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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just googled my STBXH

34 replies

handfulofcottonbuds · 22/01/2015 00:58

I know, I know, I have no idea why I did it. I haven't seen him for 8 months. I will never see him again.

We are fighting out legalities of financial settlement through solicitors and I truly hope it ends soon so I can sell this damn house full of memories, finalise my divorce and really start my new life!

So I googled him on images. For 11 years, he was gorgeous, tall, professional looking and well groomed. He's been with OW (who is stunning by the way), for almost 18 months now. When we were together, people commented that he looked like a film star.

There was one photo of him on a professional site. He has overgrown hair, a big ginger beard (no offence to those with ginger hair meant), his shirt collar looks creased and he looks so different that I almost scrolled past him.

Don't get me wrong, looks aren't important, I've certainly learnt that - but I loved him completely and would have stayed loyal forever.

I suppose I'm posting because the last time I stupidly did something like this, I almost didn't make it through the night. Maybe I know now that my divorce is close and a chapter is closing.

If he was on a dating site, I wouldn't even look at him. What a waste. I just think it's all sad. I'll never understand how someone can cause a world of pain - get what they want and end up looking like a tramp.

It's just sad Sad

OP posts:
coolaschmoola · 22/01/2015 01:05

Is it sad? Maybe he feels that he doesn't have to put so much effort into looking perfect all the time any more.

I'm sorry, but you seem to be quite appearance focused, maybe he is relaxing from that. That's not sad.

catzpyjamas · 22/01/2015 01:08

What a lucky escape you've had OP! You could be still married to a scruffy beardy guy who didn't know how lucky he was but instead you're free and about to get a new home. Pity the OW as it sounds like you had him at his best and she got leftovers...

GingerCuddleMonster · 22/01/2015 01:09

oh god if my ex husband (what a dick) googled me now he'd have a shock, I'm about a stone heavier ( in my defence I've not long expelled a human being from my body) my hair is much shorter and my clothing style has changed.

people change, life changes people I don't think it's "sad"

Fanjango · 22/01/2015 01:11

You are looking for a way to feel better about yourself. How he is doing should not come into it. He's happy, he's changed. I'm guessing being unhappy, you or him, played a part in the breakdown of your relationship. Be happy that he has moved on and be extra tic that the most exciting times still lay ahead for you. Don't look back its all about the future now SmileSmile

NoArmaniNoPunani · 22/01/2015 01:11

Sounds as though he's gone for a hipster look. Not everyone's cup of tea but quite fashionable

Fanjango · 22/01/2015 01:12

Excited not ex tic! Grin

Original poster
handfulofcottonbuds · 22/01/2015 01:12

cool - it's all I have to focus on. It's not in my nature to be like that at all but I can only go by a photo as to how much he has changed. I know nothing about him anymore and yes, it is sad that a huge chapter of my life is closing.

Maybe if he saw me, he'd think the same, that I have changed so much.

OP posts:
Original poster
handfulofcottonbuds · 22/01/2015 01:33

Reading my OP, it does make me sound focused on looks and a bit shallow, I realise that.

It was always him who was obsessed with his appearance and I suppose that's what I find strange. It just reinforces the fact that I no longer know him. I guess that changed the day I found out he cheated on me.

I think I posted as I feel so different to the last time, over a year ago, that I googled his OW. Curiosity almost finished me. Now I feel just sad.

I still can't understand how someone you loved so completely can now be a total stranger. Perhaps it's all part of the divorce process.

As I've changed back to my maiden name, I'm getting a lot of people congratulating me on my wedding! It hits me and as I don't want to explain, I just change the subject.

OP posts:
HelenaDove · 22/01/2015 02:22

Im sorry to hear this Cotton Buds. I think because we have not long entered a new year there can sometimes be a tendency to look back I kept thinking about the past a year ago and got very depressed. How is your social life. Have you dated at all (nothing wrong if you havent I hate the assumption that women HAVE to have a man) Blimey if some of my exes saw me now theyd see i was several stone lighter I think we all change when we are ready too. And remember he cheated on you Thanks

3mum · 22/01/2015 06:38

I get what you are saying Cottonbuds. I think it is just part of moving on. I look now at my ex and wonder what I ever saw in him. Why was I so upset over this really very ordinary man who is really a bit of a childish twonk? I can't even really remember what being with him was like now and we were together for years. I probably only have a handful of memories and tellingly they are all of him criticising me in one way or another or telling me I did not measure up in some way.

I don't miss him!

Original poster
handfulofcottonbuds · 22/01/2015 07:21

Thank you

It is the whole new year thing and I do have lots of plans but at the moment, I'm stuck in a kind of limbo until I'm divorced.

I was just feeling sad last night as I'd had such a bad day at work and I realised that I couldn't just come home and vent to someone.

I get what you mean 3mum - my memories are fading and already, my previous life seems like a lifetime ago. He just looked like a stranger.

