would have never been remotely interested in from looking at a picture, but just getting to know her little and I'm very taken by her. I hope she turns up

Happyandsingle I'm 35 - I know it's a difficult age for online dating as men often think 'she'll want a baby pronto'. I either get approached by men who are older and have already had their children, or guys in their 20s looking for some fun.

I recently joined Meet Up and Citysocializer which runs in London to expand my social group and to try new activities.

Fingers crossed for your date Talbot. I'm going to a flappers and gangsters party tonight which should be good fun.

Hi DollyRocker, joining Meetup is a great idea. I joined it a few years ago and met loads of people including two very good friends that way after I joined a couple of walking groups Quite a few members had met their partners in those groups and I'd say 35 is a perfect age as it seemed many were in their 30s.

Haven't been on one for a long time now for various reasons but about two years ago I met a guy on a city of London walk through Meetup who asked me out. He wasn't my type but it was a start :-)

It sounds as though you're having a great time going to all these events so relax, have fun and see them as an opportunity to wear a great outfit and meet new people! Because when the right guy comes along you won't have so much free time to do all this fun things alone.

And remember, you only need to meet one guy. You're doing all the right things so be patient. He will show up!

these fun things.

I think 35 is a very good time to meet people, it gets more diffucult after 40.

I don't think anybody was made to like online dating, but if you work abd no opportunity to go out much, where are you going to meet ither people? I agree with you that many people are looking for a thunderbolt or the proverbial spark that will tell them whether the relationship is a forever one the moment they look at each other.

I think that's teenage nonsense, good relationships develop over time, you need time to find out wheter the person is right for you before falling in love.

It may sound difficult, but do not get too emotionally involved until you are sure.

I used to always find out something they were doing that week - eg they mention they're going to the gym Thursday night. Then at the end if the date you can say. 'I had a lovely time, Shane you're busy Thursday as there's x going on' this gives them an opening to suggest something else or just say nothing much without you losing face.

Thanks for your advice. I've decided to wind down my online dating activity to just one site and to use it only once or twice a week, as I think it's stressing me out and starting to feel like looking for a job.

And to focus instead on having fun and meeting people in real life.

Slightly off topic, but I've been reading the book someone helpfully suggested upthread. I've been thinking about od, as I'm just out of a long-term relationship, and I found it thoroughly depressing reading. It seems that (according to the authors research at least), if a woman doesn't fit a bloke's criteria exactly on the first date, he moves quickly on to the next person, and the first woman doesn't get another chance. The book gives helpful hints on how precisely to behave (depending on your character type) so that you don't wreck your chances of snagging another date with Dan, Executive Banker, Manhattan or similar.

What struck me was the level of entitlement of these men, and the extent to which the women were expected to rein in their personalities in order to please them. So, plans for the future, personal issues, negativity, any hint of goldigging, argumentativeness, assertiveness, strongly-held beliefs etc are strictly no-go. So it's a massive, desperate, pick-me dance, ruling out the chances of most women, I suspect.

I recently joined Meet Up and Citysocializer which runs in London to expand my social group and to try new activities.

I tried Citysocialise in london a couple of years ago and don't think it's any good for meeting men. The impression I got was that most of the people who turn up to events are women (who are mostly using it to meet men). And a lot of them are a bit odd/eccentric. Not all of them of course, there are a lot of "normal" people (sorry for that word but what I mean is not a little bit strange) but I think they tend to go to a few things and realise there are a lot of loner types involved in it and drift off.

One woman I met who'd been going for a while said that there were a couple of guys who went regularly who were notorious. The just cut a shagging swathe through the women with a bit of charm.

I wouldn't bother with it again. The most interesting thing I did was go on a London walk (which I'd never normally do) and learnt a bit about history. I kept in touch with a couple of people for a while (they kept inviting me to things) but both of them turned out to be extremely perculiar in different ways.

notsogoldenoldie my advice is for everyone not to read that book, it sounds terrible. Get 'he's just not that into you' which basically says don't hang around waiting for men who aren't sure, not ready, don't call for ages, are busy for work- if they like you they like you and given you are a catch, don't just settle for any small nugget of interest. It really helped my single friend in OD who was falling for guys after one meet and getting over-invested early on and she did meet and marry a lovely man in the end, but the traditional way, meeting in a pub!

I did go on blind dates, answered a couple of ads many moons ago. I think you just have to see quite a lot of people to find ones you like and its mutual. I had definitely met over 10 and was nearer 20 when I found my husband.

It does seem like online dating has changed over the years too. I met my wife 10 years ago and we chatted for probably a month first before meeting.

But it didn't seem like there were as many people doing OLD back then. For me it was definitely a case of giving people a chance. Whereas nowadays it seems more like the sweetshop analogy, and there always being another date lined up to go on etc.