For those who had 'runaway husbands' and are now divorced

[mrsallergy]

Any tips on easing the transition when the divorce comes through?

Even though my stbxh has behaved/behaves disgracefully and I could never accept him back, it will still be one of the saddest days of my life when the divorce is finalised and he becomes my ex-h. I suppose because it is the end of hopes and dreams and a future I thought I was going to have for me and my children.

I think all you can do between now and then is make as good a life for yourself and your DCs as you can. Has the divorce process been started? Has your solicitor given you any ideas of timescales? If you start now and get yourself into a new routine with plenty of nice things to look forward to you may find the day itself, although sad, is not as bad as you think.

Speaking personally, when the divorce was finalised, I put the letter in the drawer and carried on pretty much the same. There were other milestones that made me sadder. Finding out they'd had a baby, for example.

It is the end of one set of hopes and dreams, and the beginning of another, make a new wish list of what you and your children want to do, plan a future together without someone in your life who would deliberately choose to hurt you and behave disgracefully. You now have the chance to have a future where the choices are all yours, and not those of a lying, cheating, husband and father whose selfish actions damaged your family.
Of course you will be hurt and feel a sense of sadness and regret at the end of your marriage, that is only to be expected, can you plan a trip away for you and the children to give you a distraction when the divorce becomes final? Take care of yourself, it was not your choice, he chose to let his family down.

Hi, my heart goes out to you, it's a very hard thing to have to accept. My husband and I separated 15 months ago. He asked for a divorce a week before he moved in with his OW. I refused to play his game and told him he could take me to court if he thought divorce was the only choice he had. That was last June and still no word of divorce but this October I will have no other choice but to allow the divorce. I was dreading it but now that I have started to rebuild my life to some degree, it seems easier. Ive looked at how I've felt emotionally about the way the children and I have been treated over the past 15 months and Tbh, the feeling on divorce day can't be as bad as the way I've felt. Try to see it as closure on an unhappy part of your life, I don't mean the marriage, I mean the time since separation. The thing that hurt me was the thought of him celebrating the divorce and his freedom. Really they're free the moment they walk out of the door, only married on paper, not responsible for any less or more than the day they decided not to be married. I hope you manage to build yourself up and work on yourself before the day. All the best to you xxx

I had a runaway on my hands, and it is incredibly difficult and painful. Dealing with the shock and the deletion of life and everything that was normal overnight is difficult.

We weren't married, but there was a lot of to and fro where I was hoping he would come home and he really had me so shocked I didn't know what to do or say.

I'm not sure of your timescale, but for me it began to get a lot better when I achieved a few milestones.

1. To accept this was "real" and he was not coming back or returning to being the person I knew and loved.

1. When i took off my "love lenses" and instead of thinking "where is the man I love, why is he doing this?" and instead started to see what was right in front of me - which was someone who was being incredibly abusive to me. Irrespective of who he was that was not who he was anymore.

1. To begin to understand that even if he did "come back", I would never get back the life I had - because he had done things which changed everything permanently.

1. When I let go of the belief that any part of it was my fault. It is very important to realise that Runaway Husbands are defunct in some way and that you had no control over their bizarre and cruel behavior. until you realise this, you can't begin to feel hopeful for a new future because your self esteem is in the toilet.

1. I started to realise I just did not want to be with someone who was capable of doing those things, and slowly but surely it started to feel like his loss, instead of mine.

1. I grieved really, REALLY hard...sometimes spending weeks not getting out of bed for over a year and could honestly barely function and I am 100% glad I did that because I got the grief out! If you keep it in, it twists and festers.

1. I slowly started to look after myself. That might have meant little things like lunch with friends, or big things like spending money on new clothes. I started to have date nights with myself with bubble bath and a good book and that love you give yourself makes you feel better.

1. I cut of ALL contact of any sort with him, blocked him and everyone who was a mutual friend so I do not have to see, hear or think about him. In my head - he is DEAD.

1. I accepted that I was a good, loving partner who was loyal, devoted, loving supportive, kind and made heaps of effort and that someone else will be happy to have me and I slowly started dating here and there. Okay...it's hard at first, but being with other people even for a quiet drink awaken a sense in yourself that you're still desirable and this counterbalances the impression the runaway twat gave when he made you feel so worthless.

10. I had a long think about all the stuff I was proud of (or was once proud of) about me and focussed on that. I set myself goals - from silly things like a day trip to Paris to big thinks like achieving a job promotion and out of the 30 goals I set myself I have not achieved 25% of those and it DOES help you feel more confident.

11. I found a way to accept that sometimes what "is", is horrible, tragic, totally unfair and absolutely horrible but it doesn't change reality. Accepting things you don't want to accept is key to moving on.

12. I read up on all sorts of new things from psychology to travel and took on new experiences fearlessly and with lots of enthusiasm. Life IS short, and while that knob jockey took many years of my life - he's not taking anything else.

13. I realised that no one can take your history away from you. This belongs to you. In my head and mind, I was with someone I loved completely and honestly and whether or not he was pretending to feel the same is not really my problem. All that matter is that for me it was real, I did all I could, and he was a mentalist.

