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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How to get over a narcissist

47 replies

Aloneandnowwhat · 20/01/2015 17:59

So I'm aware of how ridiculous I am.
Relationship was started and finished within four months.
He was everything I ever wanted and more, and he made me feel I was the same to him. Never felt anything like it.
Since we broke up I can't stop thinking about him, I check my phone all day, I'm consumed with thoughts of him even though he was horrendous after we split. I know he's dating and am devastated.
What is wrong with me? It was four months ffs!
Any advice on how to make this less painful would be gratefully received.

OP posts:
Springheeled · 21/01/2015 21:03

I wonder if it's possible to ever really get over a narcissist. I mean, time helps and knowledge helps but it's the kind of thing that just sends you sideways. In my experience anyway. It's so extraordinary in all ways- from how high the highs seem to how low the lows are to how very wtf????????????!!!!!!! The wtf moments are.

Aloneandnowwhat · 21/01/2015 21:18

God I hope I will get over him. I have to!

OP posts:
Springheeled · 21/01/2015 21:31

Depends what getting over him means? I can get along without mine but I don't think I'll ever be quite the same and I do find that at some point each day I will think of him- almost two years since we split up and six months since I last saw him. I still think I'm processing it and just when I think I'm done I start reprocessing it.

Aloneandnowwhat · 21/01/2015 21:36

I mean I want to never think about him again, I want to forget how it felt to be 'loved' by him.
I want to erase him from history!

OP posts:
MadiSontRoy45 · 21/01/2015 21:49

Hi all is a narcissist the same as an emotional abuser?im suffering from mental abuse at the moment we'll for a very long time but I think it something more wrong with him he has no sympathy for know one.

GallicIsCharlie · 21/01/2015 22:00

There may well be something wrong with him, Madi, but the main thing for now is getting him out of your life Flowers You have your own thread, I think? Good luck.

MadiSontRoy45 · 21/01/2015 22:07

No I don't have a thread new to this.

GallicIsCharlie · 21/01/2015 22:20

Just under "Topics > Relationships" at the top of this page, Madi, it says "Start new thread in this topic." Click it, give your thread a title and tell us your story.

SelfLoathing · 22/01/2015 00:04

I've been in this situation on and off for years. I've managed to be no contact for many months now. I'm doing well but I still think about him every day. It's shit but it does get better with time. Although I still think about him every day, it's less instrusive, less 100% of the time that it once was.

Read this and google around - there is a lot written on this that is helpful. Lisa E Scotts site is good as someone said above.

www.psychopathfree.com/narcissists/why-does-it-take-so-long-to-get-over-a-narcissist/

Watch out though because "Understanding Him" can become a hobby in its own right. I've read so much about Narcissism that I'm almost a qualified psychiatrist with a specialism in NPD and Sociopathy. Reading about it can help fuel your obsession if you get into it. Ask me how I know.

GallicIsCharlie · 22/01/2015 14:35

Ask me how I know. Grin

Be fair to yourself, SL, it's a steep learning curve and a lot of academic ground to cover if you want to avoid being all shock-horror-scandal about it. Once I felt I'd put together a decent picture of sociopathic disorders and how they present, I found I became equally interested in learning about well-balanced, functional relationships. I'm still interested in both but it's no longer my chief preoccupation. I've arrived at a point of reasonable confidence that I understand a hell of a lot more than I did, being better equipped to make sensible choices and to help others if needed.

pompodd · 22/01/2015 15:55

I hope no-one minds me asking and I certainly don't want to stop the OP getting support on this thread, but I'm a man and had never come across the concept of narcissists until I started reading threads on MN (I got into it because my wife is an avid reader). What I don't understand is: does the narcissist "know" what he is doing? Does he know but not care?

GallicIsCharlie · 22/01/2015 16:55

Yes and no. Narcissists/sociopaths don't have the same emotional range or operate to the same social rules as most of us. It's different - a bit like asking whether a predator knows/cares about its prey.

Aloneandnowwhat · 22/01/2015 19:12

So I have a coffee date tomorrow. Not sure if it's a good idea or fair on the guy, considering the feelings I still have for the ex, but I just want to try to see if I can feel something.

OP posts:
GallicIsCharlie · 22/01/2015 19:22

Well, it's just a coffee :) Hope you enjoy the chat!

