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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to get over a narcissist

47 replies

Aloneandnowwhat · 20/01/2015 17:59

So I'm aware of how ridiculous I am.
Relationship was started and finished within four months.
He was everything I ever wanted and more, and he made me feel I was the same to him. Never felt anything like it.
Since we broke up I can't stop thinking about him, I check my phone all day, I'm consumed with thoughts of him even though he was horrendous after we split. I know he's dating and am devastated.
What is wrong with me? It was four months ffs!
Any advice on how to make this less painful would be gratefully received.

OP posts:
MyRightFoot · 20/01/2015 18:17

the only thing to do is go nc. no checking on fb, nothing. if he is a true narcissist then u had a lucky escape. u cant win with these people. console yourself with the thought that u will grow as a person but he wont. there is no cure for a narcissist and so its groundhog day for him.

orangefusion · 20/01/2015 18:21

I've been there. I got over it by reading about narcissm and realising, that I meant nothing to him, nothing, none of what he said or did were from a place of love. He is incapable of love.

I did no contact with him or any of his friends or aquaintances. I made a concious choice to only associate with good wholesome people and stuck to it.

I deleted all reminders and access to finding out what he is up to. I concentrated on good things like my son and my job. I let myself mourn for my dream and I kept on keeping on. To be touched by a narcissist is to loose something of oneself- they are like vampires, they suck you till there is nothing left and when they leave or you realise that you have nothing left to give they continue as if nothing happened. And that is it entirely- nothing happened- he was not touched by you, he saw you as an object to be used and tossed aside.

You were lucky it was only four months, I know women who have been kept on a thread for decades by narcissists. Reclaim your life and apologise to friends who were discarded when you were totally enraptured and he (almost undoubtably) encouraged you to ignore or discard while you were seeing him.

You will feel like crap for a while. You will feel better. YOU WILL FEEL BETTER.

littleleftie · 20/01/2015 18:23

Agreed, you have to block him on your phone, on FB, everywhere. Have you tried baggage reclaim? I swear by it.

You have to see that the man you see now is the "real him" and the one you fell in love with was never real, he was just the mask. Thanks

Original poster
Aloneandnowwhat · 20/01/2015 18:41

I don't know what is better - consoling myself that he's just a horrible person and I'm better off, but that means all the things he said were just fake.
I keep thinking what kind of person could say those things and do those things without any guilt or remorse but I have to remember that he doesn't care about anyone - certainly not me.
I went back for more even after the things he said so my self esteem is none existent. I worry that I'll never be happy because nobody will ever match up to the person he pretended to be when we first met.
In four months he told me how to dress, how to speak to him, how to live my life basically - and I loved him all the more! But I know I couldn't love him because he didn't exist - just need to tell my heart the same thing.

OP posts:
Original poster
Aloneandnowwhat · 20/01/2015 18:52

Orangefusion you describe it well. I ache for him to call me, anything. I have been nc for four days and my God has it dragged.
Reading this I can't believe how pathetic I am Angry

OP posts:
Auriga · 20/01/2015 18:53

Also, remember that the good and positive things you experienced in the relationship did not come from him, they came from you. He simply picked up on them and reflected them back to you.

So, yes, maybe your self-esteem was at a low ebb. That would make it easier for him to create the illusion that he possessed those good qualities - because you were ready to attribute them to him.

But they're in you, otherwise he couldn't have hitched a ride on them (so to speak). As you recover, hold that thought. Reading about narcissism will help you, painful though it will be Sad

afghanda · 20/01/2015 18:59

Do you know if he has a history of doing this with other women? If you know of any of them, you could always reach out to one of them and make contact to talk about how he was with you. This might either be the worst idea ever or a good cathartic way of getting over it.

