Help to get a bit of perspective

[mermaid101]

I feel so silly, but I'm really upset about an incident with my mum.

We have a baby and a 3 year old. My mum was at my house today. She looked after the baby while I took my dd to a play date.

At the play date, my dd was given a pair of shoes the other child no longer needed. They were too big for her and had a bit of a heel on them.

When she came home she was wearing them and was wobbling about on them. My DH was worried she would hurt herself and made her take them off. My dd had a tantrum.

My mum then curled into a ball on the floor and started crying and then ran upstairs and sat on the stairs crying. I didn't see this, but my husband came into the kitchen where I was cooking dinner and told me.

I went up to speak to my mum and she said she was so distressed at the way my DH was treating my dd. she then went home, very suddenly and obviously in a bad mood/upset.

I find my mum quite difficult. This is how she used to behave when I was growing up. I feel really shaken and sick. I find her disapproval so hard to deal with. I don't know what to do about this.

This isn't normal behaviour is it? What can I do about this?
I feel really silly, but my hands are shaking and a feel close to tears.

Can anybody give me some perspective/ advice/ calming words?

I think your mother needs some form of intervention with trained professionals. This is not normal behaviour and I would not let my child witness this sort of thing because it is not normal and neither is it a normal response to the type of circumstance you describe.

The missing piece though I think is what your DH said to DD. If all he did was say 'DD, take off those shoes, you will fall' and when DD had a tantrum said 'DD stop your fussing' or put her in 'time out' then your DM sounds like she was making it all about 'her' to me. But if your DH was yelling to 'take those %(#*% shoes off' and smacked her for her tantrum or something, maybe I'd feel differently!

Either way her behaviour was a bit much, but I think you need to provide more information.

No,not normal by your mum, does she have MH issues?

Is it her disapproval that is hard to deal with or her (assuming your DH was reasonable in his behaviour) behaviour?

Depends what your DH said, and how he said it. But, yes, on the surface, it seems like a huge - and odd - overreaction.

My DH was not shouting or anything. He was more like the first example. He was just insistant that the shoes came off, in case she hurt herself. He then took the shoes away out of sight to try to bring the situation to a close.

My dd was very tired which probably have fuel to her upset. My DH said my mum was trying to comfort her, but my dd kept pushing her away. This is normal for her when she is so upset.

Unless your husband was abusive towards your daughter she hugely overreacted. Does she have a history of mh problems or was she just being overdramatic?

Is your mum melodramatic all the time. My mum has tendencies like this, I did tell her once to get a grip because I didn't want my children to witness it. She did it all the time when I was growing up and it made me a very fretful child.

Have you posted about your mum versus your dh before?

What I'm asking is has this happened before, where your mum is concerned about how your dh parents your child?

No, I haven't posted about this sort of thing before (my mum and DH and parenting).

I have posted about my mums behaviour with regard to other situations a few times.

What should I do about this? I have no idea how to proceed.

To be clear, I have absolutely no concerns whatsoever with regard to my dh's interactions with our children. He is an excellent dad.

I had allowed her to wear the shoes at the play date, so there might have been a slightly mixed messages to my dd, but my DH was unaware as he was just in from work and I was in another room.

If that's so, then I think your mum has a serious problem! Her overreacting is NOT helpful to your DD in one little bit. It may even cause your DD to bottle up her feelings to avoid upsetting her grandmother or others when she should be able to express things like not wanting to kiss granny or not liking brussels sprouts, iyswim. Tantruming is never good, but overreacting like your mother did is just as bad. No, actually, it's worse. She's an adult.

Frankly, if it were me I'd probably tell my mother (who by the way limited her disapproval of some our discipline strategies to an ignorable cat's bum mouth ) that if she ever reacted that way in front of my child again I would have to seriously consider whether her being around my child was a good thing.

I'm also going to very gently suggest that you, yourself, have been impacted by your mother's emotional overdrive reactions. It may be something you need to work on, too. Becoming strong in the face of your mother's disapproval and 'tantrums' (because that is what they are) can only help you and your child(ren) in the future.

Surrey, it's both really. I suppose I feel like her behaviour is indicative of her disapproval. Because her actions are so extreme, I think I feel her disapproval must be immense

Lunar, that is exactly how I did/do feel: fretful. I just can get this into perspective as a dramatic turn which isn't really within normal bounds of behaviour. The irony is, that my mum was so strict and prone to rages when I was a child. Her reaction to my dh's quite reasonable precaution, (as I see it) seems baffling.

That isn't altogether logical mermaid, seems unlikely that the "level" of your mum's behaviour is linked to the level of her disapproval. was that how you saw it when you were a child? More likely that she gets disproportionately anxious or upset about incidents, feelings or whatever and acts inappropriately, perhaps because of a MH condition. or (cynically) just has the habit of doing this to manipulate!

What worries you about her disapproval? My DM disapproves of MANY of my choices and expresses this in subtle and not so subtle ways! it feels uncomfortable and sometimes upsetting, but I do my thing anyway and it's fine.

In terms of what you should do, I personally wouldn't want my DM (with her history and recent dramatics) alone with my DC and would (quietly) try to avoid this. If she behaves like this more than once or twice around DC and wouldn't accept that this was inappropriate, would have to consider spending time with her much at all, so as to avoid my DC being affected.