SelfLoathing · 22/01/2015 23:11

Aloneandnowwhat I hear you. I decided to stay away from men and not date because I was sooo in love obsessed with this man. (To make matters worse he is married and I was an OW - there is a loong thread about my issues with him). Anyway, I have been on a couple of dates. Unsurprisingly they don't match up to The God but it has been good for me because it's good for your self esteem to realise men find you attractive and it also makes the unacceptableness of his behaviour more stark (spending time with men who behave "normally" is a good thing).

pompodd

A narcissist usually has some sense they are not like other people - even if that is symptoms of their grandiosity - but it depends how self aware they are.

If you are asking "do they conciously behave cruelly and KNOW what they are doing is wrong but choose to do it anyway", then the answer is no. It is part of their personality; it's in their nature. Google the fable of the frog and the scorpion. Says it all. Actually I'll cut and paste if I can find it hang on

SelfLoathing · 22/01/2015 23:12

One day, a scorpion looked around at the mountain where he lived and decided that he wanted a change. So he set out on a journey through the forests and hills. He climbed over rocks and under vines and kept going until he reached a river.

The river was wide and swift, and the scorpion stopped to reconsider the situation. He couldn't see any way across. So he ran upriver and then checked downriver, all the while thinking that he might have to turn back.

Suddenly, he saw a frog sitting in the rushes by the bank of the stream on the other side of the river. He decided to ask the frog for help getting across the stream.

"Hellooo Mr. Frog!" called the scorpion across the water, "Would you be so kind as to give me a ride on your back across the river?"

"Well now, Mr. Scorpion! How do I know that if I try to help you, you wont try to kill me?" asked the frog hesitantly.

"Because," the scorpion replied, "If I try to kill you, then I would die too, for you see I cannot swim!"

Now this seemed to make sense to the frog. But he asked. "What about when I get close to the bank? You could still try to kill me and get back to the shore!"

"This is true," agreed the scorpion, "But then I wouldn't be able to get to the other side of the river!"

"Alright then...how do I know you wont just wait till we get to the other side and THEN kill me?" said the frog.

"Ahh...," crooned the scorpion, "Because you see, once you've taken me to the other side of this river, I will be so grateful for your help, that it would hardly be fair to reward you with death, now would it?!"

So the frog agreed to take the scorpion across the river. He swam over to the bank and settled himself near the mud to pick up his passenger. The scorpion crawled onto the frog's back, his sharp claws prickling into the frog's soft hide, and the frog slid into the river. The muddy water swirled around them, but the frog stayed near the surface so the scorpion would not drown. He kicked strongly through the first half of the stream, his flippers paddling wildly against the current.

Halfway across the river, the frog suddenly felt a sharp sting in his back and, out of the corner of his eye, saw the scorpion remove his stinger from the frog's back. A deadening numbness began to creep into his limbs.

"You fool!" croaked the frog, "Now we shall both die! Why on earth did you do that?"

The scorpion shrugged, and did a little jig on the drownings frog's back.

"I could not help myself. It is my nature."

Then they both sank into the muddy waters of the swiftly flowing river.

GallicIsCharlie · 22/01/2015 23:22

:( Good story.

SelfLoathing · 23/01/2015 00:21

And that is the story of the person with narcissistic personality disorder.

Hurting you is something that is in their nature.

Treating them as the devil or evil is actually unfair - because they can't help it. Just as it is impossible for us to understand how they feel, why they react in that way - they just don't "get" how emotionally painful that kind of hurt can be - because most of the time they are dead inside.

I still love him. I am an idiot

wibblewobble5 · 23/01/2015 06:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Aloneandnowwhat · 23/01/2015 06:26

Thanks wibble. Had a text from him through the night, a one liner about some stuff he has. I'm proud that I didn't engage in conversation but I'm already questioning why he contacted me, some part of me hoping it was to declare he'd been an idiot etc.
I've made some exciting plans over the next couple of months so have a lot to look forward to.

OP posts:
LoodleDoodle · 23/01/2015 07:01

It's part of the pattern, OP, to see if there is any supply left in you. Hoovering you back in if you might still have some use. Be proud, and keep up the ignoring.

Aloneandnowwhat · 23/01/2015 08:09

Thanks Loodle - so glad I found mumsnet.
Lots of lovely intelligent individuals have helped me many times.

OP posts:
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