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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

dh envious of my talent ..I think!

40 replies

Doubtfuldaphne · 22/01/2015 20:21

This is really pissing me off now. Dh and I both have the same talent, hes better in one area of music and I'm better at it in another way.
He is very critical of what I do, in fact, he hardly ever has anything good to say about it. He has been criticised by others and he gets extremely upset, he thinks hes absolutely incredible but actually, hes just average, i'd say.
If I want to do any music away from HIS, it's just put down.
He even took away the recording equipment when I told him i needed here so I could use it. His answer? why would I want to do that.
I wanted to audition for a massive show last year but oh what a surprise, there was a family do on his side that i just couldnt miss. I couldnt get to the audition without him really.
This week I put a song out there, only a youtube thing, and he said he really didnt like it and said i'd get sued as it's a cover, etc.
i cant bloody win.
music has always been my dream and it has with him too. he only seems to like me doing anything if its to do with his stuff and nothing of my own.
I know the only way to get round this is to persevere with my own stuff despite him holding me back. he must be scared im better than him maybe?
hope someone can offer advice.

OP posts:
JeanSeberg · 22/01/2015 20:26

Does he support you in any aspect of your life?

Cameochick11 · 22/01/2015 20:26

Follow your own dream - otherwise you will begin to resent him, and you may miss good opportunities. There's no reason why you can't both be successful, but a good relationship involves you both celebrating each other's success, and commiserating for each other when things don't go to plan. I'm not sure he's doing this for you.

GoatsDoRoam · 22/01/2015 20:32

This isn't just envy, it's putdowns and sabotage.

Some people have what is called "predatory self-esteem": they can only feel good about themselves by feeling superior to someone else. By putting them down, undermining them, sabotage, etc.

These people do not make adequate life partners.

Pastmyduedate0208 · 22/01/2015 20:41

You need to stop seeking his approval.

zipzap · 22/01/2015 20:52

Have you ever called him on things - like taking the recording equipment when you told him you needed it, or deciding to screw your plans for an audition because of his family event (I'm assuming it was arranged after you had said about audition from the way you've explained it) - and said straight out that you feel like he is deliberately putting you down and not supporting you in the things that you like to do?

And have you ever criticised or questioned him, mirroring the way he criticises or questions you? Might be worth a try (obviously when it's deserved - as much as you 'deserve' your criticism if you see what I mean) rather than always being nice and supportive - maybe say that you thought you'd follow his example of only ever pointing out the problems and not the good stuff on the basis of treat others as you wish to be treated yourself and that is the way he treats you... See if he realises what he is doing - maybe if he is on the receiving end he will see how unpleasant it is.

Or even just ask him why he can never say anything nice about your music - it's only ever criticism, and whilst it is good to get constructive criticism, his constant criticism without anything constructive or positive to say when you want to do your own thing is beginning to feel hurtful and deliberately horrible. he might not have realised that he is doing this and it's his way of keeping you back at his level - or he might be doing it deliberately. However, once you put it into the open then he might not be able to do it so often or so openly...

Original poster
Doubtfuldaphne · 22/01/2015 20:53

i agree I don't need his approval but it is hurtful when your own husband doesn't support you in what you want to do.
I understand why he's like this, he hasn't had the success he feels he deserves. He did years ago but it's all gone now and he's been trying to get it back ever since. He has that inflated ego thing. Definitely superior. A lot of people have picked up on him being that way not just with me.
I'm still going for every opportunity despite his negativity. He hates that it's not his songs I'm singing. That grates me a lot.
i don't really see in what other eay he can support me, he is quite critical sometimes of housework and stuff which pisses me off as well but generally we're fine.
I think he likes to feel he's in charge

OP posts:
Original poster
Doubtfuldaphne · 22/01/2015 20:57

Thank you zipzap that's good advice, I'm too nice and soft to criticise like he does.. I did once do it though and he brooded over it for weeks! Completely disagreed and got upset.
I hope that he doesn't realise he's doing it. That is what's worrying me. Is he actually that nasty or very insecure about where he's going in life?
When the times right I will bring it up. I hate confrontation but I mustn't let things fester.

OP posts:
GoatsDoRoam · 22/01/2015 21:10

I'm troubled by the dynamics you're presenting here: he is an insecure bully, and you are "too soft" and "hate confrontation"

He should not be treating you the way he is. You deserve support and kindness from a partner. I hope that you can come to believe that, and say no to such treatment.

LadyLuck10 · 22/01/2015 21:16

I would be very hurt and really put off my DH if he behaved like a selfish twat. He is meant to support you, encourage you and be really proud of you not compete with you waiting for you to fail. That's not a partner.
I play an instrument too and my DH is so very supportive. We also do an activity together but we are always helping each other out, not putting us down. Call him on it and shame him for being so pathetic.

