Beginners BDSM?

[AShadeShortOfBDSM]

Have been thinking about trying something new - kind of 50 shades of grey style - in the bedroom. Where do I start? I want to give it a go, but am really worried I won't be able to carry it off, and I'll end up looking like a twat in stead of a goddess! Has anyone tried this and got any tips? What do I do if dh doesn't do what I say (I know we agree in advance that he will, but just in case), and what if he does do what I say - when do I get to spank him then? I'm not into porn - I have a vague idea of what I'd like to do, but I feel like I need an instruction book!

Have you spoken to him...

I'd probably advise you to look at some forums for BDSM enthusiasts. They could probably give you some start up advice.

using the term "Goddess" a la 50 shades makes anyone look like a twat

Haha, yes I've spoken to him, that's not the problem. He'd be up for it. But I can't have a 'well what shall I do for a script type thing' conversation with him because that will ruin the illusion of me being a confident, knowing what I'm doing, in-charge kind of person, won't it?!

Just to check...you want to be the dominant one?

Sorry...that was mean but 50 Shades terminology makes me cringe and apparently be uncharacteristically rude!

I think you might be over complicating it. If you both want to give it a try then just try it. You might want to think about whether you want to stick with a hand or use something else. You could use a safe word, it depends on whether you want to use the word NO or STOP as part of a role play where it doesn't actually mean that, but you do need to have good communication.

Suggest you both look at this:

www.cepemo.com/checklist.html

If you're concerned about clicking on links very sensible then Google BDSM checklist in order to get the conversation flowing when you're no in a sexual situation.

You need to both work out what you like to try now, both as giver and receiver, what you might like to try in future and what's a 'hell no that's disgusting!' Activity!

Surely just starting by being specific and going from there?
Agree a "punishment".
There are play agreements out there, they may give you an idea.

First off, don't use 50 Shades as a guide. Just...no.

The checklist is very good, and very thorough!

The key with all of it is communication. Start small. Think about what you'd like to do and check your partner is ok with it.

Oops, posted too soon. Anyway...

If you're not comfortable with sometning, don't do it (ie don't do something just because you feel it goes with bdsm - if you don't like restraining, for instance, don't).

And take time to cuddle afterwards. It can be an intense, weird process, so you need that time afterwards to snuggle down and reflect.

"What do I do if dh doesn't do what I say"

A taste of the whip will get him to do your bidding.

OMG the checklist... Pony play? Mentally ticked off and discovered I am a lot more vanilla than I thought.

Thank you all. MrsMinton Yes I want to be the dominant one (although we might have a go at the other way round another time).
Allstoppedup To be fair to you, you had a point! I'll stop with the 50 shades stuff!
Joysmum thanks for the link. That actually looks like a great idea to check we're both on the same page about what we're trying out.

Fetlife is a good place to start. Google it, and a link will follow. The forums on there are very informative, and people are always on hand to offer advice.

Thank you.
winewinewine I was thinking just to use my hand although I fancy a riding crop)! I was in Ann summers the other day and all their whips had sparkly stuff or feathers on. How on earth can you be taken seriously with a bloody sparkly whip?!

Start with your hand and take it from there. Tumblr has some good blogs by females and ideas that you both might enjoy. Also look out for an alternative and burlesque fair near you. They do them in birmingham, manchester and I think Leeds at least twice a year. They have some BDSM stalls with lovely floggers and paddles on sale at them and you can meet and talk with people and enjoy tea and cake.

www.thealternativeandburlesquefair.com

Ouch to riding crops. Thinner surface area mans great potential for hurt, that's why paddles are better, great noise, greater surface area.

Also try The Topping Book by Janet Hardy and Dossie Easton (and The Bottoming Book by those two as well).

www.xeromag.com/ is good too,

I prefer my riding crop to a whip, paddle or hand. It's a lovehoney one.
I actually find it less painful - just the right mix of pain and pleasure.

OP - I would suggest you and your partner do a google on "BDSM short stories" and read through as many stories as you can. This will give you an idea of which area appeals to you both. BDSM isn't just about, whips and paddles. Many people don't actually include any physical pain in their BDSM relationship.

Lots of useful chat on this similar thread

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2226157-Should-I-indulge-this-fantasy

I'm not sure that thread is particularly useful, very different situation to the OP, who should just go for it.

Once you get into it, as I recall, there were various practical suggestions and risk discussions depending how extreme your inclinations are.

Ann summers has a beginners guide to bondage. Also I have on good authority they are going to be doing some articles on 50 shades style stuff next week.

www.annsummers.com/page/inspire-me?mn=182

You have to have a conversation about hard and soft limits, safe words are vital (lots of people use the traffic lights - green means go on, yellow means take a step back, and red means stop. Red means stop immediately, stop right now and that's the end of the session), as a Dom you have a great responsibility to look after your sub. It's not just about hitting someone, it's about knowing how to hit them and checking in with them and also about providing really good, loving aftercare.

Respect, communication and consent.

Be aware of the risks involved - not just physical ones but emotional ones as well. Do some research.