Just googled my STBXH

[handfulofcottonbuds]

I know, I know, I have no idea why I did it. I haven't seen him for 8 months. I will never see him again.

We are fighting out legalities of financial settlement through solicitors and I truly hope it ends soon so I can sell this damn house full of memories, finalise my divorce and really start my new life!

So I googled him on images. For 11 years, he was gorgeous, tall, professional looking and well groomed. He's been with OW (who is stunning by the way), for almost 18 months now. When we were together, people commented that he looked like a film star.

There was one photo of him on a professional site. He has overgrown hair, a big ginger beard (no offence to those with ginger hair meant), his shirt collar looks creased and he looks so different that I almost scrolled past him.

Don't get me wrong, looks aren't important, I've certainly learnt that - but I loved him completely and would have stayed loyal forever.

I suppose I'm posting because the last time I stupidly did something like this, I almost didn't make it through the night. Maybe I know now that my divorce is close and a chapter is closing.

If he was on a dating site, I wouldn't even look at him. What a waste. I just think it's all sad. I'll never understand how someone can cause a world of pain - get what they want and end up looking like a tramp.

It's just sad

hi cotton. It is weird seeing how they change after they leave you, sometimes they look better, sometimes they look worse.

The main thing is to remember that you are better off without him. I know how hard it is when you love somebody so deeply, but you have come so far in twelve months, remember that.

xx

I think it's totally natural to do what you've done and perhaps an essential part of the healing process. I heard on the grapevine that my ex had got married 6 months after my divorce came through and Facebook is a beautiful thing sometimes.

She had the wedding I wanted, friends and family all there, looking gorgeous and happy (my wedding was very surreptitious because at the time he was having his first affair and my pa didn't even get to give me away, I hated every minute of it). He bullied me all the way up the aisle.

However, counting my blessings, I now sleep at night, am master of my own destiny and have an amazing DP who wants to marry me one day, and makes me smile 50+ times a day by his general brilliance as an amazing Dad, partner and all round lovely guy.

My ex on the other hand got married for the third time, was botoxed to within an inch of his life in the pics, has a set of Simon Cowell showbiz teeth and is a cheating, lowlife abusive wanker. None of his family were at the wedding. That told me a lot.

I didn't read your original threads sadly as I haven't been here very long but from what I hear you have a great life ahead of you and an amazing smiley heart. Be patient and a great life will land at your feet. Always believe that xx

Cotton the sadness can feel overwhelming sometimes, not just because of what he has done but because his behaviour has led to a set of circumstances that you never thought would happen. You married him, you loved him and you were loyal to him. You had a life together and you thought it would stay that way. Now you no longer even see him and it is not how you thought it would be when you got married. If you add in that he looks nothing like he was when he is with you it just reinforces how separate your lives are now and that does make you sad. You probably thought he would be instantly recognisable and it has thrown you that he wasn't.

But you sound like you are in a much better place than when you looked at the OW. Keep looking forward, hopefully your divorce will be finalised soon and then you can start your new life.

I didn't see your thread that several posters have mentioned but I have seen lots of your posts and you seem lovely and are clearly well thought of. I hope everything works out for you.

I dress down a bit to see my x to make it clear to him that i dont care if he thinks im a fat ugly cow!!

You made me google my XH and gosh he has aged! I'm not sure whether I would prefer him to be looking old and miserable or happy and sexy as the former will trigger uncomfortable guilt and the latter bitterness that he is getting on okay without me. I think probably the easiest to deal with would be same old same old.

Sounds like you have had a lucky escape if he is now a smelly weirdo!

If it makes you feel any better, a friend of mine ran across my stbx on a dating site (he's signed up to every one going, so no big shock there!). His picture looked like one of those you see on the news for the terrorists that are on the loose. A bit of a shock.

weird, some ancestor of my x's has his mug on google images but my x who is currently ALIVE does not he is really under the radar there.

Thank you, you have all talked such sense and it makes me realise that the feelings I had when I posted are normal.

I am overwhelmed by the lovely posts and feel much stronger again now. Now that I have done it, I know there is no need to google again, I am glad though that for me it didn't hurt. I didn't have that awful physical pain when I saw him. That's gone thank goodness.

Cotton, I am not always on mumsnet but these days when I was on it I was thinking of you. I do remember your threads very well. Had to look for you through the search. Not stalking grin.
I know what you mean abut his looks. Do you think he might be depressed? I also know some partners compliment the other half on their not best looks so no-one would fall in love with them. Also for some partners it does not work when both of them are looking great. You know personal ego to stand out.

How is your lovely DS by the way? He was your shoulders at the worst time, wasn't he?

Your boss is not unique unfortunately. May be one day you can change your career. Good luck with the divorce if it is still on! X