Beginners BDSM?

[AShadeShortOfBDSM]

Have been thinking about trying something new - kind of 50 shades of grey style - in the bedroom. Where do I start? I want to give it a go, but am really worried I won't be able to carry it off, and I'll end up looking like a twat in stead of a goddess! Has anyone tried this and got any tips? What do I do if dh doesn't do what I say (I know we agree in advance that he will, but just in case), and what if he does do what I say - when do I get to spank him then? I'm not into porn - I have a vague idea of what I'd like to do, but I feel like I need an instruction book!

It sounds to me like you just want to dabble a bit (it's very unusual for someone who is a Dom to be able to switch, as you've indicated you might), so I'd leave out whips or floggers for the moment until you know whether you have both enjoyed the scene. They require rather more finesse to use successfully and you don't want to inadvertently hurt your DH in a way that's not pleasurable!

That list lost me at bestiality.

long time lurker here,but felt I had to comment- relationships has many abuse stories of women suffering physical and verbal abuse;this whole BDSM idea sems to be allowing abuse of women and by women in male terms...with all these safe words etc.....it deeply concermns me that people would consider this as a..hobby? It has,as far as I can see,little to do with loving relationships....

I second The New Topping/Bottoming books by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy, as well as Screw the Roses, Send me the Thorns by Philip Miller and Molly Devon.

Do not, not, NOT use 50 Shades as a guide. Utterly crapulous, non-consensual sadistic bullshit.

mumalive While there are those in BDSM who fit with your concerns, there are those who do not, and in fact see BDSM as a spiritual practice as much as a physical/sexual one. "Conscious BDSM" is a growing movement, and there are genuine, loving people and partnerships inside it as well as abusers. Much like everyday life, really.

Mumalive - it isn't about abuse. In the BDSM world nothing is done without consent. A list of limits is spoken about extensively before any type of play is started. It isn't about beating someone else. It's about control, some people like to be controlled in the bedroom.

It's hardly a hobby. It's a lifestyle choice, Abit like some people like members of the same sex, the kink community are some of the nicest open and accepting people I have ever met.

mumalive BDSM and abuse are worlds apart. It isn't even all male dom, female sub! There's a lot of male subs out there. It really is nothing like 50 shades. This is an area that the OP is looking to explore within an existing relationship and she wants to be Dom.

safe words are vital
No, not vital. It really depends how you are doing it. Good communication is vital. We don't do any kind of roleplay, so 'safe words' are completely unnecessary. If a spank hurts or I have had enough, I can just tell him what I want next, or even just say ouch. If I'm not tied up, I can just move. Getting spanked isn't my punishment - it's more like a reward!

It can be tried without a long list of hard and soft limits. We just had a conversation along the lines of:
Do you fancy trying....?
What shall we use?
How do you want to do it?
How will we know if either of us wants to stop?
Once we'd agreed that, we gave it a try, then made a few changes for the next time.
We had similar conversations when we wanted to try each new thing.

That checklist posted earlier is very interesting, but it might have been too scary as a starting point and if you are completely new to this, you don't even know what you are going to be willing to try when you first think about it. Sometimes you have to take a few steps, before you can even think about how you might feel about more

Thank you, everyone has been really helpful. I will definitely do some reading up. Short stories is a great idea to get some inspiration and check out what we would and wouldn't like to do.

mumalive I think if you don't fancy it as an idea, you won't 'get' it with any amount of explanation. But it really isn't about abuse at all, it's a positive, sexual thing. It's about exploring each other, and each other's boundaries and trusting someone completely. I want dh (temporarily!!) to totally submit to me and worship me, because I think he will love it and so will I. We are very much equals, and this is not anything to do with making someone do something they don't want - 100% the opposite, I really, really want him to have a great time. And I'd definitely be willing to switch roles too another time so we both get to experience it from both sides and see what we like.

Sweetheart, for the love of god, do not use ZIP TIES.
By the way, how has your progress been?