Husband frittering away our savings

[Alya81]

Many years ago DH spent all our savings. He just frittered them away, it wasn't a huge amount but the trust was gone and we no longer have joint finances. Two years ago we decided we wanted to buy a house and started saving hard. We both earn similar amounts and spend equally on house/kids.

I was not convinced he was saving, but he kept saying it was under control. After the first year, I discovered he had not saved a penny. I was devastated and hated that he had lied for so long. I had been very frugal and keeping to a very strict budget. He assured me he really wanted to save and get a new house, but just carried on frittering money away. We opened a new account so I could see that he was saving and things got better for a while.

Another year on and it has emerged that he has stopped saving and is just frittering money again. I can't put up with this man child any more. He puts himself first, he spends money on exercise equipment and hobbies. He says I drag all the joy out of him, I probably do 'nag' ( hate that word) but he can't seem to do anything unless asked a million times.

He is never going to change is he? I don't think I want to be with someone who just can't function, he says he wants a new job, but never even looks what is out there. He is self employed but he is owed quite a bit of money and just doesn't chase it up. He has a new hobby every five minutes and never keeps at it for long. What can I do? I think I need to leave him.

I think you need to leave him too.

I think sometimes people don't successfully connect the 'oh a £3 meal deal wont hurt/ i work hard I deserve a new hobby which costs a little £' with actually spending chunks of money and therefore not saving anything :(
My dp does it, and it's infuriating.
Equally, I do it with food and always think that one pack of crisps/ 1 Choc bar etc won't make a difference to my weight when it does..

Not much help, but lots of sympathy :(

Does your husband have redeeming features to his character? I ask, as I have known similar problems with my DH, and I know he'll never change. But, he is a great Dad to our kids. He pulls his weight around the house with washing/cleaning etc and he can still make me laugh.

I understand your anger at your husband (been there, got the T shirt), but perhaps leaving him isn't the only answer.

Sounds like he has never grown up when it comes to money and is still living like he's got his first Saturday job paycheck.

How long have you been together, how many DCs? Is he in control of his finances generally or not?

His attitude to money is clearly very different to yours. How has he manages the savings in the past, does he have a SO or just move money as he sees fit? Would it be worth one last attempt of him setting up a SO for the day he gets paid (so he never even sees the money) into an account in your name, so he can't get access to it either?

Some people are like this.... Infact I must admit a bit a lot like him. I never successfully saved until I met my DP. He was shocked at how mindless I am with money. I can't really explain why... I've just never really worried about it (well... until I run out and then I panic!!). I'm also terrible at maths and remembering any numerical values (PIN numbers, phone numbers, how much I spent on petrol etc). It feels like I have a mental block on it, like numerical dyslexia or something (if that exists!!?). Actually, it's probably sheer laziness.

Anyhoo, when we decided to have a baby he basically told me I needed to sort my money out. I didn't want to admit it at the time, but I knew he was right. I earn decent money but obviously would have to survive on much less on mat leave and the more money I saved, the longer I could stay off work. Motivation enough for me!!

I now have a standing order into 2 savings accounts, one for me and one for my daughter. The real reason I've managed to actually save up this time is because I can only withdraw from these accounts if I walk into the branch... (DP doesn't have access to these accounts by the way, just incase anyone is wondering!) This makes it a lot harder to spend, especially since nearly all my frivolous spending is done online and I'm pretty much tied to the house with a newborn!!

He also, to a certain extent, keeps tabs on how much I spend and how much is left in my account. Not in a controlling way, but in a 'don't forget your car MOT is coming up, make sure you reserve enough for that' kind of way.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is, some people (like me) are just shit with money. So if he wants you to, (and if you have the patience) maybe he'll let you be more in control of the finances? Would that be a happy medium for you both?

At the moment it's working for me and my DP. And I am genuinely learning to budget better and getting a bit addicted to transferring money into my savings account and watching it stack up. So a bit of nagging from him initially has worked.

He does have some redeeming features, he's kind and generous. Although that isn't always a good thing. He has always been bad with money, but it was his idea to buy a house. I think I am just so resentful that I lived frugally for so long and made many sacrifices and he didn't.

We have tried me being a little more involved with his savings accounts etc (I already do most of the family finances etc) but then he says I 'nag' him. He set up the SO on the wrong day, so has to take the money out to pay the rent, then doesn't replace it until I have 'reminded' him about 50 times. Why doesn't he just change the date? This happens whenever he has to do anything, then if I do nag him, he uses that as an excuse not to do it. Like a petulant child. I have very little respect for this kind of behaviour.

Thank you for your messages, I'm glad others understand.

He could change if he wanted to but he doesn't. I couldn't be with someone like this. He may claim you are sucking the enjoyment out of life by not wanting him to spend cash on meaningless pointless stuff. He's totally stuck in a modern day cycle where he assumes material possessions equals happiness. It's a lie! The truth is that he is sucking the trust out of your relationship by major life changing lies and he is whipping your aspired future life right out from under your feet. So what are you going to do about it? I think you have two choices - leave him now and go into shared rented accommodation/stay with family and save quicker or alternatively take charge of the joint finances and get him to read an Alvin Hall book to help him save.

Man child - just read your last post.

I really couldn't stay with someone who told such life changing major lies. He's proper screwed you over, ensuring your doing the saving for both of you and intentionally twisting the blame so it's your fault 'because you nag'. In the real world he is 100% responsible for his major two year long lies, nagging is irrelevant. Nagging doesn't come into the equation, if he didn't want to save he should have manned up and told you when saving was first discussed.

Yes, was very much in the same boat.