14. I let myself BELIEVE I would heal and be truly happy again. Once you have that, you are on the way to being okay.

I know I was not married, but we shared a house, I was financially dependent on him, we had a wedding planned for the year after....we had been together for years and he was my best friend / soulmate / touchstone and he literally abandoned me out of absolutely nowhere. I can't describe how shocked I was. I was in a complete daze and nothing felt real.

He turned on me from being incredibly kind and loving to me at all times to being SOOOOO hateful and evil that it still gives me bonechills when I think about it.

I wanted to be dead for a very long time and that's not an exaggeration and if I can begin to move on and be glad he is gone, then you can too.

I should imagine that the divorce is one of the final milestones, and as you pass through them you will feel a small bit of relief.

If he is anything like my ex, he will be acting like he has no remorse, no regrets and you never existed. He will act like you're the crazy one. I'm sorry for that pain....no one should ever have to go through pain like it - but he can't hurt you anymore. As time goes on keep reminding yourself that you would not want to be married to someone capable of this. Remind yourself something wonderful is on the horizon for you. A quality man, with a quality heart.

I was DEVASTATED for so long, and now am beginning to feel nothing but pity for him. How sad to be such a person.

xxx

Brilliant post jess

So true, every word.

Amazing post jess.

Jess - thank you for that post

Thank you Jess

Thanks all... Almost 2 years passed and finally beginning to feel genuinely whole again. Would not wish it on my absolute worst enemy.

But if they choose to behave like this, I do think consequences will catch up with them. I'd certainly not want to be in their shoes or living their life.

Amazing post Jess, all the best x

Brilliant post Jess xx

I had a runaway P. We weren't married but had been together for many years, then he was gone without explanation. Just gone.

That was three years ago and I still think about him often, less so when I'm busy and with friends. I've now got a fabulous social life for the first time ever. I now realise that my social life when I was with him used to consist of sitting in a pub with him talking about every minute detail of his working day and every bloody conversation he'd had that day because he was oh so funny and I really had to hear about it. Looking back I can see that he was a boring twat. and it dosn't

I hear he's with someone else now and I'm certain he'll be behaving towards her as he used to behave towards me initially - so loving and supportive and then the control will start - discouraging from applying for better jobs; rubbishing friends; doing all that love of my life/soulmate crap that he's so good at. I'm pretty sure she'll be taken in as I was - I pity her.

It's years down the line for me. I feel physically sick at the thought of him, feel sad for him and think what a fool he is. I remember the good side to him and I am overall glad he isn't around as he gave me space to find me.

Omg that is an amazing post Jessmay. Wow. All those steps will help me so much.

My ExP has also just totally disappeared. Its like he never existed at all and i sometimes almost feel like the relationship and the engagement must never have happened and i made the whole thing up!

Still, its better that way and you're right, i have started waking up feeling more positive (this after many months of tears and despair) so i know im on my way to healing.

I've also totally cut all our mutual friends. I waited many months to do it and was not easy to do but i feel so so so much better for it.

Hugs for you OP and everyone else x

elsabelle...I felt exactly the same. It was like being in a parallel universe. One minute I was the most amazing thing ever and his raison d'etre and the next minute he was literally gone, moved out without even telling me there was a problem and then acted like I was nuts when I got upset. It felt like conversations with aliens because I was trying so hard to get him to answer me or explain but he really did not want to.

It is so, so, so, so, so, so hard to make the adjustment from what was to what is but don't feel like it's an instant or easy process because it isn't.

I worried for a long time I would never regain my confidence or self esteem and I felt like he had to come back for me to be okay again, but no one can hurry that process along...you just have to go through it step by step.

I can't count the calls to the samaritans, or the times I just went and sat on the tube station and fantasised about jumping in front of one, or the times I sat with a knife in my hand wanting to cut myself to release some of the pain.

It really was that bad...he literally took my entire life with a click of his fingers and as I was in a heap on the floor utterly destroyed he kicked me and laughed at his handiwork. It was like he had an overnight personality transplant.

It's so difficult, it really is, but over time you just start to separate your heart from the situation and your head takes over. You start to look at that person and realise what a total prick they are and over time that reality really does set in - after which being okay again becomes easier than when you still have them on a pedestal in your mind.

Simple fact is...truly good people worth having don't fuck off and abuse their loved ones. That is just the truth, simple as it is, it takes a while to see it.

My ex is now miserable if it cheers anyone up. He lost a heap of friends over this, he lost the respect of everyone who mattered, he got demoted at work, he can;t get a girlfriend and hasn't had a shag unless he paid for it in the two years since he left and he never goes on.

I, on the other hand, am living a wonderful life and really reconnected with myself. I am SO GLAD I did not spend a lifetime with someone who was deep down so shallow, so capable of being so cruel. Makes me feel sick to think of all the years I thought the sun shone out of his backside.

The funniest bit being...I picked him because he seemed dependable and honest! He was no oil painting.

