First real relationship

[MisterNice]

I'm a 32 year old man and I've only ever had one previous relationship that lasted about a year when I was 18. I met this lovely lady on a dating site and she is the same age as me. I've only known her for 2 months but we talk all the time. We're very similar and I'm amazed at how much we share in common. There are some difficulties and I'm not sure if this is normal behaviour in any relationship.

Since she has had lots of relationships she keeps telling me what to do and how to behave which makes me feel very insecure and emasculated. Whenever I try to tell her how I feel she implies that I'm being selfish and that I should be more supportive of her. She wanted me to remove all the younger girls that she deemed to be "inappropriate" for me to be friends with on Facebook. I didn't even mind but the way I had been lead through the process felt incredibly degrading.

She insists on being open about everything that has happened in our lives and wants me to tell her everything about my past. I'm a very honest person but I have a deeply flawed history. I have paid for sex a number of times in the past but I feel absolutely terrible about it. I would never do it again but I can't change the past. I was interrogated with very awkward and humiliating questions where she asked me about their names and what I had done with them. She also demanded that I throw out all my underwear and buy new ones. I hold myself completely responsible for my actions but I was so distressed and I feel like I'm on the verge of having a nervous break down.

She claims not to want to be a financial burden but always asks me to buy her gifts. She has had lots of previous relationships where her boyfriends have always bought her presents all the time. Is this normal for women? I already helped her with essential purchases because she was struggling to pay the bills. Now she keeps asking me to buy her flowers and gifts.

I'm very upset and struggling to cope right now. I'm not sure if it's just me or if this is normal in relationships. I'd really appreciate any help or advice. Thank you kindly.

It's not normal! You should break up right now.

Definitely not normal. Get away whilst you still can!

Red flags. End it now, it will only get worse.

She doesn't sound very nice really.
I would never condone someone dictating who their partner can friend (on facebook on in real life).
I might purchase new underwear for a partner but I only now throw out underwear (as and when) for my husband as I am responsible for the laundry.
I would never accept someone demanding gifts.
With a new partner I wouldn't be bailing them out for essentials either, as new partners you're independent financially, it's not any business of either really. OK to mention money is a bit tight because of blah and thus suggest cheap dates but totally strange to expect any support.
If you're upset. It is not right. Partners should improve life for us, particularly at the all new and exciting stage. You should not feel miserable because of a partner, life might bring you/ your relationship stress but not the partner.

She sounds like a bad 'un. Run far and fast, and don't look back!!

Seriously, this isn't looking good.

Was the inderwear thing linked to you having paid for sex.

I think that's abhorrent, btw, and would be a deal breaker for me, but if she has chosen to continue seeing you, she needs to let it go.

Not normal behaviour at all. It's unhealthily controlling, humiliating and exploitative behaviour and it's already causing you enormous distress. Please drop her immediately for your own sake. She's not a lovely lady.

Not normal in the slightest, her behaviour towards you is all abusive. There are enough red flags here to create a backdrop for a Communist Party committee meeting!.

It is NOT your fault she is like this. You did not cause her to be that way.

She needs to be dumped as of right now, you and she should NOT be together.

She is horribly controlling and abusing you.

This is NOT normal. This relationship is NOT healthy for you.

The links at the top of this thread might be interesting for you to read.

Was the inderwear thing linked to you having paid for sex.

That's correct and it makes me feel like I am to blame for everything, although I would never do that any more! I only told her about this recently so it hasn't influenced her behaviour on the other issues.

The irony is that I have known other men that have paid for sex and maintain happy relationships while their parters are blissfully unaware of their history. This only convinces me that honesty and full disclosure isn't always the best policy in a relationship. It seems I was too naive to accept that, sigh!

Thank you all for your words of wisdom. I feel deeply heartbroken because in many other ways we are so compatible.

Listen OP a good relationship enhances your life it doesn't make you feel worse. If you feel like you're on the verge of a breakdown then get rid. Honestly you're worth so much more than this.

The woman has issues and she's a complete user. You are not happy in this relationship, please put yourself first.

You are only compatible, for the moment, in that she is controlling, and you are being controlled.

