A promise kept?

[beautifullybroken]

My other half made me promise not to keep in touch with certain few people who are my friends this means no meeting up and no texting or emailing he has been specific in this.
I dont have friends as it is and totally alone, i obviously feel like arranging a meet up via text etc when he is at work but now i somehow feel guilty if i did this, even writing on here i feel like i am going behind his back. So i dont know whether to accept this or actually contact my friends

OP please re read your post and ask yourself what advice you would give the poster if you had to answer

How do you think he would react if you said "DP I know I promised not to contact my friends, but I think I felt under pressure. I am bored and lonely at home- one person is not enough. So just to let you know, I shall be in contact and arranging a meet up asap".

My advice is LTB anyway, though. I'm just asking the above because I expect you know how he'll react, and that it's abusive and unreasonable.

Lots of red flags here OP, really. He's an abusive bully who is isolating you from anyone who might be there to help and support you, essentially making you his prisoner. You don't have to do anything he says, you know?

Your children will be learning from you that an abusive ( because that's what it is) relationship like this is normal. You really need to consider this.

The more you post the worse it sounds.

He isolates you.

He breaks your stuff if you make him unhappy. You know the implication is that he can damage you if you make him unhappy right?

Your DC are seeing this. Your DC are learning this is how men and women treat each other and what a relationship should be like.

Dear goodness, Redglitter, I missed that.

I really wish you would contact womans aid, op. you seem close to understanding that this really is unacceptable.

Phew!

Even so, op. you do sound very much at risk of being totally isolated. Seeing friends in secret seems like no answer to me. There should be no reason for you to have to deceive your husband just to see your friends.

Re your earlier comment:-
"I dont want to leave him as i love him"

I would think that your "love" for him is infact co-dependency and not love at all. His words are not the actions of anyone who is truly loving towards you and he cares not a jot for your distress really.

He has ramped up the power and control over time and has you now almost completely conditioned to accepting things as he sees fit. He can have friends, you cannot. He can go out, he has you tied to the house. You know his treatment is wrong and there is a problem here otherwise you would not have posted.

Smashing up your possessions also is seen as domestic violence. He's never smashed up his own things has he?. He sees you merely as a possession to keep in a gilded cage of his own paranoid making.

May I ask how old your children are?. They are learning from the two of you about relationships and they are seeing precisely how a controlling relationship is played out. This is no life for them either. You and these children are his victims here and you were targeted by him as well.

Please talk to Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247 and they will help you leave this man. Fear as much as anything else keeps you within this but staying now is no longer an option for you. He will destroy you completely if you were to stay.

I agree, if he truly loved you he wouldn't treat you like this. It is not a loving relationship. You really need to get out before it gets worse.

There is a life out there where you can see friends and family and do what you want.

This is abusive behaviour OP. He is controlling, he breaks your things. Have you heard of the freedom programme? You can do it online. It explains patterns of abusive behaviour.

For the OP, and anyone else reading, this is an abusive relationship.

Oh, beautifully. You are in an abusive relationship. Your OH is abusive.

I understand that this is your norm, so it might seem strange to hear us call it abuse. But it is far from OK, and you deserve so much better.

No-one gets to control who you see, or break your things, or do "bad things". It is not respectful, it is not acceptable, and it is certainly not love.

The links at the top of this thread might be interesting for you to read.
You might also do well to call Women's Aid on 0808 2000 247.

And do call your friends, and open up to them about how your OH behaves with you.

Freedom Programme online for free here if you are unable to attend in person

www.onespace.org.uk/learning/

Oh OP you know in your heart of hearts that this isn't "love" don't you?

And I'm guessing the OP's DH is home from work now and she won't be able to answer now

Op, if you haven't read the post "Right, listen up everybody" at the beginning of Relationships, please do so.

That thread is speaking to people in your situation. How many points detailed there relate to you ? I've just re-read the first dozen or so - is that pretty much your life ?

As regards not seeing your friends, it's wrong however you look at it.

He should never have made you promise not to see them. You should not have to contemplate lying to him to see them. Neither should you be scared that if you do see them that he will be angry/violent etc.

You shouldn't have to worry about whether you should keep a promise, it's a promise that should never have been exacted from you.

It's a control tactic, he's a bully, and people who truly love other people don't want or need to bully or control them.

Everyone is entitled to have friends, to choose who those friends are, to have autonomy and choose how to spend their time. Everyone is entitled not to have their possessions damaged or destroyed.

Anyone who loved you would want those things for you. You must know that?