dh envious of my talent ..I think!

[Doubtfuldaphne]

This is really pissing me off now. Dh and I both have the same talent, hes better in one area of music and I'm better at it in another way.
He is very critical of what I do, in fact, he hardly ever has anything good to say about it. He has been criticised by others and he gets extremely upset, he thinks hes absolutely incredible but actually, hes just average, i'd say.
If I want to do any music away from HIS, it's just put down.
He even took away the recording equipment when I told him i needed here so I could use it. His answer? why would I want to do that.
I wanted to audition for a massive show last year but oh what a surprise, there was a family do on his side that i just couldnt miss. I couldnt get to the audition without him really.
This week I put a song out there, only a youtube thing, and he said he really didnt like it and said i'd get sued as it's a cover, etc.
i cant bloody win.
music has always been my dream and it has with him too. he only seems to like me doing anything if its to do with his stuff and nothing of my own.
I know the only way to get round this is to persevere with my own stuff despite him holding me back. he must be scared im better than him maybe?
hope someone can offer advice.

Just out of interest - what's his parent's relationship like - was his dad the one that was in charge or was it an equal partnership? If it was the former, then he may well have just expected that he would also be 'the boss' because that's what he grew up with and it never occurred to him that there was any other way.

if he makes comments like the one about tidying the cupboard again, a quick 'woah, who made you my boss, I thought we were in an equal loving relationship where we were partners?!?' type comment might help to show what is happening. Again - once you draw attention to it, it might make your dh stop and think twice before trying it again if he is doing it without having ever thought that actually, just because he is the husband it doesn't make him the boss!

His mother is extremely bossy. I think he's inherited it. His dad is very passive. His family have all upset me in the past by telling me what to do or getting their knickers in a twist if I say I'm unhappy with something.
I've said before how we are supposed to be equal and he's not apologised but gone quiet.
I think he resents he is not where he wants to be in life and resents that I get to stay at home in the day time. Also that I can usually walk in to places easily whereas he's been unable to get his fppt in the door anywhere.
He does have an old fashioned view that he works and I do the house stuff. he has progressively got worse trying to make himself feel like the boss. I think he's certainly threatened that I will become successful and wants a say in everything I do musically. Its so frustrating.

It's frustrating because it's just plain old not right.

Not ok.

Not to be tolerated.

You deserve to be treated with kindness and respect, and nothing less.

I have had experience of this from the other side - I was in a relationship for five years with a man who was far more successful in our shared artistic field than I was (not music but similar).

It was one of the hardest things I have ever done. It made me feel like a complete failure, and I couldn't believe he could have any respect for me since I was so clearly substandard in the one thing that I had told the world I was good at. Every time I went to see him perform, I had to stand there like I was just the girlfriend, when inside I was screaming 'that should be me!! It's not FAIR!!'

But AT NO POINT did I ever consider sabotaging him or putting him down. I realised after about six months that I had two choices: I could end this relationship because of my own jealousy and bitterness, or I could woman up and find a way to deal with it because it was MY problem not his. So I did. I used my feelings as a spur to achieve things I'd been putting off for years and found ways to feel good and successful about myself that weren't connected with our profession. I knew it was worth it when he told me a few months ago that he'd landed his dream job and I was able to feel nothing but pride and happiness for him. (it helps that I've found modest success in a new field)

So I guess that's a long winded way of saying that jealousy is understandable, but it's never an excuse to be a dick to someone. He needs to decide what sort of person he wants to be.

I've contacted marriage counsellors. Not the first time I've done this, I know little things can build up and turn in to resentment.
Just the idea of me contacting them will hopefully be enough to get him to listen! Dreading this really.

Ok this morning he had a go at me for not doing dd's breakfast properly and that was it for me. He also decided where we would go for our meal out to celebrate our bloody anniversary! he was annoyed as I said I didn't want to go where he had chosen. I told him how he's bossing me about and I'm not happy. His answer was to storm off and not talk to me.
This was in a cafe too, I was so embarrassed. He's picking up dd now while I wait in the car. I'm trying so hard not to cry, this is so abnormal isn't it?

Yes, this is not normal at all. His reactions are all those of someone who is controlling by their very nature. Its his way or no way as far as he is concerned.

How old is your DD roughly, what was her reactions to all this from her dad re you "not doing her breakfast properly"?. She heard all of that from him and saw your responses to it. Your children really cannot afford to learn such damaging lessons about relationships because they could all too easily go onto repeat the same.

Was not really surprised to read that his own mother was bossy (probably domineering); that's what he learnt about relationships when growing up. His dad was a bystander; a weak man who has really acted out of self preservation and want of a quiet life. He deliberately chose you precisely because you are soft, nice and do not like confrontation.

If you do go to marriage counselling I would go on your own. Infact I think it may be an idea now for you to talk to Womens Aid as they could also advise you further. 0808 2000 247

I had a boyfriend once who treated me like that OP. He did it once in public and an older lady turned to me and told me that I deserved better. Years down the line, I realised she was right. So do you. He is acting like a spoilt brat

As soon as he knows I'm unhappy he gets defensive. Then usually I'm the one to try and make it up. I'm not giving in this time. He needs to see I won't be domineered like his dad!

Just an update here I hope that's ok.
He has made it clear that if I don't want to be told what to do then neither does he. That involves lifts to places, help in any way (not that he does help) taking ds to the bank (that was only once but he apparently does all this 'for' me)
I'm ashamed to say I stormed out while shouting at him to fuck off.
My poor dd saw this. Ds probably heard it too.
I'm so ashamed.

What's the point of being together?

If he does very little/nothing & just sucks the life from you, it sounds terribly hard work.

He's a petty and vindictive bully. He's just shown you precisely who he is so please listen to what he is telling you. The worm has turned and he doesn't like it one bit, so tries to act like the tyrant he thinks he is. He isn't, he's weak and his threats are pathetic. I'd have told him to fuck off too. And when he gets there, he can fuck off some more.

Nasty man. Nasty, nasty man.

I think telling him to fuck off is pretty much a spot on reaction.

You may feel ashamed about it, but I say "well done".
It's pretty clear from what he said that he's an entitled arse, and entitled arses can fuck. off.

He's gone on strike until you submit to all his demands.

Surely that is only effective if the person going on strike actually does some work.

You should not be ashamed. It is good that your DD and DS saw you stand up to this nonsense. Obviously it would be better if you hadn't sworn when you flounced but hey that's a minor point.

He's gone on strike until you submit to all his demands.

Surely that is only effective if the person going on strike actually does some work.