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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I stop thinking about him

27 replies

Wannamoveon · 18/01/2015 11:01

I know I will be flamed and have NCed for this. I have had an affair, short term physical (a couple of months, sex 4 times) but several months emotional and although it is over, I am still struggling to get over him. We have intermittent contact for work purposes and so at the moment I am not at the point where I can have absolutely nothing to do with him. He does not help with the messages he sends and things he says. I know I don't deserve help or time. I have deleted his number, messages etc and try to manage contact so that it is purely work based and only takes place at work. I am sure that he has no idea how difficult I am finding it to put him behind me. I know this is what I deserve but can anyone offer any advice about how to forget him.

OP posts:
HoraceCope · 18/01/2015 11:02

imagine him on the loo, or in a ridiculous walk.

HoraceCope · 18/01/2015 11:03

Realise he is a bastard and if he can do that to you he can do that to others

Original poster
Wannamoveon · 18/01/2015 11:12

He is a bastard and a player but although I know all that I can get rid of the feelings I have for him.

OP posts:
HoraceCope · 18/01/2015 11:17

you will, how long has it been over for?

realise that other women like him too and vice versa?

Original poster
Wannamoveon · 18/01/2015 12:19

It's been over for about 3 months but we have contact for work purposes and he has sent very explicit texts several times since then. I think he does it when he is bored and wants to do some fantasising if I am brutally honest! So I know what he's like but he keeps popping up and 'stopping' me from moving on and cutting him out of my life. I wish I could hate him. It just hurts.

OP posts:
Jackiemagazine · 18/01/2015 12:57

Try Paul McKenna's "I can heal your broken heart." Lots of practical exercises for gaining control over your own mind. No flaming from me. Life takes us to places we don't expect.Flowers

Original poster
Wannamoveon · 18/01/2015 13:11

Thanks Jackie for your practical advice. I haven't heard of that one but will take a look at it.

OP posts:
BuzzardBird · 18/01/2015 13:16

Why have you not 'blocked' his number?

Original poster
Wannamoveon · 18/01/2015 13:25

I can't block his number on my work phone because of work. I have heard that he may be moving departments and I would then be able to block the number as there would be no need for legitimate contact.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wannamoveon · 18/01/2015 13:26

I have blocked him on other messaging, such as Whatsapp.

OP posts:
BuzzardBird · 18/01/2015 13:48

You need to tell him to leave you alone or you will be forced to go to HR. He is being a selfish prick not letting you move on. At least you can see what a shit he is now? His poor wife...and poor you, least you are not married to him though, lucky escape.

Original poster
Wannamoveon · 18/01/2015 13:56

Yes definitely feel sorry for his wife. They haven't even been married long. I have told him after his texts last weekend that I only want to hear from him if it regards work and that has been better this week. I just want to get my feelings and emotions for him under control. He doesn't deserve me or my feelings but it isn't that easy!!

OP posts:
BuzzardBird · 18/01/2015 14:00

It's hard and horrible. Thing is, it is quite early days isn't it? Maybe you are trying too hard to blot out the pain too soon?

Distraction is the only thing you can do. Try your hardest to think of something that really revolts you about him (like the way he treats women?), it will help. As soon as you feel revolsion when you think of the affair, the easier it will be to not even read the texts.

ITHOUGHTISAW2ANGELSAHEADOFME · 18/01/2015 14:02

I agree with hr comment. If he is a boss or above you this would be classed as sexual harrassment regardless of the affair.

Original poster
Wannamoveon · 18/01/2015 15:10

No. He isn't my boss or senior to me and actually doesn't work for the same company but one that we work closely with. I don't feel intimidated by him and it is more about how I manage my feelings.

OP posts:
Chocolategirl7 · 18/01/2015 20:10

Can I recommend a book called the happiness trap? It's about recognising that your thoughts and feelings don't need to be linked. I found it really helpful and can't recommend it highly enough. I bought the pocketbook edition cos I didn't think I could concentrate enough on an actual self help book. But it was fab.

Original poster
Wannamoveon · 18/01/2015 21:52

Thanks I will also have a look at the book. I am willing to try anything that helps!!

OP posts:
SelfLoathing · 18/01/2015 22:45

I had a similar issue and someone on my thread said something like

imagine him with greasy hair and sits, not having showered on the loo, skid marked pants round his ankles dumping away and idly fiddling with his limp willy.

made me laugh and did help.

SelfLoathing · 18/01/2015 22:46

*sitting on the loo

MaMaof04 · 19/01/2015 14:11

I think that a good way to overcome recurrent unwanted thoughts or even feelings we are not happy with is to give them to freely come. 'Tell them; you come and go'. Do not try to fight against them very strongly they will come back with a revenge. However delete any message he sent you without reading it- if you can. In other words: take the power away from him to you. Keep your energy to focus on things you like: watching leaves move, reading, breathing, smelling and looking at your environment. Let the world outside with all its diversion drown your recurrent feelings and thoughts for him- until they occupy a tiny weeny space in your own world. Be gentle on yourself. It will take time. Congratulate yourself every-time you SIMULATENOUSLY accept the feelings thoughts about the affairs without fighting against them and that you are aware of something pleasant in the environment (your breath- a hug to yourself to some friend- a smile of someone- a flower etc etc), and make sure that you tell yourself that all the good things around you will loose their beauty if you give too much weight to the thoughts and feelings about the affair. Good luck- it is not easy to fight against obsessions especially if they had some carnal incarnation (as religious in monasteries would say...)

Jackiemagazine · 19/01/2015 14:31

MaMaof4 what a fantastic post!

MaMaof04 · 19/01/2015 14:50

Thank you Jackie! Your response is a wonderful gift!

MaMaof04 · 19/01/2015 14:51

Thank you Jackie! Your response is a wonderful gift!

SelfLoathing · 19/01/2015 21:52

However delete any message he sent you without reading it- if you can.

I really disagree with this advice. She may need evidence later down the line.

It's not unknown that after an affair is exposed, people behave appallingly - husband accusing OW of stalking HIM and applying to court for an injunction.

Generally in an affair situation, if you are "the other party" it is bad advice to delete anything because you may need to prove your case - that YOU are not an unreasonable harasser. You just never know. Stuff it all in a deep buried folder so you can't see it but don't delete it.

Other than that - I think the advice about letting it come and not fighting it is very wise.

HootyMcTooty · 20/01/2015 09:38

Can't you just tell him that any contact that is not strictly work related is sexual harassment and you'll go straight to his boss and his wife if he sends anything else?

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