Otherwise, you know what to do - no contact and just ride it out, hard though it will be. I understand how difficult it is and the worry that nobody will ever live up to the person that he pretended to be. I've been there. Eventually, somebody did live up to it, but he was genuine and there was none of the over the top gestures and the other red flags. x

afghanda · 20/01/2015 19:03

PS When I first split up with my narcissist (I'd been with him for a couple of years), the first thought in my mind every morning when I woke up was "I'm not with him any more. He doesn't love me any more and I'm devastated." It was grim - really miserable. You have to tough it out. Eventually, it won't be the first thing you think of in the morning. And at some point, you won't have that thought at all. I split with mine over 10 years ago and have been married to a lovely man for years now, but I still think of my narcissist every day. The difference is, the thought is always "thank God I didn't stay with that horrible prick."

Original poster
Aloneandnowwhat · 20/01/2015 19:08

I don't know about his exes to be honest.
I only think he's a narcissist because of things I've read on mn. He was very ambitious and the centre of attention constantly, very charismatic. He told me he loved me more than he'd ever loved anyone, wanted to marry me, everything.

He would get very upset by small things - no kisses on a text from me or if I didn't text as soon as I woke up. If I raised any issue I had he would act like I'd just had a massive personal attack on him. In the week after we broke up he'd been on three dates, he's probably already moved on to the next person.
I am no contact now and will try to stay this way - I feel like I have a tiny bit of self respect back after begging him to try again.
I guess I need to look at why I was so easily taken in by him.

OP posts:
serengelly · 20/01/2015 19:16

Narcissists pick on people the polar opposite, people who aren't deceitful and manipulative, people who put others first, people who are loyal and honest. That is why we drive ourselves mad asking how and why.....there is no answer as narcissists are not human.

Meerka · 20/01/2015 19:22

They are very convincing and when the bright sun of their regard is shining on you, you feel like you blossom and grow and turn towards that light .... Then you are outside in the outer cold darkness longing for their regard again.

They are good. Very good. Don't blame yourself, but do read up on the posts that have info on Red Flags. The speed that he made you feel he adored you, the small stuff, those were all red flags. next time, you can step back and observe the man. Little things like how he treats waitresses, how he speaks to you ... you said that he told you how to dress, talk and live your life. Next time that happens, you can run - no, walk away with your head held high and with dignity.

it helps a bit if you realise that he made you feel so wonderful because he pressed all the buttons that almost everyone comes with, the ones to do with wanted to be loved wholeheartedly and made to feel valued and special. It's to do with your own need to be loved, much more than it is to do with him. That need to be loved is fine, everyone has it - just watch it when someone comes on too hard, too fast to make you feel he's fulfilled it.

I actually think myself that if someone fulfils every single button, then there's something wrong. No one person can be your all. If you get 90% you're doing very well.

elsabelle · 20/01/2015 22:57

I watch this thread with interest! What has helped me is going totally NC - not just with him but with all our mutual friends too. It took me a long time to do either but now that i have i am so much better (although it was agony at first).

Also reading up about narcissism and realising they are all the same (so spooky!) and that they will never change. This has somewhat helped to ease the pain and jealousy of the OW.

GloopySoupy · 20/01/2015 23:06

I worry that I'll never be happy because nobody will ever match up to the person he pretended to be when we first met.
You are half way there already. You know he was pretending.

I don't know what is better - consoling myself that he's just a horrible person and I'm better off, but that means all the things he said were just fake.
Yes, you have to truly accept that he was fake.

I recommend writing two lists: one list contains all his statements about his feelings and intentions (this is the list of LIES), the second list is all his statements complimenting you (this is the list of TRUTH).

elsabelle · 20/01/2015 23:20

Forgot to say that i would also recommend befriending the narcissists ex. I've just started meeting up with ExP's ex. We had always hated each other (he loved that!) but now realise we have so much in common and she's given me some good support. It helps so much to talk it through with someone else who really gets it, people who have no experience of narcissists fin it hard to relate (not their fault obvs).