But please don't say shit about "but other men pay for sex too!" because it's making me lose a lot of sympathy for you. Women are human beings, not commodities to be bought and sold. But, as FolkGirl said upthread, if your girlfriend disagrees with your action, she has the choice to leave you, or to let it go. Making you pay for it for evermore - however wrong it was - is a way of keeping you under her control.

It's not ok, and you need to leave her. Will you?

She sounds very controlling and unpleasant, this is not a normal relationship.

There is nothing wrong with being honest and open. She is the wrong person. Paying for sex is a huge big mistake and I'd be very shocked if my partner told me he had done so. But if he truly regretted it and was ashamed we'd work through it. She maybe shocked and unsettled but she hasn't got the right to punish you.

As for demanding gifts, telling who to be friends with, well that's just abusive. You do not have to put up with any of that to be in a relationship. A relationship should enhance your life x

All of the above and another thing: when you are in a new relationship there is no need to reveal your full sexual history to your new partner. If you want to, well fine but it is completely unnecessary IMO.

She sounds horrid so please do yourself a favour, dump her pdq and buy yourself a present. If she becomes a pest or any risk, block her number and go no contact immediately. Honestly, she's bad news.

But please don't say shit about "but other men pay for sex too!" because it's making me lose a lot of sympathy for you. Women are human beings, not commodities to be bought and sold.

I completely agree with you, it's wrong and I deeply regret it. I'm not making excuses to justify what happened. I was merely stating an ironic fact that I have personally known other men that have done this while I am punished for my honesty. I don't condone it and I despise exploiting or cheating on women. I'm a very respectful person but I can't go back in time and change the past.

I can't help but feel that if she is prepared to move passed this issue then maybe she is not such a bad person and I should give the relationship more chance? I take full responsibility and I want to be as supportive as possible but I'm unsure if her commitment to move past this issue outweighs other aspects of the relationship?

She's like this after two months? Hell no!

She's abusive. She will only get worse. After 2 months you shouldn't be financially involved whatsoever. And I don't think there's ever a good time to be demanding presents from someone.

Run. As fast as you can.

I wouldn't date someone who'd paid for sex. If it's a deal breaker for her she needs to stop seeing you. Simple. She can't change the past and punishing you is gonna change FA.

She sounds like a controlling potentially abusive girlfriend... She sounds like a bully too.

As for the paying for sex, well I know a woman whose husband paid for sex before they met & she forgave him without punishing him or asking for every detail. As others say; if your girlfriend is that upset about it then she shouldn't date you rather than humiliating you like that.

I think there is a case too for not being totally honest straight away in a relationship (& 2 months is still quite early). You don't have to share everything about your past at all - I certainly don't. But then personally I'm quite a private person.

There are lots of women out there who are looking for an attractive 32 yr old man to have a relationship with - and as a man at your age you are lucky because you can date women 10 yrs younger or 10 yrs older, whatever.
Get back online & find someone normal!
I've not had many relationships myself but I can tell you that this woman doesn't sound normal in her behaviour & I certainly wouldn't tolerate it.

I can't help but feel that if she is prepared to move passed this issue then maybe she is not such a bad person and I should give the relationship more chance?

But that's not the only thing wrong with how she perceives you and treats you now, is it?

Two months in and she's making you cut off friends (albeit on FB) for no good reason?

Run far! Run fast! What the hell will she be like in a year?

You sound vulnerable and rather naïve. She knows that and is taking the piss.
Work on becoming more confident about your strengths and less hung up on your weaknesses, this lass is trouble BIG TIME.

Please don't stick around and give this person more chances to abuse you. You're naturally focusing on the revelation about using prostitutes as being where this is going wrong but I think that's a mistake. You're being exploited and treated badly in many ways. She's demanding gifts, taking your money & she's excessively jealous and controlling. You feel anxious, insecure & on the verge of a nervous breakdown. That's not an equal partnership of like-minded people, it's one abusing the other.

Realise you're desperate for love but this isn't love.

Wow, she sounds absolutely batshit. Run like the wind and never look back. Her behaviour is abusive and you need to ditch her now.