You know her well, perhaps raising this with her directly would spark more odd behaviour!

mermaid, in reality everyone's mother disapproves of their parenting at one time or another. But we should all be able to shrug off their disapproval without it 'getting to us' in a major way. That's just the nature of the beast. They irritate us with their disapproval and/or suggestions, we fume a little, it's done. Rinse, repeat.

It's obvious that your mother's histrionic disapproval really gets to you and it's not surprising given that you've been exposed to it since you were a child. Don't think for one second that she doesn't know what she's doing to you. She definitely does. And she also knows that it works. If you can find a way to break that cycle, she'll probably stop. If it continues after you've either called her on it and/or stopped reacting to it, then she really does have some type of personality disorder and is in need of professional help.

Thanks for these, they have been very helpful.

I'm trying to decide whether or not to say anything to her. What normally happens is that she just pretty much pretends that the outburst hasn't happened and just carries on as normal. I then feel as if I'm walking on eggshells.

Much as I'd like to draw some boundaries, I don't know if I feel able for the potential carnage which might be evoked. My DH says he will speak to her and tell her that she is quite welcome to discuss any parenting shortcomings she feels he has, I private and away from the DCs, but he will not have her behaving like that in front of them.

This seems like a good course of action, but I feel so nervous about it. I don't know why. But what I am realising is that my mum has a profoundly negative effect on me. This is worrying.

Either she has MH issues or she is being emotionally manipulative.

You have known her your whole life and we do not know her. Which of these sounds most likely to you?

If you think she has MH issues can you ask her to seek help?

If you think she is manipulative (which sounds more likely to me) then I would distance myself from her physically and emotionally. If she gets the rage, so what? You are a mother yourself now and you have to protect DD from her.

For the sake of your DCs, your mother needs to be told, by either you or DH, that her behaviour will not be tolerated.

I really think you might benefit from talking to a counselor. Someone with insight into people like your mother. Someone who can give you the tools you need to deal with her and not be intimidated or frightened.

Addendum; I don't have a problem with your DH talking to her, that's fine, but she needs to understand that the words are from BOTH of you. Otherwise she'll just pull another scene with you entitled 'how can you let your DH talk to me that way'.

Thanks again, everyone! I had a think about it last night (not much sleep). Over the last few months, I've slowly been trying to establish my boundaries, with regard to my mums behaviour and I think this might have been, at least in part, a reaction to this.

I am going to speak to her about this. I was going to tell her how upsetting I found this behaviour - this particular incident and also how it reminded me of how she behaved when I was a child. The point I will be making is that I do not want my children to feel as I did as a child when she had these tantrums, but also to point out that they have affected me as an adult.

My mum is very critical of how "stressy" and "highly strung" she finds me. I feel a lot of this is due to being placed in situations like this.

Do you think this sounds ok? I feel sure I will be able to remain calm and unemotional. I have to be like this at work, so am well practised at keep my head in difficult situations.

It's not about the shoes.

Your mum curled up in a ball and started howling. That is not simply an overreaction. It is an extreme reaction. Perhaps you're desensitised to it if you experienced it as a child. I mean, I know you said you found it very upsetting which is understandable but to most people it would seem completely bonkers and they'd have called her on it straight away.

Blimey, no wonder you get stressy!

To me, it sounds like emotional abuse and I'd try to protect your daughter from it. I'm sorry you experienced it as a child. No wonder you are still affected by it.

Where is your dad in all this? Is he still around? Do you have siblings?

I think your boundaries are still too low and need to be further raised. She should no longer visit your home particularly after the last incident there.

What do you want to achieve by talking to your mother?. Do you want an apology or an acceptance from her that she is indeed responsible for her own actions?. You will be sorely disappointed if that is the case. What you want from this chat and what you may well get as a result may well be two very different things. It will not help and could make you feel a lot worse. This is not at all like dealing with difficult people at work. You felt shaken and sick the last time you saw her; with all due respect I do not think this is an action you should take now on your own. If you do talk to her, this needs to come equally from both of you.

I would consider counselling re talking about your dysfunctional mother but you need to find someone who has no familial bias about keeping families together.

It sounds to me like your mother has not fundamentally altered in personality since you were yourself a child. She is also not above projecting onto you either (she is really making you feel stressed and upset, not the other way around). I would keep well away from your mother and you need to protect your child further from her influence.

I would also suggest you post on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread and read the resources at the beginning of same if you have not already done so.

That plan of yours sounds good mermaid. You do need to add one thing: that she cannot act like this around your daughter again. It's not healthy behaviour at all for her to see.

It puts you in a very strong position, being able to be calm and unemotional.

and yes its no bloody wonder you're stressy when you're dealing with this kind of thing with a grown adult. I have some experience of it and it really does make you tense! If nothign else you're never able to relax because you are waiting for the next episode.

However, my dad is dead. I really miss him. He was the opposite of my mum; very cheerful and lighthearted. Mostly.
My sister has problems with my mum as well. She is very supportive.

My mum had a similar type of outburst at my house a couple of years ago. When I called her on it, she was very defensive and have me the most grudging apology I have ever had. She did behaved quite "well" for a period after the event though.

Attila, I'm greatful for your advice. You have posted on previous threads. Thanks for taking the time to reiterate what you have said. I know that the right thing would be to be much more decisive and take a harder line. I just can't find it in me to do it and I don't know why.

I would like to get counselling, but I agree with what you say about finding someone who would not focus on the family ties. How would I do that?