LoodleDoodle · 21/01/2015 12:08

OP I am exactly where you are now, after an 8 month relationship, and reading about narcs has been like a light bulb going on in my head. It is hard to swallow that I have been so duped, but I realise that it is nothing to do with me. Narcs go for successful, caring, decent people, as it reflects well on them. I also think mine saw it as a challenge to break me.

All I can say is that I have had an incredibly lucky escape and now I know the signs I will be vigilant in future. I have spent a week wondering how on earth we could go from marriage talk to contempt and then dissappearance (although he has tried to hoover, I'm ignoring) and it's a relief to know that that person was never even real, none of it was.

KellyElly · 21/01/2015 13:05

I had a child with a narcissist. Be very grateful you had a short relationship and that he's totally out of your life. I wish I could get my ex out of mine as he still tries to fuck with my head three and a half years on from when I split up with him.

RosyAuroch · 21/01/2015 17:11

This helped me

As did this

GallicIsCharlie · 21/01/2015 17:18

I got over it by reading about narcissm and realising, that I meant nothing to him

Me, too, and thousands of others! You'll get people on here, and in real life, urging you to block it out and realise you deserve better than him. Of course it is true that you deserve much better! But 'blocking it out' ignores the absolute weirdness of having been involved with someone who doesn't see or hear you as a person. Learning about such disorders helped to explain the stuff that happened, identify where I made mistakes, and to feel much more confident that I'll recognise it next time (and run!)

I feel for you. Four months isn't long, but I'll bet it screwed you up no end. Best of luck - and know that you are right!

Sophrosyne · 21/01/2015 17:36

Everyone is spot on, I can't add too much more to whats already been said, except this.

These narc men will jump from new supply to new supply leaving a trail of broken, empty people in their wake. Like a shark swimming beneath the water, you don't realise what they are until it's too late. The first time you encounter this monster, you couldn't have know just how dangerous they were, so please don't blame yourself! You know now what a narc looks like.

Also, remember, that they will never be happy. They can't love and only use people. How awful a life is that, really. They are living in their own hell on earth., exactly what they deserve.

Original poster
Aloneandnowwhat · 21/01/2015 17:46

Thanks again, I'm feeling a little better.
When I read these things about him never being happy I can't help thinking maybe it was just me and he'll be perfect for someone else, live happily ever after while I grow old lonely.
I've got a number to access therapy through work so might give that a go, I know I'm co dependent so am a target for the wrong type of men.

OP posts:
elsabelle · 21/01/2015 17:51

ALONE that's how I feel too. Kills me to see OW and see how happy she looks (we work together so no choice). I know it's just the idealization / love bombing phase but it hurts so bad and I can't help but wonder if they'll be happy forever.

I've lost a lot of mutual friends too - such is the power of the narcissist that they were never going to stop hanging out with him. I have been totally pushed out like I'm the one who did something wrong. Sigh.

Therapy helps, I have had a lot! Hang in the there, it will get easier. X

MadiSontRoy45 · 21/01/2015 18:31

I've three kids were together fourteen years haven't been getting on in last couple years I think he narcissist what way is there behaviour?

queenoftheknight · 21/01/2015 18:34

The best thing you can do is to work out, possibly with the help of a professional. what gap he filled. Then work to close that gap yourself.

Pour that love into you.

springydaffs · 21/01/2015 19:55

Have you looked at the Sam Vaknin site? Also Out of the FOG.

Melanie Tonya Evans is good for getting over the massive hit of a narcissist. It's irrelevant it was only 4 months.

If you know you're codependent, have you been to CODA?

Getting over a narc takes a lot of work. It won't just go of its own accord. You have to put the work in .

You have my sympathies (fellow sufferer)

Original poster
Aloneandnowwhat · 21/01/2015 20:23

Wow you've all been so helpful!
I still think about him constantly.
I think I do need to look at the gap he filled and address that. And I will look at those springydaffs. What is CODA? I think I'm co dependent because I NEEDED him to make me happy - yet I was so independent when we met.

OP posts: