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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feeling trapped

48 replies

Isitemotional · 18/01/2015 10:35

I am married to a strange man. He has no friends,has family that I found out about,he had said his parents were dead.
He is very controlling. I feel completely beaten down by it. I can't see it ever ending until he dies.

OP posts:
Original poster
Isitemotional · 18/01/2015 10:37

We have a ds. Most of the time I just play at being fine.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/01/2015 10:40

I'm sorry you're so unhappy and being treated badly. I'm also sorry that you think your only way out is if he dies. Are you in the UK?

Original poster
Isitemotional · 18/01/2015 10:43

Yes. I am. I feel utterly stupid. He won't leave,I tried that before we moved. The police came to our old flat around 3 or 4 times. He completely sweet talked them & made me look mad. A lot of the time it's fine,sometimes he's just too much.

OP posts:
Original poster
Isitemotional · 18/01/2015 10:44

If I died,do you think ds would stay with him? He's three.

OP posts:
Original poster
Isitemotional · 18/01/2015 10:47

I am such a confident strong person in so many areas. He is very quietly domineering but also a coward. He avoids my family as they have the measure of him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Isitemotional · 18/01/2015 10:50

I just don't feel strong enough to fight it. He is currently furious because my mum wanted to take me for lunch on my birthday weekend. She text him to arrange it,he immediately made plans so that I couldn't go.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/01/2015 10:50

I would think that he is only fine when everything is going as he wants it. You have no say at all really.

How long have you been married?. It sounds like you still hardly know anything about him; the image he presented to you is totally different from the real him and the real him is an abuser. There's good reason he has no friends.

Abusers like your H can be very plausible to those in the outside world but this is really no life for your DS or you at all. Many abusive men as well refuse to leave or threaten to take the child away from their mother; that is also one small part of their overall script and do that as well to keep their chosen victims trapped.

Womens Aid can and will help you on 0808 2000 247.

Fantaface · 18/01/2015 10:51

It makes me sad that u talk of yourself dying in order to escape this man. You can leave, if you are confident and strong in other areas, once you make the first move it will all become clear.

Seek some help from women's aid and do you have any support from family and friends?

sakura · 18/01/2015 10:51

Sounds like your family is supportive of you and any decision you might make to leave.

If you are thinking about dying, and wondering about life after death, then you really need to try and leave.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/01/2015 10:54

Your son is learning about relationships from the two of you. This is NOT the legacy to leave your son.

You have to find some strength from within you; the fact that you have posted here at all means that you still have some and you know that this abuse of you (and by turn your son) is wrong.

Enlist the help of your own family and friends too and free yourself from this millstone who will not be "happy" until you and your son are completely emotionally destroyed. Such men like your H hate women, all of them.

He is not your jailor or keeper though he certainly acts like both.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/01/2015 10:59

If things are so bad that you are contemplating your own death as a way out then please reach out for help. Women's Aid, your GP, Social Services, Samaritans, a solicitor. You need intervention. Please pick up the phone.

Original poster
Isitemotional · 18/01/2015 11:03

We've been together for 9 years,married four. He told me he was a fireman when we met,knocked 10 years off his age blah blah. He really is a fairly accomplished liar. He did a whole scenario that he'd lost everyone close to him & so didn't want friends etc. At our wedding (abroad,v v small) he did a speech about how loved he felt being part of a family. I fell pg & then he wanted me to abort. I refused,it took everything for me to really stand up to him. I found out at 39 weeks he has two children who he doesn't see/support. I left him but he talked me & my family round.
He's a pretty good dad to our ds.
He doesn't like me going out,inviting anyone here so basically just being in a bubble.

OP posts:
TheFriar · 18/01/2015 11:05

Isit please contact WA. Your 'D'H is abusive and you need support to get out there. Look at how low it's making you feel.
You need support for the sake of your ds. Because your ds NEEDS to YOU, his mum to guide him and love him as he is growin up.

And why is it that your mum texted him to arrange a birthday meal? Is he so controlling that even your mum doesn't dare asking you for much wio his approval first?

TheFriar · 18/01/2015 11:09

xpost.

'pretty' good to your ds???? Howe can he be pretty good when he is treating you, his mum, like this, is lying to everyone, wants to control everything.
A good dad treats all his children well, he also treats their mum well. He is falling on both counts.

Original poster
Isitemotional · 18/01/2015 11:10

My mum said she wanted to take me out & I just felt dread that it would start a row. I suggested she text him to pretend it was a suprise. He replied that it would be ok but he knew I wanted to go somewhere else this week. He then said yesterday oh we will go to x next Saturday. He said I'm unreasonable for always wanting to see my family when we have so little time together.

OP posts:
tinklykeys · 18/01/2015 11:10

You poor thing you sound utterly desperate. If your family have the measure of him, as you say, could they just come and get you and ds? Then sort the rest out once you are out?

If you don't have the strength to do it for you, do it for your son. And keep posting, you will get lots of support here.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/01/2015 11:11

Why were the police involved so often? Was there ever a prosecution?

bobs123 · 18/01/2015 11:11

For goodness sake read what you are writing. If you were reading the same thing that someone else had posted what would you think?

You need to become stronger in what you want out of your life and your ds's life. Get advice where you can, use the support of your parents - you are lucky to have them.

Don't be scared of the fact he doesn't show his true self to anyone else. This is a very common trait in emotionally abusive relationships .

Have you written events/how you feel down on paper? This can help get a perspective on things.

Original poster
Isitemotional · 18/01/2015 11:12

My family are supportive but also I guess it's hard when someone just accepts the treatment. Most of the time we bob along. I know he won't leave,refuses to leave.

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/01/2015 11:15

I think he has lied consistently and constantly to you about pretty much all aspects of his life from the very beginning of your relationship. And yes, you were targeted by him as well.

And no he is NOT a pretty good dad to your son if he is treating you like this. How can you write that at all, I know denial is a powerful force but you are really kidding yourself here if you at all think he is a good dad. He does not even see or support his two children by a previous relationship.

Women in abusive relationships often write such tripe when they can think of nothing positive to write about their man. As is the case here.

Presumably as well your mother has had to contact him because he has managed to stop your own family having much if any access to you whatsoever.

Please call Womens Aid and get the hell away with your son from this abuser of a H asap.

Original poster
Isitemotional · 18/01/2015 11:16

Rows used to escalate to me being terrified. He's never hit me,it would be easier to prove if he did. (Sorry to anyone with experience of that).
He always talked the police around although once they told him to sleep in the car to give me space. I looked absolutely delusional.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/01/2015 11:16

If he would never leave then you will have to take the initiative. Realise that's difficult if you feel beaten dowbut that's why you need to seek help. Is there reason why he could sweet talk the police etc? Is he influential? Wealthy?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/01/2015 11:16

I think you need refuge

Original poster
Isitemotional · 18/01/2015 11:18

No,not influential at all. He's just very very convincing.

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/01/2015 11:18

He will not leave because he has precisely what he wants; you and by turn your son under his absolute control. He is not going to let go of you at all easily but this is no life for you or your child. You're really his prisoners.

Do not accept this treatment of you; you have a choice re this man and your son does not. By staying within this your son is basically learning from his dad that this is how men treat women. You cannot and must not leave your son that damaging legacy. Womens Aid can also help you leave.