Giving up TTC for now, it's a sad day for us.

[SuasSios]

This is more a "get-it-off-my-chest-before-I-burst" post than anything. I've been with my husband for 8 years. We've been married for 4. We've been TTC for 2.5 and we're not getting anywhere. My husband has occasional erectile difficulties. For want of a better phrase, it can be hit or miss. This is upsetting and frustrating for both of us, but we talk about it, and we take a break from the (what can seem like) scheduled/on-demand sex, and spend time together just being a couple. I would hand-on-heart say that I love this man, and I know he loves me, so this isn't a LTB issue. To add to the pressure, I have an auto immune illness, and had to come off meds to TTC. I am now at the stage where we've decided I will go back on them (I've been unwell the last 6 months, on and off). I can come off them again in a year or two, and if I did happen to fall pregnant on them (which isn't technically advised), it wouldn't necessarily be the worst thing that could happen.

I just feel so sad today, that we don't have our family yet, and that while neither of us are to blame, time is going against us. I have to ring my doctor later, so wanted to write all this down, and get it out, before bawling at him

So sorry to read about your difficulties TTC. Have you been for tests, to see if there are any problems apart from your DH's erectile issues?

This must be a very sad time for you

OP - if you have been trying for that long, have you spoken to the doctor about IVF or fertility treatment?

I'm so sorry that this is going so hard for the two of you. It's one of those things that everyone just expects to happen so fast and easily, considering how we grow up convinced that one time with no contraception would get us pregnant quicker than you could say "just this one time".

It's pretty shit to realise that often isn't the case.

I haven't had the heart to go for tests yet, which is something I need to face up to. I've got a lot going on medically anyway, so I just couldn't bring myself to go for more tests, for yet another problem. Which is pretty dumb I know. I think the best thing for us now is for me to go back on my meds, and get stronger, before moving on to testing (if we decide to do that). As a couple, we're very happy, and if we found out that we couldn't have kids, we'd cope together. I suppose to actually get to that stage, we need to face up to things.

I am rambling, my apologies if this is incoherent, but it's actually quite helpful.

Sorry kaykayred, X post

I'm so sorry OP.

If and when you decide to try again, please go to your doctor immediately. My partner had to stop taking meds in order for us to TTC and we received fabulous help and support from our GP, who took it very seriously.

Thinking of you.

Oh, should have said, my illness doesn't have a bearing on my fertility, but of course I could have totally separate infertility issues. I tend to forget/ignore that just because I have one illness, I am not exempt from others.

Thank you SteptoeAndDaughter that is good to know.

Have you read "is my body baby friendly?" It deals specifically with the issues facing those with autoimmune disease. It's a hard road OP, in theory my condition shouldn't have affected my fertility but it did. I tried to PM you but can't.

It's worth the hassle of tests as sometimes very simple and minimal intervention is all that's needed.

Hope you are feeling stronger and more up to it soon.

OP how old are you? x

Poor you OP you have my sympathies, I tried for 5 years for my DS and it was a bleak time.

You do know that you might not be the one with the fertility problem? It could be your DH. Basic fertility tests are just basic blood tests for you and a semen analysis for your DH. At least then you'd know where you stand and what (if anything) to do next.

Thank you all so much. I don't really talk about this IRL as we find that it is a personal journey- although we've spoken to our GP, by "IRL" I mean friends and family.

Jackiemagazine Thank you for that recommendation, I'll have a look for the book online. I've just turned 34. DH is 41

GillSans and GlitterKandinsky Thank you both. We're aware that it could be a problem with either (or neither) of us, and I did look into what was involved in the first stage of testing, we just haven't taken the leap yet.

To be honest, I think I ignored it for a while. Even though coming off meds should have started the ball rolling, I didn't want to be pressurising us too much. It would have put a strain on our relationship, which is the most important thing to us both. But now time has moved on, and here we are.

My DH has seen me go through periods of being quite unwell, and while he'd love a family, I think he'd accept not having children easier than I would, if it meant that my own health was in a better place.

listening to you, SuasSios

Well I managed to leave a voicemail for my Doctor without blubbing, which is a start. Working from home today too, which is also helpful!

Thanks Meerka

I've had IVF, the hardest part is making the decision. Then you set aside 3 weeks of your life, take a lot of drugs to stimulate your ovaries, get the eggs collected (under sedation, doddle and actually pleasant experience!) then add a splash of your husband's finest, pop them back (feels like having a smear) and sit back and wait.
That's it. If you choose a clinic which specialises in complex cases such as women with auto immune stuff going on, you stack the odds well into your favour.
PM me if you'd like to chat more. Please don't be put off by the thought of tests and being prodded about if it gets you what you want. You soon forget it ever happened!

Thank you Jackiemagazine

I have a bit of work to do now, but I'll come back to you when I'm on my lunch later.

Is it possible to just go ahead with IVF and bypass the other tests that are usually recommended, so rather than waiting to see if there is a problem, just skipping all that part? This is more of a thinking out loud, don't expect a definitive answer!

