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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Feeling trapped

48 replies

Isitemotional · 18/01/2015 10:35

I am married to a strange man. He has no friends,has family that I found out about,he had said his parents were dead.
He is very controlling. I feel completely beaten down by it. I can't see it ever ending until he dies.

OP posts:

magpieginglebells · 18/01/2015 11:23

You cannot bring your son up in this environment. He will think it is normal and could treat any future partners the same (starting the cycle again with any grandchildren).

Can you speak to your family? Tell them you want to leave so they can help? Can you speak to Women's aid?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/01/2015 11:23

I also think you now need to be in a refuge as well and again Womens Aid can and will help you here.

Abusers can be very plausible to those in the outside world and this person has had many years of practice in manipulating others.

He does not have to hit you to hurt you; he uses control, words and tone of voice to do that because those are very effective. And its worked, he's put you in the hole he has dug for you now.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/01/2015 11:24

OP it's a very bad but sadly very common situation you find yourself in. 'Coercive Control' such as you are experiencing is soon to be made illegal because it is recognised as being as damaging as physical violence. People like you find it extremely difficult to call time because the control is so complete. It can take several attempts to break free.

What particularly prompted you to start this thread today?

Original poster

Isitemotional · 18/01/2015 11:27

Because we have a week off together. We had a huge row yesterday about the lunch with my family. He said I can do what I like when he isn't here but not when he is. I have told him we will end up a lonely old man. He is a bully but a coward.

OP posts:

Original poster

Isitemotional · 18/01/2015 11:31

My family get frustrated understandably when I am upset etc. One sister has such a thoroughly lovely husband who is fine with her going out all the time & they don't understand why I dont. My mum understands more. Most of the time it is ok,but sometimes it just feels too much. I think I came on to sound off to an anonymous forum where if I haven't left him,it won't get thrown in my face.
I admire those who leave.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/01/2015 11:33

I don't know how old you are but 'do as you're told' doesn't sound like the way to spend what's left of your time on earth. If you look at some of the many threads from women who have successfully got out of abusive relationships, it's often some chance remark or relatively small incident that gives them the final push to get themselves safe.

What would you like to do next? What would you like from the people here?

HangingInAGruffaloStance · 18/01/2015 11:36

People aren't trying to throw it in your face. Making the decision to leave is really hard,particularly when dealing with such an accomplished liar and manipulator.

BUT

Your sadness shines through in your posts. Maybe you aren't ready to leave. But please start speaking to someone who will listen without judging, like Women's Aid. Then you can start thinking about how to have a better life, and how to stop your son growing up to think this is how a man treats a woman.

Best of luck to you.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/01/2015 11:37

'I admire those who leave'

I admire anyone who even acknowledges there is a serious problem. That alone can take courage. I admire anyone who lifts the phone and calls for help, even if they can't follow through. I admire you for having involved the police, even though it didn't have the desired effect.

Original poster

Isitemotional · 18/01/2015 11:40

He can be very persuasive. I don't know what I want from the people here. Nothing really.
I have felt calm a lot about it,in terms of him. At other times I know if I leave,I'll go back. I have no savings. We used all our money to buy this house. He has fads,hobbies he becomes obsessed with for a while then drops. I'm amazed we are still together but to leave,it feels just so overwhelming. Ds is in preschool in our old area,I wouldn't be able to work without him,I couldn't pay the mortgage & bills by myself.

OP posts:

DeliciousMonster · 18/01/2015 11:40

OP - what are your options here?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/01/2015 11:41

I give you full credit for writing on here today because you did not have to do so. It took some guts to do that. You know deep down that his treatment of you is wrong and that his actions are having a terrible effect on you and by turn your son.

Baby steps; you took that first baby step today by writing about this.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/01/2015 11:43

Baby steps; you took that first baby step today by writing about this.

Original poster

Isitemotional · 18/01/2015 11:48

monster I guess it's leave/don't leave.
I don't have money to start again. I feel like shit frankly,it's not going to be a thread where it's all wrapped up & I'm ensconced in refuge by the end of the day. I can hear him downstairs with ds being bloody super dad. Realistically I know I'll suck it up & pretend it's not happening :(

OP posts:

bobs123 · 18/01/2015 11:54

I came on MN in the early 2000s with the same sort of problem. I was told to LTB (although people were a little less blunt then) but I wasn't ready to. I chose to live with it. I wouldn't put up with his controlling behaviour per se and built up some sort of resilent barrier. However everything took it's toll. I didn't go out very much and pretty much did stuff either child orientated or without him. We ended up pretty well separated but living in the same house.