OP posts:
catzpyjamas · 22/01/2015 07:36

Good Morning cottonbuds! I think what I like about MN is that when you've had a bad day, there is always someone to vent to (and the occasional "get over it" reply...)
Have a better day, today! Smile

Original poster
handfulofcottonbuds · 22/01/2015 07:38

You're right catz thanks Smile

OP posts:
Handywoman · 22/01/2015 07:39

My stbxh has also had a makeover: he has a totally new set of friends, has morphed into a copy of his new best friend: whereas with me he wore the same jeans and t shirts for ten years, he now wears shirts and waistcoats, has a beard/earring/hat and waistcoat. What an utter twat! He has reinvented himself as the victim of a lunatic wife, when in reality he was a miserable, angry, lazy, emotionally-retarded EA grade A bastard.

It hurts. It shouldn't but it does.

Sadly no need to Google as he babysits our dc EOW (notice no mention of co-parenting: he's not up to that) so I have to see him.

I actually have some form of PTSD because seeing the all shiney-and-reinvented him is traumatic and sends me into 'fight or flight' mode.

Doesn't change the fact that leaving the bastard was one of my best ever decisions.

Hugs to you OP.

Original poster
handfulofcottonbuds · 22/01/2015 07:48

Handy - that is a big transformation! Thanks for your post and understanding.

Yes, they do reinvent themselves. They can't hide the real them though, it comes through eventually.

OP posts:
FoolishFay · 22/01/2015 07:50

Is it tied up with the fact that there is some sort of expectation that he should have gone into some sort of 'better life' to justify leaving you? And yet he seems to have let himself go externally, which we usually associate with someone not being internally happy. I think I would find that confusing and a bit sad, because of all the destruction that came from his choice if a new life but, if I'm honest, a little bit satisfying as it suggests love's young dream may not be all that!

But hold onto the fact that you are champing at the bit to get on with your new life....that's much more important by far!

Original poster
handfulofcottonbuds · 22/01/2015 07:59

Yes Fay - that's part of it. Just like I was so confused the couple of times I saw him last year and he smelt....really bad.

You're right, I will focus on my new life after this limbo period.

OP posts:
Hobbitwife001 · 22/01/2015 13:59

I totally understand cottonbuds, i see my stbxh now, and think 'meh' , you're no loss mate, he looks like some kind of predatory parrot, scruffy jeans and fleece, and the ow is always immaculate, she will have a struggle trying to get him to look decent. It is just part of the process of moving on honey, we all want a reason why we weren't good enough for them, and to see them not looking outstandingly handsome and put together boosts our damaged self esteem a little bit. Don't do it anymore though, he really isn't worth your time, onwards and upwards! A new life beckons, don't look back on the old one. Xx

Paddlingduck · 22/01/2015 17:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Onmyownwith4kids · 22/01/2015 17:50

Agree with that. Think how far you have come. I remember your threads so clearly right down to the horror of the first Christmas and the boss with enforced festive mug! I've been through same journey as you nisi through last week. My ex looks dreadful to. I see him because of the kids. He admits he's miserable and I bet yours is too. I'm so sad about what happened. There's a part of me that will never get over the fact the person who saw me bring 4 children into the world betrayed me so badly. But we're lucky they showed us their love was too shallow to cope with ups and downs of life. It's taking me a long time to get over the grief but getting there and at least we're not stuck in a relationship based on lies hurt and deceit trying to prove it was all worth it,

TitchyThings · 22/01/2015 18:02

Hi, cottonbuds, I've followed your journey from day one.

You've had some very bad times, but you're still here, and I always like it when I see your name on a thread. You are right, it is sad and a waste, but it's most definitely his loss not yours.

I wish you so much luck for the future, you deserve it.Flowers

Original poster
handfulofcottonbuds · 22/01/2015 18:07

Oh my goodness, what lovely, lovely posts! I am in tears at how you remember my posts but am so grateful that you understand.

Sadly my boss is still a vile, nasty person and even today mentioned that she doesn't think I am capable of my job because of my divorce and I need to prove myself to her.

I never discuss my divorce, I am the ultimate in hard workers, well respected and get so much thanks for what I do but she doesn't like that I'm popular and don't get involved in her bitter bitchiness. That's why it was so hard for me yesterday. I have never worked with such a nasty woman.

I have another job where I voluntarily take care of terminally ill patients, it's where I'm happiest, it's a wonderful place. People I work with are absolutely amazing and the patients say I brighten their day. I think it makes me wonder how terribly some can hurt others so much and get satisfaction from it.

I will never forget the support I have had on here, never!

OP posts:
Original poster
handfulofcottonbuds · 22/01/2015 18:10

Titchy - thank you so much xx

OP posts:
Ouchbloodyouch · 22/01/2015 19:20

Aww sweetie! I saw my ex recently in his spanking new clothes. His ow had taken him shopping (bless) whilst I am still same old same old. I guess she is not ow any more either.
I'm frog by the way! I mean to keep changing my name back x

Ouchbloodyouch · 22/01/2015 19:22

I keep meaning to change my name back that should read! I forgot my password. Not that I am royalty Wink