Help to get a bit of perspective

[mermaid101]

I feel so silly, but I'm really upset about an incident with my mum.

We have a baby and a 3 year old. My mum was at my house today. She looked after the baby while I took my dd to a play date.

At the play date, my dd was given a pair of shoes the other child no longer needed. They were too big for her and had a bit of a heel on them.

When she came home she was wearing them and was wobbling about on them. My DH was worried she would hurt herself and made her take them off. My dd had a tantrum.

My mum then curled into a ball on the floor and started crying and then ran upstairs and sat on the stairs crying. I didn't see this, but my husband came into the kitchen where I was cooking dinner and told me.

I went up to speak to my mum and she said she was so distressed at the way my DH was treating my dd. she then went home, very suddenly and obviously in a bad mood/upset.

I find my mum quite difficult. This is how she used to behave when I was growing up. I feel really shaken and sick. I find her disapproval so hard to deal with. I don't know what to do about this.

This isn't normal behaviour is it? What can I do about this?
I feel really silly, but my hands are shaking and a feel close to tears.

Can anybody give me some perspective/ advice/ calming words?

Are you really 'stressy' and 'highly strung' or is that just your mother's way of making you suppress your valid reactions to her histrionic overreactions? Think about it. What better way for her to fend off criticism of her irrational behaviour than to make you feel that your attempts to deal with it are overreacting?

As far as finding a counselor, I think it's a matter of seeing one and telling them what you want to change about yourself and want someone who will assist you in deciding if you want to continue to have a relationship with your mother. If they don't seem to 'mesh' with you and what you want to accomplish, then you see another one. DH and I saw 3 before we found the right fit for what we wanted.

And I agree that, if you do speak with her, your DH should be there so she understands that he backs you up 100%. It would also be nice if you and your sister could present a united front, would that be possible?

the BACP should have a list of counsellors. I think there is another professional organisation too but I'm not sure of it's name.

I guess ring them up and ask a few questions about how they see families. Some definitely have an emphasis on keeping families together and putting up with all sorts of shit .

Thank you for your kind comments .

Would second Meerka's recommendation re BACP along with her counsel to find someone that has NO bias about keeping families together despite the presence of mistreatment.

I think your late father acted as a buffer to her excesses of behaviour. Your sister is supportive so I would use her as further real life support too.

It may be that on some level you still seek and want her approval; this may be one of the reasons why you have not taken a harder line with her to date. It may also be that a small part of you still hopes even now that she will change.

Thanks for the advice about the counsellor. Ill start looking into that. I think that's one for the medium future.

I'm seeing my mum tomorrow. This was pre arranged. I am going to speak to her. My plan is to focus on the "out burst" and not get dragged into a wider conversation, which will inevitably be along the lines of how badly I treat her and/or how badly I live my life and bring up my children.

I know, from past experience, she will try to say that what provoked her behaviour was so bad it warranted such a response, but I am determined not to be side tracked.
Does this sound like a good plan?

Reading these responses has given me some much needed confidence. I honestly have no idea about what is normal behaviour when it comes to my mother and often doubt myself.

If be delighted to read any more thoughts/ shared experiences if people had time.

Best of luck to you tomorrow. Stay strong.

Rehearse some phrases to deflect her, if you can think of any. "That's not what we're here to talk about" or "I don't want to talk about that, it has nothing to do with this" or "We're not here to talk about what DH did, we're here to talk about what YOU did" maybe? Does she have specific events or issues that she trots out to beat you up with or sidetrack you? You would know more about what she might specifically say. Try to think of that and what you can say (nor NOT say) to keep things on track and not allow yourself to be distracted. Practice them with your DH or in a mirror.

you mention your dh discussing with your dm how he parents. I feel that this would give your dm the impression she is being consulted about how your children are being raised and disiplined and tbh, I don't think this is any of her business. You are both raising your children and the only discussions about how you and your dh are parenting is between you two - your mother has no place in that discussion.

Hope things improve for you.

Well, my mum came this morning. I waited until we were on our own then I called her into the kitchen and asked her to sit down.

I told her that her behaviour had been complely disproportionate to the circumstances and very upsetting for us all to witness. I then said that I didn't want her to behave like that in my house ever again.

She just said ok and then carried on as normal. I was some raging or attacks on our parenting, so I was a bit non plussed.

I know it might not seem like much, and that lots of people would have done this straight away when it happened, but I feel it was a small victory for me. I feel a very slight shift in the balance of power and I'm happy about that.

Thank you all for taking the time to post. Your responses have me courage and clarity! I don't think I would have done this otherwise.

I did hope to bring up a few other points with her, but it didn't really seem like the right time. I feel like I might have taken some tentative steps along a path to a better future/relationship. I'm going to keep working on these boundaries!

I was expecting some raging. ..

you sound so much more positive and assertive - no mean feat when you have had years of her over reacting.

Oh, very good! It may be that, in retrospect, even she knew she'd crossed the line. Even more important then that you called her on it!

Yay, you!

Glad you were able to confront your mum, OP. I wanted to post to say that your mum's reaction (curling into a ball and howling) is not normal, and does suggest a MH problem of some kind.

I'd also be wary about leaving your DD with your mother on her own. I say this because my mum had MH problems when I was young (PND followed by years of 'being fragile') and the comment by a previous poster about your DD learning to suppress her emotions to not upset granny really resonated with me. My mum was someone who had to be 'protected' and 'looked after' - I wonder if you experienced this too?

My mum is very critical of how "stressy" and "highly strung" she finds me.

What a very odd thing for your mum to say because her behaviour sounds like the very epitome of highly strung. What she did was very far from normal and it must have been astonishing for your husband to observe.

Just seen your latest post op. It seems pretty clear that on some level your mum knows that what she did was inappropriate, which is why she didn't react. I think you dealt with it very well and sound the opposite of highly strung.

Well done you for being clear with her. Her lack of histrionics when you called her on it shows that she knows she was miles out of line and that her behaviour was a choice.

As for being "stressy" I'd be exploding with stress at behaviour like that from a stranger let alone my own mother!

If she does it again, you and your husband need to tell her to 'get a grip'.

mermaid good to hear she listened :)

jsut a note of caution: it may be that she really won't do this again. But it may be that she will, either because she wasn't really taking in what you said or because she can't help herself.

Plan now how to handle it if she does do this again. Plan what to say and how to deal with it.

Depending on how far gone she is in behaving like this, that might vary from telling her sharply to stop it, or getting your husband to say that if you can't, to letting her do it and then shutting the door on her and not allowing her back for 6 months. Your mother sounds like a toddler; it's sad, but sometimes you have to use toddler-handling techniques with people behaving like this.

Hopefully it won't, but just in case.

Well done Mermaid you sound very positive and self aware and this all bodes well for you and your family. You have reminded me of my XMIL who used to do just this tantrumming. Once on Christmas day during a meltdown I absentmindedly suggested she go up to her room till she felt calmer and she blew a fuse because I had treated her "like a toddler".
Well if the cap fits...

It did help though. It was about three years before she did it again. And I decided we wouldn't be staying over with her any more as I didn't enjoy her shouting and carrying on at me.

I hope your DM takes the hint and behaves better too.