Fast forward after 21 years of marriage and I have now LTB. My DC encouraged me to. Staying with him has taken it's toll on them too (another story).

Should I have done it earlier??? Definitely, but I thought at the time it was best for the DC to have a "family unit". Big mistake

No he never hit me or the DC, but his behaviour was all incredibly insidious.

I think it is a question of understanding exactly is happening in your relationship and deciding/being strong enough to do something about it. In the meantime just get as much advice as you can to help you get your head straight on what you want. You might decide that for the moment you just want to vent. However there will eventually come a time when you decide enough is enough....

DeliciousMonster · 18/01/2015 11:57

I guess it's leave/don't leave.

Have you got somewhere to go? Mum? Other family?

Really, I know you are against going, but I packed all my stuff in the car, and drove off with nowhere to stay. Others have done the same. There are options. If all your money is in the house then you will get half of any profit once it is sold.

You do not have to suffer this. There are always options. Otherwise there wouldn't even BE Women's Aid. We have to point that out - otherwise we would be less than human to suggest you stay with an abuser.

When you are ready, of course.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/01/2015 12:01

No one's really expecting you to be safe in a refuge by the end of the thread. However, it would be a pity to waste the opportunity of the revelation that prompted you to start the thread. Sometimes it's enough to start the conversation. Sometimes it's a springboard to seek more advice. Your assumptions, for example, about being homeless and workless (common barriers to independence) can be checked out pretty easily.

Original poster

Isitemotional · 18/01/2015 12:03

Thank you. It just seems such an enormous undertaking,ds loves his dad,he really does. He sees my family so sees a more normal set up too.
I am not trying to be snippy,although it comes across. I've started posts before when things have been crap.
My family can't put us up.

OP posts:

bobs123 · 18/01/2015 12:10

So every time you post why don't you research you options a bit more?

For example do you know you rights? Does he have a job/savings?

Most women think that just because they are are a SAHM with no earnings they would have to leave with nothing...not true

He would have to pay maintenance for the DS based on his wage (there is an online calculator) possibly to you too, you get child benefit, possibly child tax credits & NHS exemption certificate. If you get a part time job 16+ hrs and you're on low income you can also get working tax credits.

There is help out there...

Original poster

Isitemotional · 18/01/2015 12:25

We both work full time. He doesn't pay any maintenance for his other children. I suspect she saw it as a pay off for NC. He did contact one of his sons via Fb last year who told him where to go,sensible Young man.
At the moment childcare is not available where we live for the hours I would need. Ds starts school in September. My husband takes ds to preschool in our old area as this is near his work & it was reasonably priced.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/01/2015 12:33

No abusive relationship is ever universally bad. Children's love for parents tends to be unconditional..... even to their own detriment. Freedom often involves sacrifices. The motivation to change your life can only come from you. Hope you find it soon

Cupoteap · 18/01/2015 12:43

I know how you feel op, my dh had a couple of accidents over the last couple of years, each could have been fatal. I had fantasies where he had in my mind for ages after.
I also thought it would be easier if he just got on with it and hit me. Would have made it easier to leave as I thought no would would believe what he is like.
Now I am moved out I feel so much happier, yes the stuff you are talking are important however I promise if you do it you will never regret it. But this will only work if you are ready to leave. I now wake up happy, with no sense of dread about what the day would bring.

Original poster

Isitemotional · 18/01/2015 13:11

cupoftea thank you,it sounds so awful to say doesn't it? I'd not say it in real life.
About a year ago,my husband had an eye test as his glasses didn't feel strong enough. The optician asked about his diabetes,he said he wasn't diabetic. The optician recommended getting seen by a gp ASAP. He hasn't,he's a coward about anything medical. I tried to push it,no luck. Then I thought well,maybe he'll just die earlier. My mum is diabetic & said for his eyes to detoriate that much in two years from last test it must be really bad.
We don't have life insurance. He refuses to get it. When I got quotes,we would have had to get medicals so I knew he wouldn't.

OP posts:

woowoo22 · 18/01/2015 14:45

for you OP.

Sometimes a teeny thing sets us on the path to freedom. The last straw. Might help you to think about your DC and them either a) being subject to H's behaviour or b) subjecting others to it when they are adults. It is one thing for you to put up with it but another for the DC to witness and learn the behaviours.

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