Some people just ARE manipulate, fake, shallow, selfish and all those crappy things. Best put them al on an island so they can marry each other and leave the rest of us alone

Ah Jessamy my experience is very similar! One minute everything was great, he had proposed, we were blissfully happy, the next my mum died suddenly, he cheated 2 days later and then was gone. Not before doing a horrible discard thing where he left me sobbing and vomiting on the floor in the middle of the night. Now he's all loved up with someone else and its like i never existed at all.

I think mine has some kind of narcissistic tendancies. But maybe not yours as they usually move on to a new person straight away.

How long has it been since your split? You sound like youre doing so well :-) Its been nearly 5 months for me and i am just starting to feel a bit better. I miss what i thought we had but i actually never want to see him ever again and i know i am worth so much more.

Sorry OP, feel i have slightly hijacked your thread. Hope its helping though!

I think anyone who does this has narcissistic tendencies...amongst other things, but the bottomline is they are not really the dream husband we thought they were.

Two year almost since this happened. The first year I was a basket case, but then very, very slowly I started to feel better - mostly from those steps in my first post. Nowadays I'd say I quite often go a whole day without even thinking about him.

There's a partition in my mind now, where the happy memories and all the years together are tucked away and completely separated from the evil bastard he became. In my mind they are two diferrent people and the other one is dead. I've no desire to see, hear from or otherwise engage with the new version and if he calls me (which he sometimes does) I turn my phone off.

Did he regret it?

Yes, he did. He ha called at various intervals (always drunk) saying he made a mistake but you know what - he is lonely, he is horny and it took me a long time to realise he didn't really love me. Not in the way I love people anyway.

Let me explain...

He loved me in the sense that I made him feel great. He loved sex with me. I made him laugh. I made him proud because I was attractive. He liked playing the role of my dream man....a bit like it was a movie for him.

I loved him in a much deeper sense, as in I cared about his journey, I loved his soul and who he was and that would have withstood both good and bad times. His brand of love just would not have.

People who love in that more shallow way hit bumps in the road...be that boredom with their life, a sexy new colleague hitting on them, financial problems, illness, bereavement or job losses...and those circumstances will alter the love they feel, because the love they feel is conditional on them feeling happy with their life in general.

It's almost like you fulfill their fantasy, and then you don't, and it;s almost like they don;t see you as a real human being. I am quite sure when I was (like you) a wreck on the floor begging him, literally begging him to stop doing and saying what he was saying and he felt nothing because I had ceased to be important to him from the moment he decided he no longer wanted me.

Coincidentally, mine had financial reason for doing what he did. It was as simple as that, and as cold as that.

Also sorry for the thread hijack OP - I hope you find it all useful anyway.

You are right I got ill and he kept going on about no longer being happy that was why he left. He wasn't happy for years after he left either. He took all his anger out on me. I am ok with that side of my life and need to get past medical mistakes and I can get my joy back.

Jess - I could have written what you wrote. It is hideous indeed - but there always is a chink of light at the end of the tunnel.

My ex was utterly cold and brutal, literally over night. I stopped trying to fathom why long ago. Not my concern any more.

*People who love in that more shallow way hit bumps in the road...be that boredom with their life, a sexy new colleague hitting on them, financial problems, illness, bereavement or job losses...and those circumstances will alter the love they feel, because the love they feel is conditional on them feeling happy with their life in general.

It's almost like you fulfill their fantasy, and then you don't, and it;s almost like they don;t see you as a real human being. I am quite sure when I was (like you) a wreck on the floor begging him, literally begging him to stop doing and saying what he was saying and he felt nothing because I had ceased to be important to him from the moment he decided he no longer wanted me*

Yes, this.

Its like he just switched off and that was it. I truly think he doesn't care at all and has moved on extremely easily. I kept on saying "but what about our engagement? What about our lovely house we were so excited to buy? What about our baby plans? We are so happy". But to no avail. He was over it and that was that.

Please don't anyone feel that you're hijacking - I am finding all the replies very insightful helpful but I haven't had time to reply properly today.

I think many are bad at ending relationships and contact is cut. I had been dumped and I dumped, those experiences were very different to the way the runaway husband behaved.

At least he didn't keep coming back for sex with me as he told me he had done with the girl before me. He said he woke one day said he was fed up of her shit and just left, he did the same to me.

Hope it helps mrsallergy....I'm sure the divorce must be so hard and God...so much more complicated with children

Joan, that's also true...some people end relationships badly, but what always struck me more was why?

I never understood how you could love someone so long and literally not care about them overnight. Some people do have that on / off switch. It's scary.

Mine DID keep coming back for sex...for the first year. Until I said stop.

Prior relationship it was awkward he didn't know what to say, you could tell he had a heart. He didn't do it great, I knew he just was not great at breaking up, I was upset a few weeks and all was ok.

I had to let guys down gently ex and guys who wanted a relationship, it's hard.

Exh was cold like he had no soul, he was a rock.

I think it took a week for him to detach property, I could feel it and I dreaded being near him that week. I still got a shock.