Yes it is, if you go privately. And you can self refer too. They'll run any preliminary tests you need. Look for the clinics with the very best stats and who also treat a high volume of women. All of the results are published in the HFEA website, and off the top of my head, Care at Nottingham, Lister, UCH and ARGC (all in London) have outstanding results. ARGC is good for auto immune as is Care, and Lister do very well with older women (which you're not but just in case someone slse is reading this.)
It's pricey. There's no getting away from that but it bypasses years of heartache and the younger you are, the better your chances.

I'd be thinking about starting to look for some sort of diagnosis sooner rather than later. Our battle is due to come to an end on the 2nd of May, but that's after 5 years of "medicalised" infertility. And please don't settle for a "diagnosis" of unexplained infertility.

We ended up going private and getting the answers and treatment we needed, but you may live in an area where the NHS is less dire at things like this. Don't give up or lose hope - you're the same age we were when we decided we needed a medical solution.

Is it possible to just go ahead with IVF and bypass the other tests that are usually recommended, so rather than waiting to see if there is a problem, just skipping all that part?

Please feel free to ignore me as I really don't want to interfere (and there's nothing worse than everyone chiming in with their fertility advice). I just want to point out that some fertility issues are very easily fixed. eg in my case I had a so-called luteal phase 'defect' (sorry but I get angry at some of the words used to describe fertility problems) which I self-diagnosed and treated very easily. This meant that I was pregnant with my now-toddler by the time we went to our joint appointment (the first 2 were for my partner). If you haven't already got a good idea of how fertility works then it is a really good idea to read some of the literature out there (eg Taking Charge of Your Fertility which is also a good feminist book!

Again please feel free to ignore, you have my support in whatever works for you

It's possible to be placed on the waiting list for ivf while other things are explored. At least, that's what happened for me. It so happened that, after a simple procedure, I found out I was pregnant on the day my first ivf appointment came through.

I am sorry you feel so sios today suas.
I had unexplained secondary infertility. We were ttc for 4 years. We had tests and had tried clomid (got pg and mc'd) and then something else (can't remember the name of it now but involved scans and injections) and it was really taking it's toll on us. We decided to call a halt and focus on other aspects of our lives. I can still remember how devastating that felt.
People will say you need to just take your mind off it - as if that is possible!! it used to drive me nuts. However that is exactly what did happen. I had come around to the idea of enjoying the summer without the pressure of going back to the horrible fertility specialist for an astronomical sum and the whole "am I pregnant?" pressure when I found out that I was pregnant - it was a straightforward pregnancy and I am so grateful that it happened. Even though we had so many expensive tests which told us very little and ultimately who can say whether the pregnancy was the effect of the previous fertility treatments or would have happened anyway but I did feel better that I was doing something about my situation. As far as I remember I had to wait a few months for an appointment (in Ireland so private) and then weeks for various tests so why don't you set yourself a time frame like say: next September I will contact a fertility clinic and take it from there and in the meantime I will enjoy life and marriage as it is. I have two friends who had dire diagnoses about their fertility - both had (eventual) pregnancies with treatment and subsequent surprise pregnancies without. Bear in mind if going for investigations: soooo many people have been through the same, it is tedious but hopefully worth it.
BTW I was older than you starting ttc.

Ooo yes TCOYF is a great book!
And Boule is right - you'll get some fools giving out the "just relax! Go on holiday!" That made me want to scream and punch them in the throat!

And I hadn't even met the father of my children at your age. Got 3 kids now...

Thank you so much, it’s great to have a chance to put my feelings down in writing.

@ CheeseBadger and @ GillSans Thank you for sharing your experiences x

@ SteptoeAndDaughter, you aren’t interfering at all, I appreciate the feedback ? I am familiar with TCOYF and I’ve a good idea about my cycles etc. Our “problem” tends to be that if DH isn’t on form at the time I OV, well it’s not ideal. Or there have been times when I haven’t been well then either. So, it’s disheartening when another month gets ruled out, and you’re against the ticking clock of having to get back on the meds.

I am in Ireland too BouleSheet (guess the name gave it away a bit anyway), so it’ll have to be private treatment. That’s another issue- while there is no price to be placed on having a family, €5k a time will soon mount up, and we’re not exactly flush. But that could be worked around.
I am not too worried about my age yet, it’s more the fact that I need to allow 3+ months off meds before we can start TTC again. If I go back on meds soon, I’ll need to be on them for 4 or 5 months for them to take proper affect. It would be pointless to go back on them for a few months now, and then off them again... So, realistically, I wouldn’t be able to think about TTC for another couple of years, to give my body a chance.
I might call a few IVF places this week and see if they’ve any experience in dealing with patients with my illness.

Thanks again everyone.
I sent off some online queries last night, which made me feel better, as I was actually doing something.
I am going to sit down with my husband at the weekend and have a tentative list of "where do we go from here" to hand.