In the end it built up and we ended up with several piles of large debt on various credit card (on 0% so it was fine ) which amassed to an eye watering one.

I was devastated at the time, but I was more angry that he hasn't told me and was lying to me by commission. He countered that I always got stressed with the finances and that him mentioning it caused arguments ( yes it does when you casually mention that we are 1k into a credit card and the kids need new shoes).

We sorted it by drawing up a REAL budget together and logging absolutely everything we spent, making sure we had the same disposable income. He is still more frivolous than me, but in a good way ( pick up an odd bottle of naice wine on the way home) and we talk a lot more openly about money.

*ommission

Sorry to post again, I'm in shock that you have lived hand to mouth for two years and he has twice led you a merry dance while enjoying luxuries himself over a two year period. He's only thinking about number one!

Are you married? Have you kids?

I couldn't live with someone like this. Not only the careless attitude to money, but also the deceit (he carried on for a whole year while letting you think he was saving) and the lack of responsibility (accusing you of nagging to try and make it into your fault).

Actually, you sound like my husband. I think people are often divided into two camps - dogs CS cats people, short showerers vs long bathers, savers vs spenders. My DH is a frugal saver. He firmly believes he is Right and very Responsible. I firmly believe he is Jam Tomorrow never Jam Today.

He unilaterally decided to run our finances separately - and saved many thousands whilst I "fritter." The flip side of that is his financial controlling and miserable "make do and mend" attitude have sucked the joy out of us for years.

I also think there is no real future for you with this bloke. You are much more adult than him and let's face it, to survive and thrive in this modern world you have to be more than just adult with money but canny too.
It's the lying and the accusation of nagging and the deflecting that would be the final straw for me. Equally bad, if not worse than being shite with money. Behaving like a toddler with a pet lip when you pull him up on something he has suggested and agreed to but failed at, when he is a grown man is ridiculous and who wants to deal with that in a lifelong partner?
My DH was in debt and terrible with money when I met him whereas I am tight as a ducks arse frugal, careful and have nice stuff as a result. He soon was able to see you can't spend the same pound twice and we are very much on the same page with money and have savings now. Having a bit of a buffer zone in the bank takes a fair bit of stress out of life he has found. DHs turnaround was without any arsines on his part though, he was able to see the difference in our respective ways with money and that mine made sense.

I think he is showing you who and what he is writ large and with his attitude of blaming you, this sounds like a non starter. He would have to be astounding in other ways to make me turn a blind eye to the lying and continuing to throw a finger up while you have been going without.

Can't you just take control of his money my friends husbands the same and she pretty much gives him pocket money

Arsiness on his part, NOT arsines. He wouldn't want them again, took ages to clear up last time!

My husband used to be self-employed. He had a different attitude to me then. Firstly, he used to say that if he needed money, he could always earn more, and also, as he was dealing with larger sums of money, small amounts meant nothing. Ie. He used to buy equipment for £50-100, so a sandwich and a coffee costing £5 was insignificant.

Jackie - people used to have lots of joy without masses of possessions in the past. It is possible to enjoy life without having the latest gizmo or the latest faddy fashion.

We are all fed a huge commercial lie in today's materialistic environment and that is that spending brings happiness. It's a lie! We only need the essentials plus joyful life experiences (many of which are free) and having loved ones around us.

Look at some of the minimalist lifestyle websites. They have a certain freedom as they aren't bogged down by the weight of their cluttering possessions.

FUCKING HELL imi22sleeping

"Can't you just take control of his money my friends husbands the same and she pretty much gives him pocket money"

If a man wrote that he'd rightly get his balls chopped off!!!

I think you are sadly totally incompatible in this area. Sometimes loving someone isn't enough.

Does he have a pension? Retirement plans? An emergency fund? etc?

Sounds like he just exists in the here and now and closes his mind to the practicalities and future needs.

That's going to make someone like you - who plans and looks forward realistically and not in a pie in the sky way - feel very anxious and insecure.

Or maybe he thinks that he doesn't have to bother, because he's got you working and saving and financing it all so he can just ride on your coat tails...

Whatever it is, I think staying with him, in this situation, is not going to make you happy. If you're already thinking of leaving him, he needs to know this.

He can then make a choice. Does he want to stay with you, which requires growing the hell up. Or does he want to keep spending all his money like a kid, acting like the future will magically take care of itself, in which case he can enjoy that on his own and then he's only taking himself down.

There's a line, isn't there, between scrimping and saving every penny and spending money like it's going out of fashion.

OP I think it's the lying that would be the deal breaker for me. The actual behaviour not so much - if he has always been this way then he may find it hard to alter.

Best advice I've ever heard is that you shouldn't expect to be able to change someone else to improve your relationship.

DH and I are both pretty spend-happy but we are fortunate enough to have a decent income and can still save without really cutting back spending. If one of us wanted to count every penny and the other didn't then I think the relationship would have been a non-starter.

It sounds as though he sees his spare money as his and you see it as family money, ie " our" savings. He won't change with that now, if you have dc and he still puts his personal lifestyle first.

What are you going to do with your savings? Consider it yours now? I would and I'd be really annoyed at funding a nice holiday or soemthing with money I'd saved and he just assumed I'd pick up the slack.

How old are you both and your children?

I think you ought to part. Sounds as if you have different goals. You want to own a home, he doesn't- or isn't willing to sacrifice anything in order to have that.

However- surely this kind of thing ought to have been discussed years back when you first married him? if you have rented all your lives, at what point did saving and owning a home become part of your joint agenda?

It sounds as if you have given him too many chances.