Hassled · 22/01/2015 21:19

From what you say this has been going on a while - I can't believe he doesn't realise he's doing it. Not unless he's really, really thick.

Original poster
Doubtfuldaphne · 22/01/2015 21:59

You're all so right. This is so depressing. He really thinks he's the boss of me. Doesn't want me going all successful and him being left behind. Other things such as today make me think he knows exactly he's being horrible. Today he said 'the cupboard needs sorting out'
I said ok are you telling me I need to do it then? Quite surprised at his rudeness. He said well as he doesn't use that cupboard and as I'm at home in the day then I should.
This and the other stuff is making me reach breaking point.

OP posts:
Cameochick11 · 22/01/2015 22:07

Sounds like he's trying to be the Master here - do what you need to do and be Assertive - he's not the boss of you!

Unidentifieditem · 22/01/2015 22:12

Ooh both audition as a pair on X factor and let simon cowell tell him you're better and you are through on your own!! Sorry.
Silly and minimising of me, but thought might make you smile Smile

Original poster
Doubtfuldaphne · 22/01/2015 22:30

That has crossed my mind many times! Haha!
I just need to stand up for myself a bit more. I will audition for whatever I fancy and won't let him boycott it.

OP posts:
GloopySoupy · 22/01/2015 22:30

Ever heard of the book "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft? Might be worth a read.

APlaceInTheWinter · 22/01/2015 22:30

I had an ex like this. One technique that I found worked was to tell other people what he'd said.

I'm guessing since you don't like confrontation that you're internalising a lot of his comments. Don't. Instead, when he is there, repeat them to other people in a 'you'll never guess what DP said' way (either with a laugh or a Shock face ). Seeing how other people react to it will force him to face what he is doing.

Also, stop relying on him eg for lifts to auditions. The less you rely on him; the less control he has over your life; the less impact he can have on you pursuing your dream. Good luck!

fanjobiscuits · 22/01/2015 22:35

He sounds vile, I would walk away.

Original poster
Doubtfuldaphne · 22/01/2015 22:46

He's not vile, honestly! He's a bit childish and insecure I think but not vile.
I will in future organise things myself instead of relying on him. Nothing can stop me then!

OP posts:
morethanpotatoprints · 22/01/2015 22:46

I think if its something you need to do you should do it irrespective of what he says.
Don't rely on him, do it yourself and then he will have to take it seriously.
Maybe its not only jealousy, it could be fear.
When people say its something i've always wanted to do, it does beg the question then why didn't you do it, work towards it, have it as your goal to begin with.
One of the main reasons is fear.
I say good luck to you, its a hard job for very little pay if you take it seriously.
If you don't take it too seriously theres BGT and x factor.
How old are you OP, is a college course possible, even if you don't need it nobody is perfect and it will boost your confidence and esteem.

Original poster
Doubtfuldaphne · 22/01/2015 22:49

I'm doing a diploma at the moment too and have auditioned for one of the shows mentioned above Wink

OP posts:
Original poster
Doubtfuldaphne · 22/01/2015 22:50

I'm no spring chicken either and have dc's

OP posts:
Coyoacan · 23/01/2015 03:09

I must admit, I would have thought a spouse should encourage the other one, but seeing as how he is the complete opposite, could you take him as your worst critic? I mean performing invites criticism (though not normally from ones nearest and dearest), so in the end, a performer has to have a lot of self-confidence and not be too sensitive.

GoatsDoRoam · 23/01/2015 10:50

Re: the cupboard story. So it's not just about your musical ability. He likes to boss you around and put you down in other aspects of your life, too.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/01/2015 11:09

This is about power and control above anything else.

Its not just him being insecure and childish. Standing up for yourself can be done but its not going to happen overnight and you may well find yourself questioning why you have put up with him for so long ultimately.

I think your H resents you and is jealous of any achievements you accomplish now. He will never support you and will actively sabotage any attempts you make to further your musical talents. He wants to keep putting you down continuously so he can still be better than you and become tog dog again. Such men are very poor life partners and only ultimately care for their own self interest.

What do you think your children are learning from the two of you about relationships here?. Have you noticed their dad behave in a similar manner to them as well?

yougotafriend · 23/01/2015 11:20

It sounds like "a star is born" - he was presumably more successful than you in the early stages of your relationship and now you are having more success than him.....

Today he said 'the cupboard needs sorting out'
My answer would have been "do you think so?, seems fine to me but if you're not happy go for it"